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Hi, I'm not one to usually ask for advice, but this one has been really weighing on my mind and I guess writing has always been an outlet for me...
I've been in an out of this relationship with my boyfriend for nearly 9- 10 years now. We have been dating since I was 15 years old, which seemed young but we were always much older spirits. We took all the right steps in our relationship for the first 3 years....now that I am 25 and he is 26 I am so confused and hurt at a lack of a marriage proposal that I am almost resentful and find myself being rude and acting out in ways that are not normally me
I am a Christian woman that is a full-time teacher and in the military. I am highly successful with my job and with my life. I have my college entirely paid off and have many accomplishments and awards in my life. I enjoy coaching younger children in volleyball and swimming, love to work charity events and am always involved in the local animal shelters, foodbanks, and anything else to do with helping people. I feel that I am a girl that has my head on straight and have worked hard to get to where I am today. By saying the above I wanted to give examples that I have a big heart for life and for others. Problem is that while I was working myself one way my partner decided to do the complete opposite. He fell out of love with God and is no longer a practicing Christian, he dropped out of college due to partying, and now that he went back to a local 2 yr place has found himself unsuccessful with passing his boards and is in a poor place financially.
With all of this in mind, I feel selfish asking for a ring when I know he is in a poor place financially. We have not moved in together and it seems that he has little motivation to get on with his life. I keep thinking in my head that it could be depression or something, but at this point I am so frustrated from being shut out and I feel as if I am really starting to be bitter about his lack of commitment and lack of motivation to live the life that he has been given. It seems as if marriage is just not that important to him even though he insists that he loves me dearly. He said that even if he was together in all of his areas that he loves me so much but just simply "isn't ready." I just don't understand how you cannot be ready after 8 years.
Being a young woman I want to travel and experience life and most of all I would love to do it with him. Everything leads back to either money or his current state impeding that. I am incredibly in love but incredibly hurt. I know what you are probably thinking as your reading this, and that is to be a stronger person and that this all might be coming off as whinny.
This is usually not who I am. I guess when it comes to love and commitment to that one person, I still carry some old values with me in a society where divorce is so high...I've grown up around happy and extremely long marriages. Soon I will be 26 and I hate to put an timeline on marriage but I just find it hard to believe that a guy wouldn't know if they want to marry you yet by being in a relationship this long?
Being educated my mind tells me that I am crazy for staying around and constantly waiting for this man to get his life together, but my heart is still very much in love with the good things that he still does not just the memories of the past.
He is uniquely funny, we balance each other out well, and he can be extremely thoughtful as well as loyal.
I don't expect that this will solve anything as I know that I have to make the decision by myself, but honestly, with a smart and successful woman that has a big heart without the big head...what could he be waiting for?
Last edited by Summergirl24; 10-12-2009 at 04:35 PM..
Hi, I'm not one to usually ask for advice, but this one has been really weighing on my mind and I guess writing has always been an outlet for me...
I've been in an out of this relationship with my boyfriend for nearly 9- 10 years now. We have been dating since I was 15 years old, which seemed young but we were always much older spirits. We took all the right steps in our relationship for the first 3 years....now that I am 25 and he is 26 I am so confused and hurt at a lack of a marriage proposal that I am almost resentful and find myself being rude and acting out in ways that are not normally me.
I am a Christian woman that is a full-time teacher and in the military. I am highly successful with my job and with my life. I have my college entirely paid off and have many accomplishments and awards in my life. I enjoy coaching younger children in volleyball and swimming, love to work charity events and am always involved in the local animal shelters, foodbanks, and anything else to do with helping people. I feel that I am a girl that has my head on straight and have worked hard to get to where I am today. By saying the above I wanted to give examples that I have a big heart for life and for others. Problem is that while I was working myself one way my partner decided to do the complete opposite. He fell out of love with God and is no longer a practicing Christian, he dropped out of college due to partying, and now that he went back to a local 2 yr place has found himself unsuccessful with passing his boards and is in a poor place financially.
With all of this in mind, I feel selfish asking for a ring when I know he is in a poor place financially. We have not moved in together and it seems that he has little motivation to get on with his life. I keep thinking in my head that it could be depression or something, but at this point I am so frustrated from being shut out and I feel as if I am really starting to be bitter about his lack of commitment and lack of motivation to live the life that he has been given. It seems as if marriage is just not that important to him even though he insists that he loves me dearly. He said that even if he was together in all of his areas that he loves me so much but just simply "isn't ready." I just don't understand how you cannot be ready after 8 years.
Being a young woman I want to travel and experience life and most of all I would love to do it with him. Everything leads back to either money or his current state impeding that. I am incredibly in love but incredibly hurt. I know what you are probably thinking as your reading this, and that is to be a stronger person and that this all might be coming off as whinny.
This is usually not who I am. I guess when it comes to love and commitment to that one person, I still carry some old values with me in a society where divorce is so high...I've grown up around happy and extremely long marriages. Soon I will be 26 and I hate to put an timeline on marriage but I just find it hard to believe that a guy wouldn't know if they want to marry you yet by being in a relationship this long?
Being educated my mind tells me that I am crazy for staying around and constantly waiting for this man to get his life together, but my heart is still very much in love with the good things that he still does not just the memories of the past.
He is uniquely funny, we balance each other out well, and he can be extremely thoughtful as well as loyal.
I don't expect that this will solve anything as I know that I have to make the decision by myself, but honestly, with a smart and successful woman that has a big heart without the big head...what could he be waiting for?
If you love him, and want to marry him, propose to him. If he says no, let him know that you are moving on, and that you aren't willing to wait until he is ready. Or wait if thats what you really want, just know that then you are handing all the power over to him.
Life is to short to not be happy. If you want to be married, and he isn't willing, and that makes you happy, its time to leave.
I think you two are going in different directions. It may not make a difference to you now, but later, if you get married, I'm thinking it will grate on you. I don't think you can force a change in him and waiting for him to grow up may take more time than you have.
Put aside your feelings and look at it objectively. He is not the same person. He seems to have different goals and views now, and ones that aren't compatible with yours. Before age 25 or so, people change a lot. Their ways are a little more cemented once they hit their mid to late 20s. The guy you'd be marrying is the person he is now, not the guy you fell for 10 years ago.
And after 10 years, if you're not engaged, then it probably won't happen. You don't need an expensive ring or one at all to get engaged or get married either.
Don't pressure him into marriage either - that may prove to be a big mistake if you marry and down the road you are both unhappy because it's not what he really wanted.
You were kids when you met, and now you are adults. 10 years is a very long time, and people will change drastically between the age of 15 and 25. Neither of you is the same person (and that is a good thing!)
Sounds like you are in a rut/habit and are just taking each others presence for granted at this point.
Sit down with him, have a heart to heart, and see where his mind really is on the subject. I have a feeling you will both realize that it's time to move on.
Move on, the world is full of men. It might be difficult, but believe me, you will be happier in the long run. You are young, focus on your career for awhile, maybe move away, have a life. Travel.
Sometimes when you are in a situation, that is all you see, you don't see every thing else that you could do.
That's what I was thinking. Are you sure you want to marry someone who's not sure of anything at this point including marriage and seems to be going nowhere?
You sound like you have yourself pretty well together. Maybe just keeping him as a special friend as you grew up together. Seems as if he's a later bloomer than you and possibly a much later bloomer. I think you'd resent his lack of initiative in the long run myself.
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