"alone time" with adult content issues (men, cheat, friends)

[XodoX]

Originally Posted by bobman

i notice not many men are posting on this thread ?...................

Well, what are we supposed to say? Personally, I think she is totally overreacting. Other men go and cheat, he only masturbates. Maybe she has a lower sex drive - who knows. I also don't think he should have apologized.
He did nothing wrong. So many women out there who got cheated on and who do have a reason to flip out.

[Andreams]

You want him not to pleasure himself without you? Or is it the porn?

Either way, I think you are majorly overreacting. You say you enjoy porn together, so it doesn't seem like you have something against it. What if he said "I can't stand the thought of you fantasizing without me, so you can only pleasure yourself if I am next to you and your eyes are wide open so I know you are thinking of only me." I mean, come on!

Let him whack it if he wants to, jeez. I like porn, my boyfriend likes porn, and we will watch it apart and together. Doesn't mean he wants some bleach blond giant boobed women....doesn't mean I want some gorilla man....it just means we are visually stimulated by it.

I think in this case, him doing it after you asked him not to is not a big concern. In my opinion, YOU are in the wrong here. YOU need to get over it. Yes, your ex was a d-bag, okay....don't compare the two. Let this guy have his fun (with HIMSELF, mind you) when you aren't into it. Would you rather he go out and get it without you? I can just hear it; "I know I slept with her, but I wasn't masterbating to porn!".

I don't mean to sound harsh, but seriously, I just think you are being a bit ridiculous. Your feelings are valuable (we cannot control how we feel), but just cut him a break.

[Bettylou22]

Men are visual. Women are emotional.

Men think about sex every minute or so. A friend of mine told me the other day that even if he's in a committed relationship he can't help but think about having sex with every pretty girl that he crosses paths with. (he wouldn't do it because he's committed, of course)

it's absolutely natural. it's not dirty. and it has nothing to do with you.

while I understand your Puritan way of thinking, it's just not reasonable to expect someone who wasn't raised that way to repress their own sexual urges (with themself). don't you masturbate? (doesn't everyone?) if so, do you think about your boyfriend every time?

and yeah, sure, he said he wouldn't do something and then he did, but come on. we're talking about masturbation here. it's not like he didn't pick the kids up from school like he said he would or didn't pay the mortgage.

i really wish parents would stop raising their children to think this way. sex is so important in the health of both individuals and relationships.

[gman6974]

I say calm down. It isn't a big deal as long as you're getting your satisfaction from him. He just has a problem doing it at the wrong time it seems like.

Atleast he isn't having sex with someone else. Feel lucky.

[Joseph Marnix]

Originally Posted by Marylandkitten

I didn't know this would get so many varied responses so fast, thank you guys!

Instead of addressing everyone's individual interjections, I just want to mention that I know this isn't the end of the world. I have to keep telling myself that. I don't want this to turn into a relationship where day by day, I'm swallowing one thing after another (metaphorically here, guys), compromising on one thing or another that makes me increasingly uncomfortable, until I hit a brick wall and think.. how did I get here, how did I let it get this far.

He's not a bad person. He has never given me a reason to mistrust him, and being sexually depraved or neglected has never been a top priority (that I know of) in the past.

I called one of my friends earlier, and her response gave me mixed feelings. - For one, she agreed like most of you, masturbation is perfectly natural, human, and socially acceptable. What should be important if we talk (and we have to talk) should be addressing going back on his word.
- For two, him doing it to porn and going through lengths to hide it can become an issue that gets very out of control very fast, if it turns into.. him using footage of women that look like someone we know, women that he knows, women that he doesn't know, but can't get it off with me anymore without the added stimulus, or completely not engaging in sex with me anymore, but ONLY to his websites at night, etc.

I have a few hours before he gets home from work tonight, to mull through how to approach this without making it worse.

I know not everyone will understand my fears or reasonings behind why this particular frame of circumstance gives me the same metaphorical "kick to the stomach" kind of blow that cheating would. But I appreciate all of your input regardless.

1. Talking to a friend could be viewed as a betrayal of trust in the sanctity of your intimacy and marriage. Your marriage and sex life is your business, and no one else. The difference in posting in forums like this, you and he are anonymous.

2. There is a reason why he is hiding it from you, and perhaps it is also a taboo in his childhood upbringing. But the reality is, he is a man with needs. Taking care of himself as he needs, and then feel shame for doing it. Worse, he is hiding it from you. And even worse, getting caught by you which proves to him that he is a shameful person that had to hide his sexuality. That is a wrong (the premise that his sexuality is shameful) to begin with, and it is enforce by both you and his childhood misconception of "tabu" because back then, those adults were not teaching out of fear instead of personal growth.

3. It seems like sex is important to you and him, and you're both married. You both are missing the opportunity to learn the life of sexuality without shame. You are both within the sanctity of marriage and missing the opportunity to grow in intimacy. Another book I would recommend to read if "Sheet Music" by Kevin Leman.

[gwynedd1]

Matthew 18

21 Then Peter came to Him and said, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?”
22 Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven. 23 Therefore the kingdom of heaven is like a certain king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. 24 And when he had begun to settle accounts, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents. 25 But as he was not able to pay, his master commanded that he be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and that payment be made. 26 The servant therefore fell down before him, saying, ‘Master, have patience with me, and I will pay you all.’ 27 Then the master of that servant was moved with compassion, released him, and forgave him the debt.

OK so now we know what Jesus said about our failures.

In other news, men are not with their women because of sex. If we were, we would move on to the next most sexually attractive woman. If I picture my wife in my head it is not sex that produces a terror of never seeing her again. It is not dependent upon sex at all. Sex is only an expression of it.

Men certainly sin ,if you will, here a lot. The moral superiority of a man who does it in the shower is nil. Women, every time you see something you want and cannot have, you are the same.

If he denies sex or isn't available, addicted obsessed etc. Then you have a real problem. He is likely even embarrassed or a little ashamed which is why it is more or less secrete. It may not be ultimately good or productive but we are flawed beings.

One thing for certain is men do not have the same issues as women and its so easy to access these days. Also, it is certainly more likely if its been a week or more girls.

[lionking]

In the title there is "alone time" but another way to look at it is "me time". Let's be frank and I think alot of guys will agree. You love her you are turned on by her by a few things. You want to please her and all that but sometimes a guy wants it all about him. Please him even if what he wants doesn't really do it for her. Depends on the woman and whether pleasing him pleases her but there are some sexual acts that a guy loves that doesn't do much for her depending. That's why there are genres for porn, to meet demand for those that want to indulge in a little "me" time. Boobs butts, oral, group, feet, BBW.......all kinds.

So while he loves her and lusts for her sometimes if there is that little bit missing he takes care of business even if it is fantasy and he is balanced again.Or maybe he just needs a change.

[Bettylou22]

exactly, lionking! that's why we ladies dress up or act out certain fantasies for our men. so we can include ourselves in his "me time".

variety is the spice of life!

[pitt_transplant]

Sorry...but I would not be cool with him beating it in the other room when I was there either. Its one thing when you are alone...but that...considering he said he wouldnt (BIG FAT LIE) would make me even more ticked off and wonder what else he was lying about.

Guys that are porn addicts are a total turn off for me anyway.

[SmerkyGrl]

Unfortunately, the vibe that I get from the OP is still--despite her words ---"How do I get my man to adhere to my standards, because my standards are superior" :/