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it strikes me that we live in a very selfish society in these times.
to some people, EVERYTHING seems disposable.
sad, really.
I agree and I think it comes from recent decades of everything and anything being so completely available to us and at a drop of a hat. People don't appreciate what they have anymore because they aren't working as hard as they did in the 50's, the almighty dollar holds no value to most people anymore and yeah, it's sad.
i'm not sure actually, but probably if you analyse things, you need/use him a lot more than you think.
it might just not be in ways that he recognises.
maybe do some "role play" from time to time, and play the damsel in distress, let him be there and help, even when you don't need it, it'll at least create the illusion for him.
why not start a thread of your own ?
some folks on here give some really good advice.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Whyte Byrd
My concern is he wants me to need him and I'm not showing I do enough. How do you do that without coming across as clinging?
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bobman
i'm not sure actually, but probably if you analyse things, you need/use him a lot more than you think.
it might just not be in ways that he recognises.
maybe do some "role play" from time to time, and play the damsel in distress, let him be there and help, even when you don't need it, it'll at least create the illusion for him.
why not start a thread of your own ?
some folks on here give some really good advice.
I'd rather hijack someone else's. I'm not good at piloting my own. Thanks for the advice.
Attachment theory defines four styles of attachment:
Secure - These people like having a balance between intimacy and independence. They have a healthy self-esteem and aren't afraid to get close or let someone get close to them. At the same time, they're fully able to take care of themselves and aren't heavily dependent on someone else for their happiness. Anxious-preoccupied - These people require a lot of closeness. Often, they end up being clingy, probably cause they have low self-esteem and need constant validation from their partners. Dismissive-avoidant - These people value their independence to the point where it's hard to form a close attachment with anyone. They don't want to be in a position of needing someone and claim not to need relationships. Fearful-avoidant - These people want close relationships, but have a hard time trusting others or letting them get close or opening up to others.
I think the OP is describing the third type when he talks of people who don't seem to need their partners. People who are dismissive-avoidant don't need their partner for anything, which is why they can treat them and relationships in general as disposable. But the other extreme is just as bad. If you have a partner who's with you because they need you and can't live without you, that could easily turn into clinginess. The OP asks what keeps you together if you only want each other, do you still have a sense of security knowing your SO doesn't need you, what's it like being in a relationship when you don't know that they will be there the next day, how do you know they will be there, does love have a component of need in it at all? These are all questions I would expect of someone who's anxious-preoccupied. The secure person, if they ever ask themselves these questions, would probably answer, "What keeps us together is that we both decided we're happier together than alone. I'm fully secure knowing my partner doesn't need me because I know he/she is with me because they're happier with me than they'd be without me. I don't worry about my partner not being there the next day. I'm confident they'll be there tomorrow because I think I know them well enough to know if they weren't happy with me. Love doesn't have a huge need component for me, though I can admit I need my partner for some things."
I think having a relationship based on need is unhealthy. Adults should be completely independent and be able to take care of themselves. That whole "you complete me" stuff makes me wanna vomit. Some guys like feeling needed. I fell into this trap in my 20s, getting involved with girls who needed me. It felt good to be needed, but after a while, I just resented the person for not being more self-sufficient. I also couldn't help but wonder if this person was only with me because they needed me. I'd rather be with someone who could live without me, but decided they'd be happier with me.
I am a person with needs and I am responsible for meeting all my needs by myself. If I depend on anyone else to have my needs met, then I gave up my responsibility and put myself at risk of depending on someone else for that need.
But every person is not of that mind set where their "needs" however becomes an expectation in the relationship. When that need is not met by the person, then the relationship is in question. When the person can meet his or her own needs by himself or herself, then the relationship is in question.
Everyone change, and so the relationship change.
A relationship then is better when each person wants the relationship and puts effort towards that relationship. Rather than needing the relationship and be dependent on it and become unable to function when the relationship changes.
I am a person with needs and I am responsible for meeting all my needs by myself. If I depend on anyone else to have my needs met, then I gave up my responsibility and put myself at risk of depending on someone else for that need.
But every person is not of that mind set where their "needs" however becomes an expectation in the relationship. When that need is not met by the person, then the relationship is in question. When the person can meet his or her own needs by himself or herself, then the relationship is in question.
Everyone change, and so the relationship change.
A relationship then is better when each person wants the relationship and puts effort towards that relationship. Rather than needing the relationship and be dependent on it and become unable to function when the relationship changes.
I am a person with needs and I am responsible for meeting all my needs by myself.
You can't be expected to meet all of your own needs. That's what friends and family are for.
Quote:
If I depend on anyone else to have my needs met, then I gave up my responsibility and put myself at risk of depending on someone else for that need.
Sounds like fear of losing control to me. I think that would require that you keep people at arms length. I like my intimate relations to be close enough for me to give them a big fat hug if they or I need one.
I look at it this way.
I am a person with needs and I am responsible for meeting all my needs by myself. If I depend on anyone else to have my needs met, then I gave up my responsibility and put myself at risk of depending on someone else for that need.
But every person is not of that mind set where their "needs" however becomes an expectation in the relationship. When that need is not met by the person, then the relationship is in question. When the person can meet his or her own needs by himself or herself, then the relationship is in question.
Everyone change, and so the relationship change.
A relationship then is better when each person wants the relationship and puts effort towards that relationship. Rather than needing the relationship and be dependent on it and become unable to function when the relationship changes.
So you don't "depend" on your wife for sex, or even "need" her participation?? You're fine with just doing it all yourself, so to speak???
Because I can tell you, I need my husband that way and definitely depend on him for it!
I agree and I think it comes from recent decades of everything and anything being so completely available to us and at a drop of a hat. People don't appreciate what they have anymore because they aren't working as hard as they did in the 50's, the almighty dollar holds no value to most people anymore and yeah, it's sad.
I can see where you're going with that, but I also think about the fact that we Americans work harder and longer hours than most comparable groups do. Working oneself to death does not equal appreciation. The Europeans work less and seem to enjoy life more.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Joseph Marnix
I look at it this way.
I am a person with needs and I am responsible for meeting all my needs by myself. If I depend on anyone else to have my needs met, then I gave up my responsibility and put myself at risk of depending on someone else for that need.
But every person is not of that mind set where their "needs" however becomes an expectation in the relationship. When that need is not met by the person, then the relationship is in question. When the person can meet his or her own needs by himself or herself, then the relationship is in question.
Everyone change, and so the relationship change.
A relationship then is better when each person wants the relationship and puts effort towards that relationship. Rather than needing the relationship and be dependent on it and become unable to function when the relationship changes.
I get this. I too feel that I am responsible for meeting all my own needs. If I depend on someone else to do it for me, and I cannot function without that person, then I am not whole on my own.
Needing someone to fill a void (sexually or what have you) and wanting are two different things. I will not cease to function or exist if I lose my SO. I think that is how need is defined.
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Thanks for the advice. 
