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My husband and I recently bought a house. Previously, we had always been renters. We were so excited to buy this house, and now I'm having buyer's remorse. The stress of the move/transition from rental to house it negatively affecting our marriage. I am stressed out all the time, the house has had many stressful problems--most recently, we seem to have some sort of larvae problem of unknown origin and a weird sulphur smell in the bathroom, both of which need to be investigated and dealt with. The yard seems unmanageable. The neighbors have been disinterested and unwelcoming. All of this is taking lots of time and energy to deal with, on top of moving and getting used to a new area. The stress of the transition is making me very irritable and tense all the time. We are not getting along well right now. We have no friends/family here to help out so it's all on us. I feel like we haven't had fun in months. I'm starting to really regret the move from renting to owning.
I'd like to change things but am not sure how to ameliorate all this housing stress. I feel super stressed at the house and much better away from the house.
A mortgage is a long term commitment, same as your marriage, and there are no short term solutions to some of the challenges you're facing. However, if you sit down with your husband and take a breather from all this, discuss what you're mutual challenges and stressors are, and then work as a team to resolve them one by one. You're in this together, and by communicating and working as a team, you may be able to use this as an opportunity to get closer.
First thing I'd do is sit down together and make a list of all the things that are wrong with the house and need repair. Then prioritize that list and come up with a plan of attack for the two of you.
The nieghbors should be the least of your concerns, however, by offering the olive branch, you may be able to strike up some conversation with them that will help shed light on the previous owners and some other issues with the house you may be unaware of.
Meanwhile, try making some sort of regular outing between you and your husband each week. Maybe every Friday evening you guys go out for a drink or a bite to eat together and discuss some of the progress you've made or some of your goals together. Get out of the house and don't overwhelm yourself with all of the doubt, fear, anxiety, and remorse that often comes with buying a home. Look at the long term benefits and tackle each challenge one at a time. Take it one day at a time.
Get out of the house and don't overwhelm yourself with all of the doubt, fear, anxiety, and remorse that often comes with buying a home. Look at the long term benefits and tackle each challenge one at a time.
Thank you for your thoughtful response. I am definitely feeling all of those you mention above right now. It's hard to see the long-term benefits of owning at this point when I am overwhelmed by stress. I preferred when I never had to think about housing as a renter--it was just there, just a neutral thing, instead of this all time-consuming, stressful thing that owning seems to be.
I'm sorry you're going through this right now. Try to think of it as a phase and that this too shall pass. Remind yourself why you bought a house--and that house in particular--and everything you went through to make it happen. Be proud of yourself and your husband.
After you give yourself a pep talk, try to get more organized in how you will deal with things. It can be overwhelming, I know. I have a lot of yard work staring me down, and I know I have to get to it. I've been putting off cleaning out the back flowers beds all summer.
Writing everything down might help, so you can see everything at once. It's scary to see the long list but gratifying to watch it get shorter and shorter. Figure out what is high priority, what can wait a while, and what you can pay someone to do. Set aside some time every day to work on your list, even if it's just doing something small during the week like pulling the weeds from ONE flower bed (half an hour). Set some time aside on weekends for larger tasks, but leave yourself time to relax and unwind too. That's what weekends are for, not so you can cram in all the chores you didn't do during the week.
Figure out why you and your husband are fighting and get to the bottom of it. Different problems have different solutions. For instance, if you are fighting because one of you doesn't help as much as the other thinks is necessary, that's not the same as simply being stressed about time and money but still feeling like you're on the same team.
I think you're allowing yourself to be overwhelmed by thinking of all of the negative things that are going on right now, as though they need to be addressed all at once.
List the issues with the home, along with the solution and possible cost involved. I would tackle these things one at a time, so you can at least track your progress and eliminate these things from your list as you go. That way, you feel as though you are getting somewhere and some of the weight has been lifted. If you scramble from the yard, to the larvae infestation, to the sulfur smell and beneath it all you are feeling homesick for friends and family and isolated from neighbors, you'll feel as though you aren't getting anywhere.
Focus on one thing at a time and do it as a team.
First find out what the sulfer issue is since it's inside the house and directly affects your quality of life. Research it, ask around, and figure out what needs to be done. Sometimes just knowing what the problem is helps to alleviate some of the anxiety because you now have a starting point and a definitive end point.
Then get working on this larvae issue. Find out what you can about it, research how to get rid of it, then make a trip to Home Depot or wherever and take care of it.
Afterwards, you can tackle the yard issue. Is it a matter of landscaping, weeds, grass, pests? Whatever the issues are, tackle them one at a time and gradually track your progress. All the while, doing these things as a team.
I don't know if you have visited other forums, but the posters on House and Garden know a lot. The top thread over on the House forum now is about a sulfur smell in the water.
I don't know if you have visited other forums, but the posters on House and Garden know a lot. The top thread over on the House forum now is about a sulfur smell in the water.
You might also check out your local area forum--that larvae problem might be common in your neighborhood, and someone else will know what to do.
Yes, I am a frequent poster on those threads! For first time home-owners like us, they are super helpful! I am going to contact a plumber to see what's going on with the sulfur smell in the bathroom. It's rather mystifying right now.
My husband and I recently bought a house. Previously, we had always been renters. We were so excited to buy this house, and now I'm having buyer's remorse.
Everyone goes through that with any large purchase, especially a home. It's very natural to hav those feelings.
The stress of the move/transition from rental to house it negatively affecting our marriage.
I don't think it's the transition from renting to owning that's causing you stress.
I am stressed out all the time, the house has had many stressful problems--most recently, we seem to have some sort of larvae problem of unknown origin and a weird sulphur smell in the bathroom, both of which need to be investigated and dealt with. The yard seems unmanageable.
