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If you love him, and want to marry him, propose to him. If he says no, let him know that you are moving on, and that you aren't willing to wait until he is ready. Or wait if thats what you really want, just know that then you are handing all the power over to him.
Life is to short to not be happy. If you want to be married, and he isn't willing, and that makes you happy, its time to leave.
A women propose to a man? Also, the man said he is not ready, in edition to the fact that he has no money or stability. Money and stability is just one of those things a household needs in order for a marriage TO WORK.
Umm, summergirl, it's time to move on, but the problem is that you have invested so much time into this guy that now you don't want to leave even if it's to your own benefit. I don't know this guy from joe neckbone but he sounds like the type of guys who stay around for sex but always put off marriage because "they are not ready."
It sounds to me as if you already drifted apart before you ever got married. His priorities are clearly very different. I think you're trying to beat a dead horse... I do understand how used to him you are and how you probably can't imagine your life without him, but it's probably best to cut your losses short before it's too late... That's the impression I get from your post.
I asked my wife to "marry me" about 4 months after we started dating, so I guess your man's a little overdue. After 12 years of adventure I'm still trying to figure out who I married.
Like Johnny Cochrin would say; "If you can't commit, you must acquit."
You know where you're going in life. You've worked hard, and are happy with all of your achievements. But, there's a couple things going on in your mind right now: 1. Why isn't this dude that I've been with for so long ready to marry me? 2. Am I sure that this is the right person for me? What if he never grows out of this "phase" he's in?
Is that about it?
Ok, first, at 26, a lot of guys just simply aren't ready to get married yet. The trend has been for people to get married later in life. I can understand that, but at the same time, I don't get it.. but I won't go into all of that. Thing is, if he's not ready to make that commitment, then don't push him about it. Either two things would happen: either he would get upset and leave you, or the two of you would end up in an unhealthy relationship. It's better to just let it go. If you truly believe that he's not ready, and that he never will be, I would suggest moving on. Otherwise, just let things be.
Now that that's out of the way, let me add a little more. I see some big issues here that may ultimately affect your relationship. Do this: Get a piece of paper and make a big t in the middle of it. On the left, write everything positive about the relationship. On the right, write everything that's negative. Take a look at that, and then take a hard look at your relationship.
This is what I see:
You're an amazing person. You've struggled hard to get where you are today, and you're proud of that fact. You have ambition and drive, and you want to get out and live your life to the fullest. You're strong in your beliefs, and you know what your core values are.
On the other hand, you're with someone who seems to be misguided in life. At some point, he gave up on himself. He's the type that needs to be uplifted by others, he has to rely on outside influences in order to give him a firm foundation - which he never truly finds. I think that he's someone who is looking for direction, but doesn't have the strength within himself to take that first step.
So, put those two together and see what you get. I want you to think about these things before you even think about getting married. Is this just a phase he's going through? If you do get married, is he going to continue on with this type of lifestyle? Can you be with someone for life that doesn't share your same beliefs? What about if you have children, will he be a strong father figure to them? Would he be out every other night with his friends, drinking and partying?
I hope you see what I'm getting at here. Before you think of marriage, you need to think about the future. You're talking about the rest of your life here.. Sure, he may have been different in the past, but people grow older - and in the process, they change. The trick here is this: As two people grow older, and as they go through life's changes, they must do it together - otherwise they just drift apart.
I hope I've given you a couple things to think about.
the enormous amount of divorce has resulted in a 50% increase in divorce and a 50% drop in marriage. the lack of committment is not about him, its cause and effect.
So you have worked hard and accomplished a lot. And during this same time, he has done......nothing but go downhill. You've been with this guy for more than half your LIFE already and you are disappointed. Do you think he is going to change after you are married? It won't happen. The biggest mistake anyone can make is to marry convinced they can change their SO. You can't change him. You can change you.
Next, he won't get off the fence and commit. I think you are lucky. I know it's hard to think in these terms but try to fast forward 30 years or so into the future. Is he what you want? Is he the father figure you want for your children? Is he willing to support the family and work hard? If you get 30 more years of the same relationship you have now, will you be happy? You do know the answers to these questions.
