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Location: Fort Bend County, TX/USA/Mississauga, ON/Canada
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Are these women at fault for staying with the man who controls them? Because they (in essence) are allowing themselves to be controlled or are the men at fault for controlling them? What are the personalities & qualities of the women who attract domineering men (for whatever reason) & how can she stave him off in the future? I've heard it's often quiet, vulnerable, or timid-looking women (although in fact they are not timid at all, just appearance-wise)who attract these men? What are your thoughts?
Is the victim of a mugging at fault for the mugging because he happened to be carrying a wallet?
*Shrug*
Read through some of the threads on this forum. Women are constantly slammed for flippantly leaving their husbands or lovers. Their motives for doing so are invariably called into question. Women are also constantly trashed for having too high standards (or, in fact, any standards) when it comes to their SO's. If a woman were to state on this forum that she left her husband because he was too controlling, we would never hear the end of the wailing and whining about how fickle and irresponsible women are, and oh, "the poor guy".
Women who are stuck in abusive relationships (whether the term "abusive" is used in its narrow legal sense or in a broader, emotional sense) are under immense pressure to remain in the relationship -- from both sides. On the one side, you have the husband who, as part of being controlling, will carefully dismantle the woman's self-esteem and emotional self-sufficiency. Women in these relationships are frequently afraid of leaving, and they are frequently afraid for their children. On the other side, you have society (which this forum reflects in a microcosm), that condemns women who leave their men for anything less serious than serial cheating or attempted murder.
Nothing justifies controlling behavior in a relationship. The suggestion that women who are stuck with controlling SO's deserve the piggish behavior because they don't leave is precisely the kind of weapon that's used to dismantle their self-esteem and indoctrinate them that they deserve the abuse. Because if you didn't deserve the abuse, the abuser wouldn't abuse you, right?
Are these women at fault for staying with the man who controls them? Because they (in essence) are allowing themselves to be controlled or are the men at fault for controlling them? What are the personalities & qualities of the women who attract dominant men (for whatever reason) & how can she stave him off in the future? I've heard it's often quiet, vulnerable, or timid-looking women (although in fact they are not timid at all, just appearance-wise)who attract these men? What are your thoughts?
First of all, you need to understand a "dominant" man is not necessarily the same thing as a "domineering" or controlling man. Dominant, alpha males are self confident, more leader than follower, and self assured. In short, they can make great mates
Domineering men look for woman they know they can control because that's how they can overcome their feelings of inadequacy. They really have no self esteem and usually look for woman with none either.
I'm not sure the word "fault" should be used though when talking about women who get involved with controlling men. Some of them are just gravitating toward what they know and what feels comfortable if they were raised by controlling fathers themselves. It can be a really hard cycle to break.
My sister is married to a domineering jerk. She's moved out several times, but never goes through with leaving him because she's completely codependent. She actually believes (or has trained herself to believe) that he's only checking her cell phone call log or not letting her go out with friends or telling her she's a cheating sl*t because he loves her so much and wants her to be with him all the time. I've seen firsthand how as much as he is a control freak, she encourages it--during their last separation, she still called him every day.
Well, then, what kind of conduct would be sufficient reason for a woman to file for divorce?
Beats me. I've seen some marriages so awful that my wife and I wonder why she sticks around. I mean, don't you think life's way too short to be stuck in a marriage where you're not respected?
Personally I would think, at the very least, physical abuse, followed by mental abuse, should be reasons to immediately pack the car and drive away, never to look back.
My daughter is fourteen. And I've already had talks with her about what kinds of boys are out there. I've advised her that if a boy doesn't make her feel good about herself, then she should walk away. I've advised her that if a boy doesn't respect her wishes, then she should walk away. I've advised her that no boy should tell her how to think, dress, or behave. I've advised her that she has extraordinary value in this world, and she should be liked for who she is, not what some neanderthal thinks he can shape her into.
Also, I told her that if some boy, when picking her up, honks for her in the driveway, he can sit there all night. He's picking up my daughter. Not a pizza.
Beats me. I've seen some marriages so awful that my wife and I wonder why she sticks around. I mean, don't you think life's way too short to be stuck in a marriage where you're not respected?
The problem is that abuse almost always starts small and escalates over time. It typically begins with excessively severe criticism. Okay, so your husband is kind of a sourpuss, but you wouldn't (gasp!) divorce him just because he carps on you for a day or two after you oversalt the salad or forget to send in the credit card payment on time, would you? Next comes the jealousy. So your husband is a jealous type, but is him flipping out a bit when you don't arrive on your usual 6:30 train enough of a reason to break up your marriage? Especially if you've got kids? Then the name-calling. Okay, that's bad. But enough for a divorce? Most folks would probably say you should help your husband get over his problem. Mostly by not being such a b/tch. Next we have the pushing. Okay, that's violence and it's serious. But hey, it's only a little bit worse than name-calling, and no actual damage is inflicted, right? You've been married 10 years now, this is your mate and partner. Do you really want to be like all those other fickle women who dump their men for shinier models? You are better than that, aren't you? Then, finally, you get the first punch. And at that point, all of a sudden, it's "partially" your fault you got punched because you remained with this controlling man for so long. Right?
This is the problem I have with saying that women who are married to controlling men are to blame for being "controlled".
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