Divorcing someone because of extra weight...why is that "shallow"? (wife, marriage)
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An old thread here really struck a cord with me. Someone mentioned that their spouse had let themselves go. Because of the extra weight, the OP was considering divorce. Most people bashed the OP -- things like, he's "shallow", "weight shouldn't matter if you truly love the person", etc.
Well, I'm here to offer a different perspective. There are two sides to every story.
When my wife and I married 17 years ago, we were both very fit distance runners. Both of her parents died before they were 65, due to medical issues complicated by their obesity. My ex wife vowed to take care of herself, to lessen the risk of following in her parents' footsteps.
She's also always been one of those people who loves to exercise, and be active...she deserved to be with someone who shared her passion. For awhile, I was that person.
Long story short, about 5 years into the marriage, I became less interested in taking care of myself, and more interested in food. Between years 5-11, I ballooned from a lean 165, to 381. This wasn't just a normal weight gain...this was a serious change.
Needless to say, this was hard on my wife. She was VERY compassionate, and every time she brought the issue up, it was tactfully done. She didn't want me to end up like her deceased parents.
But I didn't care. About her feelings. My family's feelings. Friends' feelings. All I cared about was food. By the time year 11 hit, I was well into the phase where I could no longer run, hike...or do anything outdoorsy with my wife. She could no longer do these things, because she was always taking care of me.
But one of the worst things I did to her: I was so big, that sex was impossible. She told me she would never cheat, and I believe her...but all you people who say weight doesn't matter, and it's "shallow" to drop your spouse because of it...let me ask you this: is it really fair for your spouse to deny you sex for FOUR YEARS -- all because of their own gluttony?
I put one of the most compassionate, caring human beings that I have ever known, through sheer hell. She offered me so much help...and I refused to take it. Years which SHOULD have been the best years of her life, were miserable...all because of me.
I openly admit that I didn't care about her feelings. I thought, if you truly love someone, weight shouldn't matter. I think that WITHIN REASON, weight shouldn't matter. But I'm not talking about a normal, moderate weight gain that often comes with age.
But 200 pounds, all of which were caused by my own actions? That's not fair to the other spouse, any way you look at it.
Finally, about a year before the marriage ended, she said she was going to leave, if I didn't change. It wasn't fair for her to live without sex, and also have to take care of me (we both knew obviously, that if any of this were caused by valid health conditions, then we'd never even think of leaving).
She finally divorced me two years ago, and I don't blame her one bit. A marriage is give and take. I took and took and took, without giving. She is now with someone who's active and fit, and takes care of himself. They jog together, go hiking together, and are even planning on entering a marathon next Spring.
She and I have become great friends...and I'm happy that she's found the type of person she deserves.
So, the next time all you people deride someone for being "shallow", just remember: there are two sides to every story. Divorcing a spouse because they gained 20 or 30 pounds...yes, that's shallow. But going from fit to obese in such a short time span? That's not fair to anyone.
I commend you for having the guts to tell a story like this.
Gaining weight more times than not is a choice. Obesity more times than not is a choice NOT A DISEASE. Everyone likes to blame food as being addictive. Not only is overweight and being obese harmful to your health, but it affects your loved ones around you.
An old thread here really struck a cord with me. Someone mentioned that their spouse had let themselves go. Because of the extra weight, the OP was considering divorce. Most people bashed the OP -- things like, he's "shallow", "weight shouldn't matter if you truly love the person", etc.
Well, I'm here to offer a different perspective. There are two sides to every story.
When my wife and I married 17 years ago, we were both very fit distance runners. Both of her parents died before they were 65, due to medical issues complicated by their obesity. My ex wife vowed to take care of herself, to lessen the risk of following in her parents' footsteps.
She's also always been one of those people who loves to exercise, and be active...she deserved to be with someone who shared her passion. For awhile, I was that person.
Long story short, about 5 years into the marriage, I became less interested in taking care of myself, and more interested in food. Between years 5-11, I ballooned from a lean 165, to 381. This wasn't just a normal weight gain...this was a serious change.
Needless to say, this was hard on my wife. She was VERY compassionate, and every time she brought the issue up, it was tactfully done. She didn't want me to end up like her deceased parents.
But I didn't care. About her feelings. My family's feelings. Friends' feelings. All I cared about was food. By the time year 11 hit, I was well into the phase where I could no longer run, hike...or do anything outdoorsy with my wife. She could no longer do these things, because she was always taking care of me.
But one of the worst things I did to her: I was so big, that sex was impossible. She told me she would never cheat, and I believe her...but all you people who say weight doesn't matter, and it's "shallow" to drop your spouse because of it...let me ask you this: is it really fair for your spouse to deny you sex for FOUR YEARS -- all because of their own gluttony?
I put one of the most compassionate, caring human beings that I have ever known, through sheer hell. She offered me so much help...and I refused to take it. Years which SHOULD have been the best years of her life, were miserable...all because of me.
I openly admit that I didn't care about her feelings. I thought, if you truly love someone, weight shouldn't matter. I think that WITHIN REASON, weight shouldn't matter. But I'm not talking about a normal, moderate weight gain that often comes with age.
But 200 pounds, all of which were caused by my own actions? That's not fair to the other spouse, any way you look at it.
