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But I'll add: Please put your kids first. No, not stay together for the kids. Rather, when you do split up, put your love for your kids' over your animosity for your future former. My sister did that with her ex-husband, as did he with her--neither one spoke ill about the other to their kids, even when they might have felt it was deserved--and their children were much better off for it, and grew up to be responsible, contributing members of society without hang-ups about love and commitment. (One is now married and has a child.)
This reminds me of a former co-worker who ceded custody to his ex-wife. He had been the primary caretaker for his two sons (how he did that with a more-than-full-time job and a two-hour commute each way boggles my mind), but during divorce proceedings, the wife demanded physical custody, being one of those people who become model parents as soon as the divorce is initiated. My co-worker made a radical decision not to fight her on this; he thought that a prolonged custody battle would ultimately harm the children and whatever arrangement is finally worked out wouldn't be in their best interests, either. Less than a year after the divorce was finalized, his ex-wife voluntarily ceded custody to him and agreed to pay child support. They merely switched the original settlement agreement around on the custody and child support issue, and this was done amicably.
My ex and I have been divorced for 3 years , and she left me for another guy. Now she calls and tells me it's all her fault and she should have been home while I was working. First she tried to make up I had another woman, but that wasn't true because all I did was work to try to make her a happy home. Now she realizes that she made a terrible mistake. You win some and lose some, but man does it hurt. We were married for 12 years.
People do what you allow. The reason she can run that game on you is because you won't put your foot down and actually say "Look, I'm sick of all these games. If you want to play games, go to the NBA and NFL because I'm not the one. You either want this to work or not." If that were me, she would've been gone with the quickness. Yes, you have kids with her but just because you have children with her doesn't mean you're under any obligation to remain with her.
I am under no obligation to remain with her, but if I do not it greatly affects my ability to parent my children. Does that make sense?
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Taking it further, you knew/should have known how she was before you married her so why you put up with her foolishness for this long is beyond me.
Yes, I was a fool for getting married in the first place. That's what desperation will do. Although I was really not ready to be married, because I had not dated anyone else, I also did not want to be alone. I was afraid that if I did not marry her, I would not find anyone else.
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Originally Posted by seeniorita
Lucario,
Sounds like both of your are bideing your time together until your kids are out of the home. I can't imagine asking my husband if he still loved me only to be met by silence, then a text hours later.
It certainly seems that way.
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She is only wanting to talk about the relationship on her terms...talking to you like some whipped puppy. It's time to set some rules if you are going to continue down this path.
At this point, I do not want to talk about the relationship at all. I am tired of her nutty rants.
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First, you need to establish your goals together. Are you past reconcilliation? Do you love each other enough to work at your marriage? The answer to these questions will guide you to the next step.
I believe we are past reconciliation, although she never really has wanted to work on the relationship.
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If your marriage is beyond repair and you can't leave each other financially, kids, etc. then, you are going to have to put her in her place about her attititude. You must become roommates. I would suggest no longer playing "marriage" and just put your feelings, thoughts, etc. out there. Like it or not, you will continue on this rollercoaster until you get things into perspective and establish respect from your wife...and for that, you must start with yourself. Good luck my friend and Happy Father's Day!
She threw that roommate thing out, saying that she wanted to date others and that we should just live together without being a couple. I told her she could date whoever she wanted.......as long as I had a little talk with her dates. That put the kibosh on that idea.
At this point, I understand that I deserve respect just for who I am as a human being. If she doesn't agree, the hell with her. I will no longer try to make her happy on any level, because I believe it is not possible.
I have a lot of empathy you, Lucero, bec I am not in a happy marriage, for 30 some years. However, think about it this way: if men "get screwed" in divorce, then aren't women getting the short end through all those years of marriage? I man, if you think she gets more than she deserves than it means that you think she should get less than what a nuetral judge--and the law--thought she should get........
I have a lot of empathy you, Lucero, bec I am not in a happy marriage, for 30 some years. However, think about it this way: if men "get screwed" in divorce, then aren't women getting the short end through all those years of marriage?
Esya, I am not sure I know what you are saying here......how would the fact that the man stands to lose parenting time with his children be correlated to whether or not a woman would get the short end in a marriage? I just don't understand the reasoning.
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I man, if you think she gets more than she deserves than it means that you think she should get less than what a nuetral judge--and the law--thought she should get........
I think she should get half of everything - the bills, the assets, the custody of the kids, etc. - anything more is just not fair.
Ergo, if I were to see the children only on weekends and a few hours on one night a week, that would not be fair. Feel me?
And who is to say the judge would be neutral? I have more than enough evidence to let me know that is often not the case.
That's a hard place to be. I have a lot of empathy for you and everyone in your situation. There are no easy answeres or outs. Divorce might seem like an easy out, but its not. There are no easy outs.
My friend is in this situation now. They had 2 kids and lived together 12 years. They got married at married years and nothing changed. They are still miserable. Finally she said maybe another baby will bring us the change we need. They had another baby & nope - nothings changed. So she decided, it doesn't matter. She has a family. She loves him, they have history and he loves her. The other women and everything don't matter. They will come and go, but her position remains. She said that small change in her thinking has made her the happiest she's ever been. And their love couldn't be stronger. Said she is finally truly happy and it took a long time coming.
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