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My admition here would probably be that she does a good deal more work with the kids. I think the fact that I'm spending 1 1/2 hours more commuting to my job offsets this, but maybe not....
There's a chunk of potential resentment right there! I'd muuuch rather ride the highway for 90 minutes than hear screaming, clean toys and clothes up, break up fighting, be nagged silly etc. for 90 minutes. Pitch in with the kids and the Mr Mojo will rise my friend!
Do I love her? Yes, without question. We have both been in previous marriages and we have been married for just four years. There has been a lot of conflict between us during those four years over different things. Some my fault, some hers. However, our intimacy is non exsistent. We simply do not have relations. I'm talking only twice in the past little more than two years here! I have asked her why she has no interest but I never get a realistic answer. I do not know if she see's someone else or not, but you can't help but think about that. I do not like the thought of divorce and I'm not a player but I'm ready to get "it" wherever I can. Anyone else here face this delima?
Ok.. let me get this sorted out first. If I'm wrong, slap me.
So, you're both still in love, but you just don't get it on like you used to.. The marriage isn't dead exactly, but intimately it is. I'm going to go on that assumption.
There are really only two reasons why people don't have sex, when it comes right down to it. Either it is physical or emotional. If it's psychical, well, I'd have a Dr check that out. I once knew a girl that confided in me that it always hurt, but that she was too embarrassed to tell her husband. Eventually, she told him, they went to the Dr, and everything was great afterwards.
But, the emotional isn't so easy to fix.. That takes time, and a lot of education. Someone said to tell her how you feel.. Ok, sure, that's good to do, but I promise that that isn't going to solve the problem. In fact, a lot of times, if it's not said right, it can make the problem worse. So, what do you do?
Well, here's my advice.
First, talk to her. I mean really talk to her, find out why she doesn't like it as much as you. Do NOT accuse her of anything, just ask her in a way that doesn't threaten her. In other words, instead of actually asking why she doesn't like it, instead, ask her what she would like. Ask her what she needs. She'll tell you, but it might be like pulling teeth. Be patient. Listen. Repeat back what she said so she knows you understand. And then walk away.. give it time to sink in. Don't try to make any advances yet.. Basically, by taking the time to absorb it, she'll see that and she'll take notice..
Second, learn how to communicate with her. Alright, quit calling me names and pay attention. I know you know how to talk to her, but talking and communicating are two different things. Find out how She needs to feel loved. Is it verbal? Is it by touch? Is it by gifts? Is it by reaffirmation? Is it a combination of all of those? Which is stronger? Figure this out, and you've won half the battle. Once you start doing these things that make her feel loved, appreciated, accepted, secure, etc.. then she'll let down whatever defenses she's put up over the years. Not immediately, but if your constant in making her feel loved then it'll happen. Besides that, once you start doing that then she'll take notice and reciprocate. Make sense?
So now you know two things: How to make love to her, and how to make her feel loved.
Everything else after that comes naturally. The key is to take it slow and to really communicate.
Think about this: If she doesn't feel loved, do you really think she'll want to make love?
way way way too long.
the problem is however we have become breakup specialists and will do it at the drop of a hat and often there are big incentives for a breakup. our society promotes divorce. glue removal r us. we dont stick together do we.
this poem says it all
A co-worker's wife said these words to me a few scant months ago.
I agree!
I kind of agree actually. Having an actual marriage license and getting everything "legal" seems to just make things a lot more complicated if the couple want it to end.
4 Ever. If it's dead then spice it up. Go to Jamaica hedonism where you can bear it all. Invite him to dinner, wear a wig and something sexy, change your name and let him pick you up at the bar. Let him take you to the park at night and let nature take over.
While I understand staying in a marriage for the sake of small children (or even older, teen-aged children for that matter!), it's sad to see so many people (mostly men, let's face it!) living in a sexless marriage. I've said before that if all talking and negotiating has failed, it's perfectly acceptable for the rejected party to sit down calmly with their spouse, and say, "I love you, and this has been hurting me for years. Make no mistake here; I want to be with you and no one else. But since you're not interested, I'm going to look elsewhere if things don't change in X months." Then the ball is in the other person's court. They can ignore it, but then they certainly can't be shocked if you go out and have an affair, or perhaps they can do some soul-searching and try to get some help, whether it be physical or emotional help.
Bargaining to have sex, like 20yrs suggested, makes me feel a little ill. It's too much like begging for me to feel comfortable with it - or worse, buying! Yuck. A husband shouldn't have to bribe his wife for some affection and intimacy!
While I understand staying in a marriage for the sake of small children (or even older, teen-aged children for that matter!), it's sad to see so many people (mostly men, let's face it!) living in a sexless marriage. I've said before that if all talking and negotiating has failed, it's perfectly acceptable for the rejected party to sit down calmly with their spouse, and say, "I love you, and this has been hurting me for years. Make no mistake here; I want to be with you and no one else. But since you're not interested, I'm going to look elsewhere if things don't change in X months." Then the ball is in the other person's court. They can ignore it, but then they certainly can't be shocked if you go out and have an affair, or perhaps they can do some soul-searching and try to get some help, whether it be physical or emotional help.
Bargaining to have sex, like 20yrs suggested, makes me feel a little ill. It's too much like begging for me to feel comfortable with it - or worse, buying! Yuck. A husband shouldn't have to bribe his wife for some affection and intimacy!
And to expand on that point, it doesn't make it enjoyable either. I mean, speaking for the sex-starved here, just because I'd like a LOT more sex, doesn't mean that I feel I should settle for sex with a partner who'd rather be somewhere else...
I mean there have been times where I've made it known I'm in the mood and have gotten the, "Well, you can just do it if you want, but I'm not really in the mood." ...... Yeah sorry, I'll just go watch SportsCenter then, thanks...
(I should explain that this HAS happened in the past but isn't something I'm currently dealing with, so don't feel it necessary to tell me that "I need to tell my wife this or that.". )
I haven't been following this post for some time but just read through some of them. Well, nothing has changed for the better with my problem. Yes, I sat down and told her my feelings and asked about hers, more than once in the past several months. There was a few moments of talk that I felt would really lead somewhere, but it didn't. She became very defensive. I told her this was not acceptable to me and I was not going to live this way. This wasn't what I comitted to in our marriage. I took a long shot and told her I was going to look elsewhere for the affection and intimacy I needed. I honestly do not remember what her exact reply was because I couldn't believe I had just said that to her. But it was meant as a "do whatever you think you need to do" type of answer. Well, that hurts to say the least.
I do love her and it tears me apart. I don't know if I could live with the guilt if I actually was with another woman. Would I though? Yeah probably if the opportunity presented itself. Heck, I wouldn't even know where to look. It's not like I could, or even would just go out and hope to find someone.
Well, I'm not really looking for answers here, I'm just letting out frustrations.
Thanks to those of you who offered encouragement.
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I'd muuuch rather ride the highway for 90 minutes than hear screaming, clean toys and clothes up, break up fighting, be nagged silly etc. for 90 minutes. Pitch in with the kids and the Mr Mojo will rise my friend!
I've said before that if all talking and negotiating has failed, it's perfectly acceptable for the rejected party to sit down calmly with their spouse, and say, "I love you, and this has been hurting me for years. Make no mistake here; I want to be with you and no one else. But since you're not interested, I'm going to look elsewhere if things don't change in X months." Then the ball is in the other person's court. They can ignore it, but then they certainly can't be shocked if you go out and have an affair, or perhaps they can do some soul-searching and try to get some help, whether it be physical or emotional help.
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Hi, original poster here......