Finally, about a year before the marriage ended, she said she was going to leave, if I didn't change. It wasn't fair for her to live without sex, and also have to take care of me (we both knew obviously, that if any of this were caused by valid health conditions, then we'd never even think of leaving).
She finally divorced me two years ago, and I don't blame her one bit. A marriage is give and take. I took and took and took, without giving. She is now with someone who's active and fit, and takes care of himself. They jog together, go hiking together, and are even planning on entering a marathon next Spring.
She and I have become great friends...and I'm happy that she's found the type of person she deserves.
So, the next time all you people deride someone for being "shallow", just remember: there are two sides to every story. Divorcing a spouse because they gained 20 or 30 pounds...yes, that's shallow. But going from fit to obese in such a short time span? That's not fair to anyone.
I sincerely hope you have gone into counseling to discover what was eating you. You didn't gain all that weight just because you loved food
I do agree that in a situation like this your ex could not be considered shallow at all. But what a shame you couldn't get to the bottom of your issues and save your marriage
The people who are ripping people are just following what they believe marriage SHOULD be, at this current time in this current world. While most people refuse to believe this, 99% SETTLE for the S.O. Their S.O. isn't what they'd consider their "soul mate" but spend their lives convincing themselves and others that they are...For MOST guys, a "hot" skinny 18 year old long haired blonde who is positive, fun and likes to party. While MOST woman want a tall dark and handsome millionaire Dr.
I'll like to explain interactions in a numerical range. Let's go with 1-100, 100 being your soul, 50 being neutral and 0 being Adolf Hilter raping your dog, aka the most hated. Every little thing yields a credit or a debit. Based on this scale.
When you first get introduced to someone they will probably yield a 55. Ever hear first impressions last forever? This first impression can greatly affect this number. I think most intimate relationships yield a high-60 to high-90s being what some consider "love birds". Every little thing that's done will affect that number. If a girl puts on weight and hair starts being cut shorter and shorter, those are debits. Same if a guy starts to bald and gain weight. But it goes the other way, buy a girl flowers monthly and you gain credits.
If this number gets too low, people cheat or move on.
Uhm, your wife didn't divorce you for your weight. It was that you failed to take responsibility for yourself when whe tried to encouraged you. That wasn't shallow, that was her realizing that you loved food more than your marriage.
Look at your issue before you try to "educate" people. Sheesh!! That's another pet peeve! Members who project their problems in this forum on folks who are giving out the best advice they can instead of themselves.
She finally divorced me two years ago, and I don't blame her one bit. A marriage is give and take. I took and took and took, without giving. She is now with someone who's active and fit, and takes care of himself. They jog together, go hiking together, and are even planning on entering a marathon next Spring.
She and I have become great friends...and I'm happy that she's found the type of person she deserves.
You seem so complacent and passive about your divorce. Why do I have this weird feeling that the roles were actually reversed...that you were the active, fit spouse who wasn't getting any sex, and your wife was the one who became morbidly obese?
Uhm, your wife didn't divorce you for your weight. It was that you failed to take responsibility for yourself when whe tried to encouraged you. That wasn't shallow, that was her realizing that you loved food more than your marriage.
Look at your issue before you try to "educate" people. Sheesh!! That's another pet peeve! Members who project their problems in this forum on folks who are giving out the best advice they can instead of themselves.
I agree. Many of us who are overweight fit into the fat but fit category. I gained my weight due to thyroid failure during my pregnancies that went undiagnosed. I've never been able to lose it in spite of eating well and exercising regulalry. When my doctor points out my weight, I just remind her she wishes all her patients excercised as much as I do and had my blood pressure and cholesterol levels. She just shrugs. Everything in her books says I'm unhealthy but the tests say otherwise.
Divorcing over weight would be shallow. Divorcing because your spouse is committing slow suicide and refuses to change their actions is another. I will continue to exercise and eat well even though I know I'm not going to lose weight this way. There are one a coupld of ways for me to lose weight. One is to take too much of my thyroid medication and THAT would be unhealthy. I can also go low carb and lose weight but my doctor doesn't recommend low carb diets. She says you can lose your liver and kidneys that way and they muddle my brain so it would be hard to teach if I were on a low carb diet.
Uhm, your wife didn't divorce you for your weight. It was that you failed to take responsibility for yourself when whe tried to encouraged you. That wasn't shallow, that was her realizing that you loved food more than your marriage.
Look at your issue before you try to "educate" people. Sheesh!! That's another pet peeve! Members who project their problems in this forum on folks who are giving out the best advice they can instead of themselves.
Were you THERE when my wife and I were discussing divorce? No. If I tell you my wife divorced me because of my weight, then that's exactly why she did it.
To answer another poster's question: yes, I'm still overweight, but am working on getting back to a healthy weight, and am going to start counseling soon, to determine why I was (I guess still am), addicted to food.
I was never really depressed...never had any major family problems (in terms of my parents, siblings, etc)...never any job or financial problems. I never over-ate because of emotional reasons, like so many have.
I just love(d) food. Plain and simple. I was very selfish. But I'm glad that I'm at least taking this opportunity to learn from my mistakes, and never repeat them.
A smart person learns from their mistakes. A stupid person doesn't.
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That wasn't shallow, that was her realizing that you loved food more than your marriage.
