Break Ups Without Closure (men, cheating, kids, college)

[TakeAhike]

Originally Posted by Redisca

TakeAHike: I'm sorry, but I could never understand how people can hurt over youthful romantic debacles for decades afterwards. What is so special about this guy that you have to pine after him for 40 years? No one is that special. Not you, not him -- nobody. When people can't find peace because of a lack of "closure" and agonize over someone who broke up with them eons ago, it is merely because of their bruised egos and the traps they create in their own minds, that allow the past to determine the course of their lives.

For what it's worth, I developed a rule early on that has served me well in the romance department. I was 17 when I broke up with my first serious boyfriend. I really felt strongly about him; I guess you could say I was in love. For weeks, he was cold and distant, and after he mocked me in public, I told him it was over. To my surprise (what do you expect? I was 17), he said "okay", and that was that. I was really shattered, and for a few days, couldn't understand how the world could go on, how the Universe didn't come to an end after such a tragedy. And this is when I admitted to myself that there IS no closure. Life always goes on. This guy would move on and be happy with someone else. I would move on and be happy with someone else. And if you don't follow that natural progression of life, you are in for a very miserable, and ultimately pointless existence.

Keeping in mind that there is no such thing as "closure" -- a breakup is always painful -- I developed a simple rule that once a relationship is over, IT'S OVER. Forever and ever. Doesn't matter who's right, who's wrong -- Nothing dramatic -- just turning over to the next page and not going back. I never did that off-and-on nonsense that so many other women around me seemed to be doing. If an ex-boyfriend contacted me, asking me out for lunch, coffee, dinner, drink, whatever (including that boyfriend -- 10 years later!) -- I would politely turn him down. Politely: no guilt-tripping, no reminiscing, no shaming, no vague references to our relationship, no bitterness; just saying "Thanks for your offer, but I got other plans."

I've had to fight temptation on a couple of occasions, but by and large, this has spared me a lot of unnecessary heartbreak.

I'm not going to provide a lot more FYI--my family had some dysfunction. So this was 'special' for many reasons.


as soon as we split up, we are done talking about it, agonizing over it, analyzing the past, or giving it another go. I

'We' didn't split up--there was no discussion. Which is precisely the reason that I wonder to this day why he would ever want to see me again, much less be persistent. If there is one thing that I know, know, know---he didn't think I was the Right One--he didn't even think I was enough of a human to warrant a goodbye--'Nice to see ya'---wouldn't want to be ya'. Or whatever.

The only thing that makes this worth the aggravation is that I forced myself to be some kind of an adult and say --'I didn't like how you handled that'. Knowing that he wouldn't 'like' it.

Ah well--live and learn. I had been thinking about my high school---someone called a year or so ago and said there would be a reunion. I never heard from them after that and felt like reminiscing a bit. He caught me off guard. Several members of our class have died, and my brother's death was on my mind. This man was/is something like my brother. We both love the beach...


Things like that.

[picklejuice]

Oftentimes, vulnerable women become the victims of these masters of manipulation/players. They look for the weak and wounded in the pack. Don't beat yourself up over it anymore. Don't allow others to beat you up over a heartbreak either. This guy was a typical user/loser! Any man who really cares for a woman is NOT going to behave the way he did.

You deserve better! Hold your chin up high, and carry on!! There are plenty of good fish in the sea. Time to make your scales sparkle and shine again!!

Best of luck, and many good wishes to you!!!!

[TakeAhike]

[quote=picklejuice;13408870]Oftentimes, vulnerable women become the victims of these masters of manipulation/players. They look for the weak and wounded in the pack. Don't beat yourself up over it anymore. Don't allow others to beat you up over a heartbreak either. This guy was a typical user/loser! Any man who really cares for a woman is NOT going to behave the way he did.

You deserve better! Hold your chin up high, and carry on!! There are plenty of good fish in the sea. Time to make your scales sparkle and shine again!!

