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I have never been divorced but always wonder how it is so common. To me it seems so difficult to imagine how someone can be in so much love and married, and then want to break all ties. Here are some possible questions to answer to help the readers understand divorce a little better:
If you are divorced, how did it happen?
Were there some terrible fights that caused you to leave the house in tears to your Mother?
Or Did you just stop communicating due to changed personalities?
Or did you divorce after the kids grew up, after tolerating each other for years, just to keep the family together while your children were young?
Did you change or did your husband or wife change?
How did you tell your ex spouse that you wanted a divorce?
Was one of you at fault?
Last edited by conversationist; 05-15-2007 at 05:35 AM..
Especially the "in tears running to your mother" statement. I divorced a long time ago (In second marriage now) - I did not run to my mother - but could have since I was so young. I sucked it up - kept working and lived just fine without him.
I was just too young, I had to many things to do with my life.
I agree with you CityGirl72. The questions are naive, but probably only because they are written by either someone very young and/or very limited experience of life.
Getting back to the post - consider this.Yes, divorce is rampant and too many don't feel like making the commitment. There are many other sides as well. I recall a woman who worked in an adjoining office telling me she was divorcing. I was sympathetic and told her how sorry I was - her response was "Oh that's okay - it just wasn't fun anymore and that's why I filed for divorce." You could hear my jaw drop.
I think your initial assumption is flawed. Who ever said "they" were so in love in the first place? Sure, some who divorce were in love, but others got married for other reasons: pressure from family, pregnancy, clock was ticking, felt like this was as good an offer as they were going to get, liked the guy and didn't want to lose him totally, and a million other reasons.
Sometimes people don't listen to their "6th sense" before getting married and pay for that mistake later.
And don't forget the old saying "marry in haste, regret at leisure"
Firstly let me say that what I say here only applies to me, I can't know what other people suffer, even if they have related it too me.
I was married the first time when I was 21, my husband was 28...you might think I would be too immature and maybe in some ways I was...however it was I who had to take care of him. I do believe that I was too immature to see the red flags that were clear and obvious...We had reached a point where it was either break up or get married, I made the wrong choice...
After we got married my husband told me I wasn't his family...told me that he had married me in order to get my Father to to invest in his business.
If I had been more mature, I would have seen these things.
The second time I got married, was when I was 35, right after my Father had died. My family is a very toxic place to be, my Father did his best to protect me...I was desperate to find someone to protect me...again I had my eyes closed...I didn't see or refused to recognize the red flags...
Whatever these two men did too me in my life, I allowed it too happen by NOT seeing the red flags and giving them access to me when I should not have.
I am very nervous of the thought of marriage and in fact have not even been involved. Its been 5 years since my second divorce, I have spent less then two years altogether in my life, married...the thought of doing it again frightens me beyond belief, because clearly my judgement is flawed at best or non-existent.
It takes two to tango - Most with experience I am sure will agree is a failure of both people in some way. maybe some got married not seeing the reality- Its not always obvious or dramatic. But unless you are completely immature, it takes two- it is not a case of pointing blame.
I'm about a month into the divorce process. I have daydreamed about leaving since my honeymoon more than 13 years ago. I realized even before I said "I do" that I was doing the wrong thing. Actually, I realized it when I stupidly said "yes" to marry him. I was 21 years old and just wanted out of Mom's house.
I had Zero physical attraction to my husband, and looking back, there really was not much compatibility. But he was a great guy, my family adored him and I sucked it up in favor of not hurting him. I shut down and completely changed. I taught myself to never argue with him or speak up. I did everything he did, taught myself to like everything he liked. I didn't even have my own friends (even if I met them first; his personality is such that he'd move in and befriend everyone I ever met); they were all his friends. Yes, he did a lot for me, was honestly good to me, spent lots of money on stuff I said I wanted, but he was nowhere near the right type of man for me.
I actually tried to muster the courage to leave a few times over the years and didn't. I often was seriously depressed.
Not too long ago, I finally went off like a volcano and ended my marriage in very short and sloppy fasion. I cheated on him, and I think I did it to force myself to finally leave. I hurt him SO bad. We're talking extreme guilt. In many ways, it was like kicking a puppy.
THANK GOD I did not have children with this man.
But I am on my own now and loving it, despite walking away from so much material "stuff." I'm struggling, but happier than I've been in 15+ years (if not perhaps happier than I've EVER been.)
I have changed. A LOT. And it's been rather a swift process.
The cheating thing was with a longtime friend, and of course we've fallen madly in love with each other. There's chemistry and compatibility and honesty. Our timing just sucks. And I know he's not brave enough to end his marriage. He's told his wife about us, told her he refuses to stop seeing me, and that he wants to end the marriage. But she won't budge. He was hoping she'd leave him, but it ain't happenin. She's obese, has zero self-esteem and he's her world. HE's going to have to be the one to pack up and leave, walking away from a house he loves, and probably a dog he loves more. (Sounds silly, but he's nuts about animals. Thank God he also doesn't have kids.) I've given him an ulitmatum with a specific date (when I'm legally single again in about five months.) I'd love to spend the rest of my life with him, but I deserve better than being the other woman, sitting home alone for holidays, birthdays. Hoping he'll be able to find time to spend with me. F*ck that. There are plenty of SINGLE decent guys out there.
barren_milf: (can't believe this is your screen name, FFS!! )
You are decieving yourself about the new beau...
Quote:
Originally Posted by barren_milf
The cheating thing was with a longtime friend, and of course we've fallen madly in love with each other. There's chemistry and compatibility and honesty.
HONESTY?? Are you kidding? He's cheating on his wife with you, telling you his hands are tied in ending his marriage (No balls or more interested in holding onto his money and his fragile ego than onto you? Which I guess equals no balls), all the while calling himself your friend -- and you can trust that he won't lie to you to protect himself?
You are ABSOLUTELY RIGHT when you say you deserve better...
Quote:
Originally Posted by barren_milf
but I deserve better than being the other woman, sitting home alone for holidays, birthdays. Hoping he'll be able to find time to spend with me. F*ck that. There are plenty of SINGLE decent guys out there.
And even if you take a break from relationships with them, it's ok and even good to just have fck partners, taking all the necessary precautions, of course. Physical needs must be taken care of, but a little "ME" time in between relationships is what you absolutely deserve to take of yourself. Remember how you felt when you were typing these words...
Quote:
Originally Posted by barren_milf
But I am on my own now and loving it, despite walking away from so much material "stuff." I'm struggling, but happier than I've been in 15+ years (if not perhaps happier than I've EVER been.)
I have changed. A LOT. And it's been rather a swift process..
Take your power back, girl. Don't give it away to someone else. Now is your time to LIVE!!
It takes two to tango - Most with experience I am sure will agree is a failure of both people in some way. maybe some got married not seeing the reality- Its not always obvious or dramatic. But unless you are completely immature, it takes two- it is not a case of pointing blame.
sunny
Whatever the other person did to me, I closed my eyes to the red flags the led up to it, I am not sure that its EVER only one persons fault...
My first husband became violent and controlling after we married, it was clear he was only wanting to use me for what he could get...when I stood up to him he lost it.
My second husband married me to get an American citizen ship...he was wanting me to let him adopt my daughter and plotting to get me pregnant without my knowledge (to get an anchor child), I found where he had gotten some baby aspirin (mailed to him from the UK no less) that looked EXACTLY like my birth control pills. When I eventually hacked his email accounts I found where his Mother and someone from an immigration board were telling him how to accomplish getting me pregnant...did I forget how he was having an affair as well??
YES he was a monster but I didn't see the signs...
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My story and I'll bet it's highly typical.
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