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I'm in a relationship which is getting really serious. We probably gonna marry in fall. But now my fiancee has developed some ideas I cannot really agree with. She's 30 years old and not happy with her current job situation.
So she's planning to study again. The degree will take 3 years. I'm positive about it and think it's a great idea. The negative part of her plans is that she decided that she'll be too old to get children after graduation and she doesn't want children before.
We always talked about having children and that it's part of a relationship. And now her career is more important than children. She came up with the idea to adopt a child in a few years.
I feel dissapointed. I don't really want an adopted child. It's a dilemma because I want her to study and fulfill herself but I understand that she doesn't want to give birth to a child when she's in her mid or end-thirties.
Do you think I should marry her, although I might not become father? Should I insist on my point of view or should I just accept her decision? I just wished we were 10 years younger...
Disagreements over whether or not to have children, and when to have them, are bound to have a hugely detrimental effect on a marriage. You shouldn't get married unless you are on the same page about that.
Perhaps you should explain to your fiance that having children while in school is actually easier than having them in the first few years on the job. People do combine the two and it works out fine. Is her concern about combining studies and parenthood genuine, or do you think it's just a pretext? Because if she simply does not want to have children (or at least go through with all that pregnancy and childbirth crap), she owes it to you to tell you know. She has to come clean about what she really wants.
She also needs to understand that adopting a child is fraught with aggravation and difficulty. And in any event, you don't want to, so it's a moot point.
The issue of whether to have children or not needs to be resolved BEFORE you marry. I reiterate, do not get married in the fall until this has been addressed.
If either of you sweeps it under the rug, it will only come back to haunt you and lead to major resentment.
What does she say when you state that you want children and are not interested in adopting? Has she made up her mind?
Maybe you should tell her that there is no reason to get married and can continue in a serious relationship. Lastly, is she waiting to get married in order to quit her job and go back to school F/T?
This is a relationship-altering decision. A couple things you need to ask yourself are is this the woman of your dreams and is being with her enough to fulfill your desire for a family life? Or is the idea of being a biological father more important?
Also keep in mind that whether you see it as not necessarily desirable or not, women are starting families into their mid-thirties and beyond these days. It is not easy, but many women have put careers first only to realize they desire children at a later age in life, when life is more settled and finances are better. There are risks involved to the mother and a greater chance of a baby with chromosomal issues, but I know several women who started their families after 37 and have happy, healthy children.
This is definitely something to put out on the table prior to going any further in the relationship.
Up until know I had the impressions she wants to have children of her own and I don't think she wants to avoid giving birth and all the restrictions and hardship associated with it. I believe she's in a bit of a crisis right now. She thinks that she missed too many opportunities and made not the best decisions in her life. It's not that she failed in her life, but she feels stuck in her job situation.
But you are right that it's important to agree on that important question, having children or not, before marriage. Redjan made a point. Even becoming a mother with 37 is still not too late and it could be part of the discussion with her.
We'll have to talk about it more. I'm not clear about myself neither. At this point I don't know if fatherhood is more important for me than this relationship. She brought up all this pretty spontaneously.
Sit down and talk to her, and I agree with Eresh my Aunt has a 5 yr old at 42. And I had a baby at 25. But she is so funny asking me what is hip now a days.
My ex and I discussed children before we got married and he "changed his mind" soon after the wedding. It took a few years but he finally confessed he never wanted kids he just agreed because he knew I wouldn't marry him if I knew we wouldn't have children. We divorced shortly thereafter.
If she doesn't want to have bio kids and you do, unfortunately there is no compromise for that one. The only problem with adopting is that people want babies and that takes a long time. If you were open minded enough to adopt older children or a sibling group, it would be easier to adopt and those children love their adoptive parents every bit as much as children who are raised from birth. In fact, they are more attached because they chose to be adopted and have a say in whether or not they want to be adopted by you.
If you absolutely want bio kids, you may want to marry another woman.
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