Best of luck, and many good wishes to you!!!![/QUOT

I suppose I can 'forgive' myself for being a 'nice girl'/60's style. The only thing slightly amusing about this is that I told my roommate who was a quite an independent/progressive sort of woman about one of our last dates. He took me to a party and ended up wrapping himself in a sheet and then insisted that I go into a bedroom with him. Thankfully, I had enough pride and sense to say 'NO!!!!!!!!' and we left shortly after that. That must have been the beginning of the end--or perhaps the end had already come and I just hadn't been notified.
My college roommate and I composed quite a salacious letter for him--since that seemed to be so important. His 'fiance' opened that letter---how many more she read I will never know---and how many other women were corresponding with him???--such things never crossed my mind. The fiance told me in no uncertain terms that 'R' is MINE and 'You Are NO LADY'. And a lot more---which thankfully I have forgotten. So fast forward 5 years to my single days and his surprise visit. I wondered at the time why he would call me and thought to myself---marriage must not be all that much fun for him. So I asked him if he wanted to stay--he didn't hesitate to accept. We did the deed---after all his talk---it was really rather unexceptional. He left the next morning and my life went on as usual. A few years after that I dated some very nice guys and had better experiences. I wasn't bitter or yearning for what was obviously not meant to be.

I honestly thought he was still married when appeared at the reunion site and asked for my cell phone number ---and kept saying 'Let's be Friends'--I had a lot on my mind and after a few emails saying I don't think that is such a good idea---I finally just caved in and gave him the cell phone number. He said he had been trying to 'Find Me'---which didn't sound right to me.
During our meeting he told me some stories of his military career and at one point he lol'd about how part of his job was to escort ladies to the theater. I thought to myself--where was your wife and how did she like that? Then he suggested a couple of times that we go away together when he could arrange a time share exchange with a business associate. I just looked at him---thinking 'You are Married' and I didn't respond. Then we talked about my brother's death from cancer and I kept saying 'I need to leave or I'll be late for my doctor's appointment'. It was just more than I could process.

Then he sent me a card---very polite and thoughtful and said he had tried to call me on his way home. I assume that he is divorced since his status elsewhere online is listed as single. Maybe it was a bad divorce---there must have been a lot of opportunities to live a 'single' life as they traveled the world. Maybe he got caught and has lost his mind??? If he has thought for over 30 years that because we were intimate on one occasion that I had radically changed into a wild woman then he really shouldn't have been serving this country at a high security level.

All I can really think is that he has ego problems and is accustomed to being the center of the universe.
After several weeks of emails he called me one Saturday morning. He had already told me---'No regrets' and I had been crying for several days about that situation and many other things---just heard that my cousin, breast cancer survivor now has lung cancer---inoperable and it has spread to her brain. My uncle in his mid 90's is in a nursing home and my mother grieves for my brother. He knew this was a stressful time for me. Anyway as we were talking I almost fainted and had abdominal cramps for several hours. I emailed him after that and said---'I'm sorry but I just cannot do this. I have cared about you and whether I should or not wished that things could have been different and it absolutely is too confusing to try to talk to you and be afraid that I cannot speak of what is important to me'. I also told him that since we had once tried a long distance relationship and that I hadn't 'enjoyed' that experience I knew that there was no reason to think it would be better this time. By all that is Holy--if anyone had been that nice to me I would not be able to live with myself if I didn't respond in an ethical manner. A month later I got a 3 sentence email telling me that he had a sunburn from working on floats during a Mardi Gras Parade. I didn't respond but was quite tempted to say--'Party On', Son.
Not that it matters but it not only makes me think even less of him as an individual --it makes me think less of the military also. The Army paid to send him to school for advanced degrees and gave him high positions of responsibility and honored him as a 'Leader'. I suppose he is pleased with himself---fooled a lot of people. I know for some the military is a calling and I respect those who serve in that manner. At this point all I have to say about this man is that it was a job. That's fine--everyone needs work--he is making a lot of money using his training and expertise. He traveled the world, had a marriage, family and now lives in a coastal environment. That would be 'enough' for most of us. So why on earth would such a person need to reconnect with a very average woman who was never 'Good Enough' for him to begin with? To brag?

I said the thing that I assumed he would least like to hear. 'I care deeply about you' and to some that is love. Who could put up with a woman who would say something like that? Yes, oh yes---friendship is really grand. He also mentioned that he attends church. Just the nicest guy---a leader in his community.

