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Once you have kids with someone, you never really rid them out of your life. It doesn't sound like you'll ever see that $8,000. Any future checks he gets he'll repeat the same cycle...pay the overdue portion of rent, then spend the rest on himself. Next it will be clothes or some other toy. Not sure what to tell you, except the more you do for him, the easier you make it for him to pull this nonsense. Does he intimidate you in any way, or are you just a little too soft-hearted/headed?
To answer your question coolhand 68, it wasn't so much intimidation he used...he loved to use GUILT on me. I am also a soft-hearted person with some codependency, so of course he used this to get me to do something for him. 2 examples ...
1) After a few days of me not seeing him/speaking to him, he'd cry he was starving to get me to come over and bring/buy him food. I get there, thinking he is honestly completely OUT of food ... and look in the fridge...there was food in the fridge/cupboards it just wasn't what he wanted at the time (instead of cooking that pack of chicken and those ramen noodles or whatever he had, he wanted me to bring him steak or something better to eat instead since he couldn't afford it). So he "cried wolf" just to get me over there.
2) (he was using this one last night/this morning I didn't respond!)..he cries he wants to see his son. Sure, I can go right now (yes its 540 am my time here in VA) and drop him off so I can go get my hair done today ....BUT...once I return to pick him up, he will immediately start asking/begging me AGAIN for help on his rent, take him to the grocery store (he has an EBT card and he must have gotten more money on the 1st), spend time with him and play a game, he misses me, he will cook me a steak for dinner if i stay, bla bla bla. ANYTHING to keep me there in front of him all day to keep him company and to be able to get out the house and ride around in the truck all day (no buses run today in his neighborhood, if he wants to go to the grocery store today he needs to WALK there). This is not the FIRST time he has cried to see his son and as soon as I get there with him he wants ME to do something for HIM and/or stay there with them. I can never just drop him off, go do my thing, and come back in a few hours with no drama and it saddens me
I'm going to just bring my son with me this morning (it's a friend's house so he has room to play and watch cartoons, etc while i get my hair done did ) and save the drama.
No seriously, I am upset about this. I can count on one hand (seriously) the number of times since my son was born (he is now 7 years old) he has taken him for more than an hour or 2, kept him WITHOUT me having to be there, and then I return, pick him up, and just go on about my day. He's not a real father. It's just SAD he will use his own SON as a pawn to try to get what HE wants. All I try to do is be accommodating so he can see his son frequently. He won't even take him unless he gets something out the deal when I get back (ie a ride to the store, me buying him food, etc). I think the other day was a fluke when he took him from 10-7.
I am so glad the visitation hearing is in November. I will kindly remind the judge to remind him that visitation means I drop him off at x time, leave, come back at y time to pick him up, and leave immediately again. NO where does it say I have to stay there or be there with him. No where does it say I am responsible for his (ex's) food/entertainment/rides/etc. Matter fact, he should be providing proper food for his son while he is there.
In the meantime, I will let all his crying calls go to voicemail (on this prepaid phone) and save all the texts he will probably send. He always starts out sweet "how are you boo? hope you're having a great day!" then goes to sad "i miss you and (son) boo, i just want to see you 2 today, please come by!" then goes to angry "I want to see my son NOW (after he just saw him in the past week!)" then gets to begging/crying for something "I'm starving boo, can you please come help me?" or "I'm really sick can you bring me some medicine?" and then goes back and forth between anger and crying until I respond...well, I'm not responding this time. everything he does has a motive and it's how to satisfy HIS needs without spending HIS money to do it. I know this now. All I am obligated to do now is show up to the court date and adhere to the schedule the judge puts up. In the meantime, my son and I will be chilling on our own. No contact until then. It's the only way I can "get rid" of him. He can't cry hungry, he has his EBT card. He can't cry bored, he just got that TV and Xbox (and I bet he'll have the nerve to ask to use my blockbuster card to rent him another game if i did go over there). He can cry about his rent and his lights all he wants, not my problem. NO one told him to go drop $700 on a TV instead of paying rent and lights. He could have had that paid last week then enjoyed his little check next week to go get himself something but noooo...he just HAD to have that TV that day. Hope he's enjoying it
My concern would be whether you are acting for the proper reasons and in a way that won't cause you problems down the road.