Ok, so the house has issues. Why were these not addressed during your inspection? did you have an inspection? If the yard seems like too much to care for, call around and get quotes from landscapers. We didn't have time to deal with ours and found a team who cuts our lawn for $30. It doesn't have to be expensive.
The neighbors have been disinterested and unwelcoming.
Have you made an effort to talk to them, wave hello, go up and say "Hi, we're new...."? I'm sure the neighbors aren't all ganging up and looking, pointing and laughing at you. You have to sometimes be the first one to make the move, especially being the "new kids on the block".
All of this is taking lots of time and energy to deal with, on top of moving and getting used to a new area.
Moving is stressful no matter what. There ARE going to be tensions, everyone is tired, don't want to deal, etc etc.. you have to stop dwelling on the negative and focus on the positives here. I mean you are now homeowners! That has to account for something!!
The stress of the transition is making me very irritable and tense all the time. We are not getting along well right now. We have no friends/family here to help out so it's all on us. I feel like we haven't had fun in months. I'm starting to really regret the move from renting to owning.
Again, it doesn't have anything to do with "owning". You moved to a new area, I get it. So make fun where there is none to be had. Have a giant cookout and invite the neighbors. That way you are having fun and getting to know the neighbors.
I'd like to change things but am not sure how to ameliorate all this housing stress. I feel super stressed at the house and much better away from the house.
I really believe there is more going on here then just moving and buying a new house. Get in touch with neighbors, get in touch with contractors or your home owners insurance to remedy your issues and get on with life.
We are about to close on a new house and are having the time of our lives. We are excited about finally getting out of renting and have already planned a giant housewarming party and yes, the neighbors are going to be invited.
Figure out why you and your husband are fighting and get to the bottom of it. Different problems have different solutions. For instance, if you are fighting because one of you doesn't help as much as the other thinks is necessary, that's not the same as simply being stressed about time and money but still feeling like you're on the same team.
Thanks for all your excellent points. For me, it comes down to anxiety. I have never been good with transitions. And this is a big transition--first time home-owner, going from small rental to house and yard. We've never had a yard before, so that's all new too--and the maintenance of that alone is overwhelming.
I feel like I have very little control in this situation--unfamiliar house, neighborhood, suburb, neighbors have been disinterested--and as a result I have a lot of anxiety. We have no friends/family to help, so it's all on us, which only increases my anxiety. It's just been one thing after another with this house--issues that have come up. We just finished renovations last week which was a whole other mess of stress--I will never renovate anything ever again after that debacle. At least it's over now but the stress remains and we're still cleaning up remnants of the renovations--drywall dust, etc. and that in itself is a big job. I think until that is all cleaned up I will not feel at ease in this house at all.
I feel like we haven't had fun in months. I feel like when you're a home owner a lot of your free time (time that we previously spent having fun) goes into maintaining the house and I guess I wasn't fully prepared for that reality. On the other hand, we couldn't have kept renting forever--we were ready to buy (married 6 years already), but I guess the reality of owning a house and all the work and stress that goes with it is more than I expected. Am having a tough time dealing with it and am considering seeing a therapist to help with the overwhelming anxiety about this I've been having. I feel like I don't have the energy to deal with all of this. Being in the house makes me feel uncomfortable and stressed.
I guess the first thing to do is start with making a list--revise my to-do list and get it up to date with all that needs to be done. When I look at the list I feel stressed and overwhelmed, but I guess one has to start somewhere. Maybe we can schedule a date night this weekend if we get some of these things taken care of sooner, to bring back some of the fun I am missing so much.
Thanks for all your excellent points. For me, it comes down to anxiety. I have never been good with transitions. And this is a big transition--first time home-owner, going from small rental to house and yard. We've never had a yard before, so that's all new too--and the maintenance of that alone is overwhelming.
I feel like I have very little control in this situation--unfamiliar house, neighborhood, suburb, neighbors have been disinterested--and as a result I have a lot of anxiety. We have no friends/family to help, so it's all on us, which only increases my anxiety. It's just been one thing after another with this house--issues that have come up. We just finished renovations last week which was a whole other mess of stress--I will never renovate anything ever again after that debacle. At least it's over now but the stress remains and we're still cleaning up remnants of the renovations--drywall dust, etc. and that in itself is a big job. I think until that is all cleaned up I will not feel at ease in this house at all.
I feel like we haven't had fun in months. I feel like when you're a home owner a lot of your free time (time that we previously spent having fun) goes into maintaining the house and I guess I wasn't fully prepared for that reality. On the other hand, we couldn't have kept renting forever--we were ready to buy (married 6 years already), but I guess the reality of owning a house and all the work and stress that goes with it is more than I expected. Am having a tough time dealing with it and am considering seeing a therapist to help with the overwhelming anxiety about this I've been having. I feel like I don't have the energy to deal with all of this. Being in the house makes me feel uncomfortable and stressed.
Well babe, I hate to tell you this but you've already bought it. So make the best of it. You have a big yard now. Embrace it, run around in your bare feet if you can and enjoy not being in cramped spaces.
I've already addressed all the other issues. The one thing is for sure though, you cannot simply avoid the unavoidable. You bought a house, sounds like it was a fixer-upper, so deal. Make a list of priorities, knock them out one by one. If a sulphar smell is coming up through a toilet it may be as simple as you are on well water and chances are if the home hasnt' been occupied in some time, gases have had time for form - so the more the water gets running and the toilets flushed, the smell should dissipate.
We had the same problem in our current rental. The smell was so bad it was hard to take a shower but the owner assured us the more the water gets used, the smell does go away and it did.
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For first time home-owners like us, they are super helpful! I am going to contact a plumber to see what's going on with the sulfur smell in the bathroom. It's rather mystifying right now.