All because I went to a Homecoming football game and then thought it would be nice to go the dance. He can't ruin that memory--I had a good time and at least for that one night he was a nice boy.

[temptation001]

It sounds to me like you didn't put your cards in the open, at all. If you want him, you will have to talk to him. You will have to do the work. Yes, he married decades ago, and now he is divorced. Isn't this the opportunity you have been waiting for? He did hurt you, but obviously he moved on with his life. If he looked you up the first time and cheated on his wife with you, do you think it was meaningless to him? Maybe he is not in love with you, but I doubt he didn't think of that night he cheated on his wife with you, over and over again. Most married men don't go around having one night stands with ex-girlfriends. I think that he wasn't trying to cheat on his wife, but the opportunity presented itself when you asked if he would stay. He took it, and then went home to his wife knowing what he had done. Now that she is out of the picture, it sounds like he would like to start something with you. But if you tell him that you won't, then there really is little that he can do. Now he knows that he hurt you deeply, but some men won't apologize to a woman for hurting her emotionally. Especially him being a hard military man.

If you want him, perhaps you should see him again and work your charm on him with a charming personality. Showing him that you are depressed won't make him want to stay. If you really want him, you will have to work for his affection. Otherwise, he will leave you well alone and probably keep looking for girlfriends here and there. He is a single man now. You cannot force him to love you or be by your side. The only thing you can do is charm him and show yourself to be full of life and make him want to be with you. Maybe he didn't love you back then, but men will sometimes stay with a woman they find intriguing. Perhaps love can happen later. Right now, you are asking for too much from him emotionally.

But if you do try to win him over, don't suffocate him. He might not be interested in a long term relationship, after his divorce. But if you want it bad enough, maybe you will grow on him. He doesn't seem to be playing games, imo. He is just a man.

[picklejuice]

As much as you may want to, you simply can't get into his mind to know what he really intended with his actions! All you can go by are his actions. And in this case, his actions screamed loudly and clearly, "I'M A PLAYER!" It's a modern day word/term used to describe an age old problem.

IMO, the post above this one is asking you to "play" his game, too. I think you were quite upfront with him about your feelings, and he was just not man enough to accept them. You were an easy lay to him, and he probably just wanted to bed you again; no more no less.

The fact that you were in the middle of great emotional distress already obviously didn't phase him one bit , because he was in it for just one thing. He didn't have any empathy, or sympathy for what you were going through at the time he re-entered your life. If he had, he would have been there as a support regardless of what was in it for him. He would have been in the "hopefully" stage. He would have stuck it out for the long run had he really intended to carry the relationship further and to the deep level. The guy just wanted a good time! He came back to you for an ego and penis stroke.

Unless he comes back with a good explanation and heartfelt apology, I'd just let it be. Try to let your mind rest about this subject/guy. He is occupying far too much of it!

And remember this for next time/guy who comes calling and you are wondering how he feels:

YouTube - Percy Sledge - When a Man Loves A Woman

Otherwise, it's just:
YouTube - George Michael - I Want Your Sex

[TakeAhike]

Originally Posted by picklejuice

As much as you may want to, you simply can't get into his mind to know what he really intended with his actions! All you can go by are his actions. And in this case, his actions screamed loudly and clearly, "I'M A PLAYER!" It's a modern day word/term used to describe an age old problem.

IMO, the post above this one is asking you to "play" his game, too. I think you were quite upfront with him about your feelings, and he was just not man enough to accept them. You were an easy lay to him, and he probably just wanted to bed you again; no more no less.

The fact that you were in the middle of great emotional distress already obviously didn't phase him one bit , because he was in it for just one thing. He didn't have any empathy, or sympathy for what you were going through at the time he re-entered your life. If he had, he would have been there as a support regardless of what was in it for him. He would have been in the "hopefully" stage. He would have stuck it out for the long run had he really intended to carry the relationship further and to the deep level. The guy just wanted a good time! He came back to you for an ego and penis stroke.