Is this man a habit or is he the romantic love of your life? Do you just plod on together or is he the best, most wonderful individual you have ever met? Does he make you feel like the most beautiful, desirable woman on Earth? Does he make you glad to be alive? When was the last time he planned a date or a romantic weekend holiday? Are you his lover or his caretaker? You know the answers to these questions too.
Too many people settle for less. Less than they want and need. If I were standing in your shoes, I would be changing me. At the very LEAST, I would insist on dating other people and experiencing more of what life has to offer. That's fair because he is unable to commit. If you've been with this guy forever, he's all you know. Find out what else is out there. Go, see, do all the things you have been missing out on. I'm not just talking about MEN, I'm talking about LIFE.
Listen to your mind! He's like a former fellow worker of mine. Somebody asked him why he didn't get married (they were living together). He said "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" He's getting what he wants out of the "relationship".
So you have worked hard and accomplished a lot. And during this same time, he has done......nothing but go downhill. You've been with this guy for more than half your LIFE already and you are disappointed. Do you think he is going to change after you are married? It won't happen. The biggest mistake anyone can make is to marry convinced they can change their SO. You can't change him. You can change you.
And those who do marry convinced they can change their SO, or hoping their SO will change on his/her own by sheer dint of their own good and deep hearts and willingness to bend over, under, sideways, down for him/her, learn the hard way what happens when that very bitter slap of reality hits their faces.
Some of them get it early enough. Others end up needing even three decades' worth. And unless you find yourself fortunate enough to meet a new partner who does indeed believe in love, believe in complete commitment, believe that you can both withstand and conquer whatever causes any hard times together and with love, you're going to find yourself mourning anywhere from three years to three decades worth of life, heart, and soul wasted when it could have been opened to and shared with someone who---no matter how hard the times get, no matter how severe enough people in their lives otherwise, get (I never cease to marvel, in a way between sadness and disgust, at how people will transmute into monstrosities enough that they'll stop at nothing to destroy someone's happiness in love, usually for their own grotesquely selfish reasons)---will stand with and by you, hold you tight, love you deep, and never let anything or anyone get in the way of that love.
Plainly enough do you deserve better.
Quote:
Originally Posted by yellowsnow
Too many people settle for less. Less than they want and need. If I were standing in your shoes, I would be changing me. At the very LEAST, I would insist on dating other people and experiencing more of what life has to offer. That's fair because he is unable to commit. If you've been with this guy forever, he's all you know. Find out what else is out there. Go, see, do all the things you have been missing out on. I'm not just talking about MEN, I'm talking about LIFE.
And bear in mind that discovering what you may have been missing regarding life isn't even close to discovering things or valuables or such. I still rub my eyes over how many people think life is defined so purely by material or physical means that the heart, soul, and mind go neglected to the point of atrophy.
If your incumbent man has so little taste for living---and, perhaps, so little resource of heart and soul to know how to live no matter how limited one's material means---perhaps it is time for you to discover that there are such men in this world who may get knocked on their asses, perhaps over and over again, but who figure otherwise, and do their best to live accordingly, that living and loving mean more than anything.
And when you do make that discovery, you will know genuine, not in and out happiness.
Your incumbent has had perhaps long enough to decide whether making a life with you is truly for him. You should not require even a hundredth of that time to ponder and decide whether making a life with him is truly for you. There are probably passels of men out there who'd give anything and everything they have, no matter how much they actually do have, for a chance to make a life with someone as nice, as intelligent, and as heart-full as you appear to be.
It's time for your gain.
It's time for you to make life on your terms.
For your incumbent, it's well enough past now-or-never time.
A women propose to a man? Also, the man said he is not ready, in edition to the fact that he has no money or stability. Money and stability is just one of those things a household needs in order for a marriage TO WORK.
Umm, summergirl, it's time to move on, but the problem is that you have invested so much time into this guy that now you don't want to leave even if it's to your own benefit. I don't know this guy from joe neckbone but he sounds like the type of guys who stay around for sex but always put off marriage because "they are not ready."
I'm inclined to agree with you that she should leave. HOWEVER, its not our decision to make.
If she truely loves him, wants to spend the rest of her life with him, and wants to be married, and he still doesn't propose, then she can do the same.
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