You said "I am going to let him sit and starve today while my son and I enjoy a nice pot roast I have cooking now in the slow cooker and make some homemade biscuits together."
That sounds mean hearted and spiteful and you may bear guilt or some other negative emotion later. Why not look at it like you are moving on because you have to? Others have pointed out that you can't change him and it seems he is motivated to serve his own needs so he probably find someone else to help him.
So explain to me *why* you married and had a child with this man? Can you honestly say that you did not have any idea he was like this when you were dating him? NOBODY is that good ad disguising their true nature.
My guess is that you thought you could "save him" from himself and that he would miraculously change once you married him (and he became a father).
It is unfortunate that your son does not have a better role model. It is unfortunate that you did not choose more wisely.
Hay look, I have fell on hard time and am about to get evicted and need a place to live, could I come live with YOU? I'd love to have a friend like you that would loan me money, bail me out of jams I keep getting myself into, feed me steak and other expensive food.. I could quit my job and devote all my time to being a free loader with a friend like you behind me..
JUST KIDDING about all that, I wouldn't dare do that to anybody, I have to much pride.
No wonder he is doing that to you, you have allowed it so why not? There are many people out there that live their entire lives doing just what he does... because they can always find another sucker. When you finally cut him off and quit helping him, he will find someone else to replace you with but right now, you are his gravy train, his enabler and a willing participant in his free loading off of you.
I want to know WHY? Don't you deserve better? Don't your son deserve better?.. Goodness, just look how much better off you would be without him in your life and the money you would have for yourself and your son. What you have been doing it like reversed child support.. you have been paying "father support"! Gee girl.. DUMP that free loader and find a decent man that has some pride!
he called my job and got past the receptionist (she's a temp and didn't know to screen my calls) and since i did check the webiste and saw he wasn't lying (the DC website shows disbursements too) I decided to do this ONE favor to give him a ride to the store....and also to get his visit with his son out the way since I got things to do this weekend.
I wasn't expecting nor asking for anything, it's just THIS happens. Hey it doesn't effect me only him At least 'Lil man got some $ out the deal
No need for me to go back or speak to him again until court day for the custody hearing (in November).
That ONE favor is like an alcoholic taking one drink. Knowing you are co-dependent and doing something about it are two different things. By taking him to get his check cashed and to the store, you did what you said you would not do and you really have no right to complain when he acted in typical fashion. You are SO getting something out of this. That your son got a few dollars out of it doesn't justify it.
I'm not sure a person can just stop being co-dependent. But if you spend time with him, even if it seems to make sense at the time, it will never stop.
Trust me all, he is dumped. I have nothing else to say to him or no reason to go there ever again. I just relay this information in amazement I even put up with this BS...the fact this is now on the internet and someone else out there cares about me and my wellbeing keeps me going, trust me. You all are verbally kicking my ass and I appreciate it. Now, off on a bike ride with my son, it's nice outside today.
So explain to me *why* you married and had a child with this man? Can you honestly say that you did not have any idea he was like this when you were dating him? NOBODY is that good ad disguising their true nature.
My guess is that you thought you could "save him" from himself and that he would miraculously change once you married him (and he became a father).
It is unfortunate that your son does not have a better role model. It is unfortunate that you did not choose more wisely.
20yrsinBranson
I never married him, thank God. Other than that, you are right.