Unless he comes back with a good explanation and heartfelt apology, I'd just let it be. Try to let your mind rest about this subject/guy. He is occupying far too much of it!

And remember this for next time/guy who comes calling and you are wondering how he feels:

YouTube - Percy Sledge - When a Man Loves A Woman

Otherwise, it's just:

YouTube - George Michael - I Want Your Sex

Exactly right.
lol--He grew up in Macon, GA and loved James Brown, Wilson Pickett and all the others. In fact, 'Ain't Nobody Like Me' and 'Papa's Got a Brand New Bag' were 2 favorite songs. Little did I know 'Why' these songs were so special to him. Not certain that is completely true--there is a great deal of good in him but I obviously am not 'Queen Bee' enough for him. I'd say he may have a touch of whatever ails Tiger Woods and others.

And, I believe I mentioned this earlier. He has an undergraduate degree in psychology and a Master's in Counseling. Has taught psychology at the post secondary level. He did have enough 'objectivity' to invoke a sheepish smile when he told me that. I just looked at him and said nothing. He certainly has well-developed communication skills, 'leadership' skills and there is no doubt that he was successful in that mission, also. He lol'd a bit when he said he thought the Army offered this position to prove that their officers were well-trained/intelligent. His wife must have been the brainy one--she, too, holds a degree in Counseling and also taught courses at a university. Still employed in the public schools as a Counselor and from what she posts online a rather morally uptight sort of person.

That's how I think this story goes.
Sometime this year there is a new Bill Murray film scheduled for release. 'Get Low'---based on a true story --turn of the century recluse plans his own funeral--the real life character's name was a derivative of 'R's' and I told him that when someone mentioned this film---filmed in Newnan, GA--that I thought of him. 'Ha Ha Ha' since he used to like to joke around. No response.
Must really believe his own hype. Now uses the word, 'Super' a lot.

When this film is released---possibly this summer--I will see it and I know I will enjoy it. What he cannot do again is diminish my enthusiasm for life. I would have really enjoyed hearing a lot more about his life and maybe we could have found more interests but if he couldn't understand that an acknowledgement of some sort was a first step then there was no where to go.

'Life's a beach, party, party, party'--I can only assume that for him high school nevers ends.

[TakeAhike]

Originally Posted by temptation001

It sounds to me like you didn't put your cards in the open, at all. If you want him, you will have to talk to him. You will have to do the work. Yes, he married decades ago, and now he is divorced. Isn't this the opportunity you have been waiting for? He did hurt you, but obviously he moved on with his life. If he looked you up the first time and cheated on his wife with you, do you think it was meaningless to him? Maybe he is not in love with you, but I doubt he didn't think of that night he cheated on his wife with you, over and over again. Most married men don't go around having one night stands with ex-girlfriends. I think that he wasn't trying to cheat on his wife, but the opportunity presented itself when you asked if he would stay. He took it, and then went home to his wife knowing what he had done. Now that she is out of the picture, it sounds like he would like to start something with you. But if you tell him that you won't, then there really is little that he can do. Now he knows that he hurt you deeply, but some men won't apologize to a woman for hurting her emotionally. Especially him being a hard military man.

If you want him, perhaps you should see him again and work your charm on him with a charming personality. Showing him that you are depressed won't make him want to stay. If you really want him, you will have to work for his affection. Otherwise, he will leave you well alone and probably keep looking for girlfriends here and there. He is a single man now. You cannot force him to love you or be by your side. The only thing you can do is charm him and show yourself to be full of life and make him want to be with you. Maybe he didn't love you back then, but men will sometimes stay with a woman they find intriguing. Perhaps love can happen later. Right now, you are asking for too much from him emotionally.

But if you do try to win him over, don't suffocate him. He might not be interested in a long term relationship, after his divorce. But if you want it bad enough, maybe you will grow on him. He doesn't seem to be playing games, imo. He is just a man.

I gave up on him long ago---I put the cards on the table and he didn't like it--chose to spout forth a leadership quote about not being able to change the past and 'No Regrets'. That didn't quite cut it with me---it was very important to me that he 'Understand' that I am the sort of person who 'minds' when I don't know that I am no longer in a relationship. I minded greatly---and whatever he wants to say---he KNEW That. He behaved very immaturely ---just didn't want 'the hassle' or perhaps to 'feel bad' that he hurt me.

