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To me, a huge part of this problem is the high desire person is desperately unhappy. The low desire person is happy as a clam and seems oblivious to the distress of their partner. The HD folks talk about this stuff. VERY rarely do you hear from the LD partner. Why is this? How can they be so blind to the fact their supposed partner, lover, friend, and companion is miserable because they feel unwanted? Why not just do it to make your partner happy?
Because it's so complicated and intertwined with shame, fear, rejection, you name it. Sex is supposed to be just another form of communication but when one feels rejected, sex (or lack of it) becomes a huge, powerful, looming symbol of a person's inadequacy. And most of us would be lying if we said we'd never experienced periods of sexlessness in our marriages.
To the OP, you said that you didn't want to try counseling. But wouldn't it be better to try that, as opposed to remaining this unhappy? If she doesn't want to go, can you go alone?
Do I love her? Yes, without question. We have both been in previous marriages and we have been married for just four years. There has been a lot of conflict between us during those four years over different things. Some my fault, some hers. However, our intimacy is non exsistent. We simply do not have relations. I'm talking only twice in the past little more than two years here! I have asked her why she has no interest but I never get a realistic answer. I do not know if she see's someone else or not, but you can't help but think about that. I do not like the thought of divorce and I'm not a player but I'm ready to get "it" wherever I can. Anyone else here face this delima?
Fear not you logical creature you
Women are screwed up
they convince them selves and others that for the most part they are giving and nurturing
they have sex with you because they love you right?
I'd be a believer if the loss of sex drive didn't kill the act, the parts still work and since women aren't stupid, nothing should change.
logically the only conclusion is that women are self serving,
Do I love her? Yes, without question. We have both been in previous marriages and we have been married for just four years. There has been a lot of conflict between us during those four years over different things. Some my fault, some hers. However, our intimacy is non exsistent. We simply do not have relations. I'm talking only twice in the past little more than two years here! I have asked her why she has no interest but I never get a realistic answer. I do not know if she see's someone else or not, but you can't help but think about that. I do not like the thought of divorce and I'm not a player but I'm ready to get "it" wherever I can. Anyone else here face this delima?
Udate: Well, I'm back to this thread. FWIW nothing has changed in our marriage. I think I will become a single man before much longer.
I haven't been following this post for some time but just read through some of them. Well, nothing has changed for the better with my problem. Yes, I sat down and told her my feelings and asked about hers, more than once in the past several months. There was a few moments of talk that I felt would really lead somewhere, but it didn't. She became very defensive. I told her this was not acceptable to me and I was not going to live this way. This wasn't what I comitted to in our marriage. I took a long shot and told her I was going to look elsewhere for the affection and intimacy I needed. I honestly do not remember what her exact reply was because I couldn't believe I had just said that to her. But it was meant as a "do whatever you think you need to do" type of answer. Well, that hurts to say the least.
I do love her and it tears me apart. I don't know if I could live with the guilt if I actually was with another woman. Would I though? Yeah probably if the opportunity presented itself. Heck, I wouldn't even know where to look. It's not like I could, or even would just go out and hope to find someone.
Well, I'm not really looking for answers here, I'm just letting out frustrations.
Thanks to those of you who offered encouragement.
Glad you came back to update your thread, even though not much as changed.
I just wanted to point out, it is ridiculous to me that YOU let your feelings get hurt when you didn't get the reaction you wanted from your wife when you told her you are "looking elsewhere for affection and intimacy".
Dude, don't you realize how deeply that probably cut your wife???? Her reaction to you of "do what you think you need to do" was most likely one of self-preservation. She was probably so hurt that you would say that that she was in no way going to make herself MORE vulnerable to you by telling you what she REALLY felt
YOU GUYS NEED SERIOUS COUNSELING. PLEASE, drag her if you have to, but get some help. You clearly are not the cheating kind and you should not lower your standards and have to live with the self-loathing if you did get desparate enough to cheat, okay?
Dude, don't you realize how deeply that probably cut your wife???? Her reaction to you of "do what you think you need to do" was most likely one of self-preservation. She was probably so hurt that you would say that that she was in no way going to make herself MORE vulnerable to you by telling you what she REALLY felt
I agree with some of what you say. But please ! I would assume that you have a healthy, satisfying relationship with your bf/husband. Now, take that relationship away for a couple years and you be totally without. Then lets if you might start looking.
I agree with some of what you say. But please ! I would assume that you have a healthy, satisfying relationship with your bf/husband. Now, take that relationship away for a couple years and you be totally without. Then lets if you might start looking.
I am, so I am completely sympathetic to what you are going thru, really I am. But threatening to cheat or cheating doesn't seem to be who you really are or who you want to be. Either get some counseling or leave.
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sunnydee
I'm trying to be helpful here, so don't jump on me. Have you guys told your wives exactly how you feel about this lack of intimacy? Do they know this is a deal breaker that could potentially end the marriage? Have you planned a weekend getaway with your wives to try to get things going again? Sometimes the daily grind and kids wreak havoc with one's love life, but time away can re-ignite that area. I'd hate to see your marriages end, especially when the love is still alive, because of this one issue, but I understand that people need intimacy.
I'd be willing to bet that most people not only have tried to talk to their partner but their partner is well aware of what's going or not going on. They just don't care or care to do anything about it. I've been on both sides of that issue.
As far as the daily grind of kids and life in general causing it. I say BS. It can be the one heaven on earth escape from the daily grind. You have the chance to make the world go away for each other--if you care--if you think about someone else more than you do yourself for just a short time at least.
I'd be willing to bet that most people not only have tried to talk to their partner but their partner is well aware of what's going or not going on. They just don't care or care to do anything about it. I've been on both sides of that issue.
As far as the daily grind of kids and life in general causing it. I say BS. It can be the one heaven on earth escape from the daily grind. You have the chance to make the world go away for each other--if you care--if you think about someone else more than you do yourself for just a short time at least.
Withholding sex can be a way a woman tries to hold power in a relationship. It can be a power play where a woman holds the cards. Having a sexless relationship isn't acceptable. Everyone goes through dry spells, depression, etc. and we should be understanding of that in each other, but to deny sex for power reasons or undisclosed reasons is unacceptable. You wouldn't tolerate her refusing to speak to you for two years and sex in a marriage is the same way. I am not saying you have a right to rape her or anything, but you do have a right to hear what is going on and have her make EVERY EFFORT to restore your relationship.
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