Since my last post 10/3 I have only seen him once, and that was for a weekend visit on Halloween. He hasn't given me a penny for our son since the $300 when he bought his TV , so next week, me and Fairfax County J&DR court meet so that I can file an order to show cause. I was assured I'll see a court date before the year is up. I even called the DC child support office and they said legally, unless I was willing to move the entire case to DC there was nothing they could do on their end and VA would have to press for the order to show cause. They did not so I'm filing it myself to make sure it happens ASAP. Once the purge is set (last time it was 5k in 6 months he had to pay me and he did but now the past due amount is at almost 10k right now) I'll be happy with that. It will put more money in son's college fund and help out on field trips and stuff
Him? He is obviously alright, he's taking in 384/week to sit on his ass Coolhand was right about the cycle (get his checks, catch up on late rent, buy himself a toy)...he hasn't offered a penny since so I'm glad I am doing the above
Son and I are fine no problems whatsoever I'm not seeing anyone, I have been too busy with my friends and family and we have been having GREAT times. Friday me and BFF go to ye olde sports pub to knock back 1-2 and catch up and plan our black friday shopping extravaganza She says she can see how happy I am and more energetic and she's glad I finally left him for good.
Visitation- I can file it at the appointment next week if i want but more than likely I won't and if he wants to see his son he can file it. I am in the mood now where I only want to bring him by maybe once a month (for a weekend visit, if that) for right now...I'm trying to go as NC as possible. Plus he doesn't seem too interested in even taking him, he is moreso crying for me and my "supply" and only calls and asks to see him when he needs somethiing for himself (i.e. he says "I want to see son saturday....oh and when you come by can you give me a ride to the store" or something along those lines. He takes him but it is always with a motive...or him trying to talk to me but I promptly about face and walk away if he starts to say anything other than discussing our son.) I guess I'll just leave it as-is and if he is TRULY wanting to see his son, he can file for visitation himself. *EDIT-wanted to clarify, this is in regards to past visits, like I said he only had the one visit for Halloween, I have not seen/spoke since! He did call the prepaid but I immediately delete the messages.
Karma will own him some more soon, unless he somehow manages to get a job paying 16/hr or better in the next 90 days, his lease is up 2/20 (101 days from now) and of course he can't use unemployment as income (and even if his place did, it's not enough to qualify) so he will be right back at his family's place.
Thanks for updating us on your situation, a lot of folks don't do that. Glad to see things are looking up for you and you've "cut him off at the knees" and are not allowing him to manipulate you any longer. Hopefully this guy realizes how important his son is one day before it's too late. Before your son grows up and develops any resentment or worse, apathy towards him. Stay on course and I wish you and your son the best.
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....BUT...once I return to pick him up, he will immediately start asking/begging me AGAIN for help on his rent, take him to the grocery store (he has an EBT card and he must have gotten more money on the 1st), spend time with him and play a game, he misses me, he will cook me a steak for dinner if i stay, bla bla bla. ANYTHING to keep me there in front of him all day to keep him company and to be able to get out the house and ride around in the truck all day (no buses run today in his neighborhood, if he wants to go to the grocery store today he needs to WALK there). This is not the FIRST time he has cried to see his son and as soon as I get there with him he wants ME to do something for HIM and/or stay there with them. I can never just drop him off, go do my thing, and come back in a few hours with no drama and it saddens me 
) and save the drama. 
everything he does has a motive and it's how to satisfy HIS needs without spending HIS money to do it. I know this now. All I am obligated to do now is show up to the court date and adhere to the schedule the judge puts up. In the meantime, my son and I will be chilling on our own. No contact until then. It's the only way I can "get rid" of him. He can't cry hungry, he has his EBT card. He can't cry bored, he just got that TV and Xbox (and I bet he'll have the nerve to ask to use my blockbuster card to rent him another game if i did go over there). He can cry about his rent and his lights all he wants, not my problem. NO one told him to go drop $700 on a TV instead of paying rent and lights. He could have had that paid last week then enjoyed his little check next week to go get himself something but noooo...he just HAD to have that TV that day. Hope he's enjoying it 