This sort of behavior from a career army officer/highly trained leader of others, professor of psychology at some point and a person who was once a nice guy is something that I cannot support.

I'm certain there are thousands of other women who can---much more fun, much prettier, richer and more successful than me. When your life has turned out very well I would think you could scrape up a crumb or 2 of empathy.

He knows better than this. His mother would be ashamed.

[OngletNYC]

Honestly, you are too old to be droning on and on about this, like a 22 y.o. who had her first breakup last week. All the coddling you are getting on this thread isn't helping.

[TakeAhike]

Originally Posted by Onglet39

Honestly, you are too old to be droning on and on about this, like a 22 y.o. who had her first breakup last week. All the coddling you are getting on this thread isn't helping.

Why are you still posting in this thread?

From your 'perch'/throne of judgment the view must be incredible. 'On A Clear Day I Can See Forever'???

Unfortunately my view is not quite as 'Big'--and I refuse to apologize for attempting to broaden it.

Courtesy is always an effective communication tool. Perhaps what you can 'learn' from this discussion is that you need to be less self-righteous when participating in Relationship discussions? I could have responded more crudely---but as a somewhat civilized if 'stupid' person I considered the effects of my words prior to posting.

'Coddling'--yes, now and then I suppose we all need a bit of TLC and those that have provided that have helped me tremendously. If I have to read a few posts such as yours---'The Weeds'---along with the well-intended and supportive posts--I'd say it was worth the risk. Just as 'caring/love' is worth the risk, albeit apparently throughout life we must never lose our cynicism/objectivity completely.
He was once a 'nice guy'--I gave him the benefit of the doubt--and I found out some important things about his character and his priorities in life.

I hope I will never become 'too old' to learn and I'm not ashamed that some tears have been shed because at every age it 'Hurts' to be rejected. For most of us at least--perhaps you are above 'all that'.
I don't seem to have a lot of 'Donald Trump' in me. Not certain that there is anything I can do about that.

I do have the ability to ignore your future posts. Yeah me.

[OngletNYC]

Originally Posted by TakeAhike

Why are you still posting in this thread?

From your 'perch'/throne of judgment the view must be incredible. 'On A Clear Day I Can See Forever'???

Unfortunately my view is not quite as 'Big'--and I refuse to apologize for attempting to broaden it.

Courtesy is always an effective communication tool. Perhaps what you can 'learn' from this discussion is that you need to be less self-righteous when participating in Relationship discussions? I could have responded more crudely---but as a somewhat civilized if 'stupid' person I considered the effects of my words prior to posting.

'Coddling'--yes, now and then I suppose we all need a bit of TLC and those that have provided that have helped me tremendously. If I have to read a few posts such as yours---'The Weeds'---along with the well-intended and supportive posts--I'd say it was worth the risk. Just as 'caring/love' is worth the risk, albeit apparently throughout life we must never lose our cynicism/objectivity completely.
He was once a 'nice guy'--I gave him the benefit of the doubt--and I found out some important things about his character and his priorities in life.

I hope I will never become 'too old' to learn and I'm not ashamed that some tears have been shed because at every age it 'Hurts' to be rejected. For most of us at least--perhaps you are above 'all that'.
I don't seem to have a lot of 'Donald Trump' in me. Not certain that there is anything I can do about that.

I do have the ability to ignore your future posts. Yeah me.

I am on this thread because it's here and I find it interesting. I am fascinated at your blinders, and I wonder whether I've ever been guilty of the same. If so, I hope someone will tell me to snap out of it.

Ignore me if you want; my advice is sound. You started this thread asking for opinions, but you only want to read answers you like. It's not unlike your asking this guy a question about your past break up, then getting mad when he didn't answer the way you wanted.

In fact, if you could step back and look at your posts here objectively, you would see why this guy ran away from you twice: You want someone to hold your hand while coaxing you through the minutiae of your emotions; he didn't want to do that so he bailed.

It's as simple as that.