Should I give my husband a second chance? (woman, love, children)
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My late wife's first husband was like that; he insisted that she look down so she wouldn't make eye contact with another man. That's how it started. Then it progressed to physical abuse. He knocked out her front teeth, shoved her down a flight of stairs and was basically very violent. She was a brilliant woman but somehow felt locked in to the marriage and was afraid of what he'd do if she left. Like you, she relied on him for financial support. (He was an engineer.) She finally walked out when he started being abusive to their children. My guess is that he'd have eventually killed her. In fact, I sometimes wonder if her fatal brain hemorrhage was caused by his abuse.
So your husband hasn't gotten to that point, but what if you refused to "walk with my head down"? He sounds very controlling. It's not going to be easy for him to change how he treats you.
If you do decide to take him back, do not do it until he goes to marriage counseling with you, and I'd guess that an anger management class would also be in order.
These should just be steps he needs to make before you'll consider taking him back. If he does that and you still don't feel he's changed, don't take him back.
You're still very young. Don't waste you life with a guy who doesn't treat you with dignity, respect and love. And it's not just you. Like Yankeegirl mentioned, he's going to pass this attitude on to his son if it continues, and your son could treat women the same way. You owe it to yourself AND your son to make sure this doesn't continue.
Another thought came to me after reading the above few responses. I think EVERY abusive husband, at least the physically abusive ones, are sorry and promise it'll never happen again, but then they lose their temper and BAMMM! It happens over and over until the wife leaves or is found dead.
Helpppp
I am 27 Ive been with my husband 9 yrs and i have a 4 yr old son
I finally left him 2 days ago . I had a mentally abusive relationship . He was very jealous ! I had to walk with my head down and deal with fighting all the time ( what im wearing , where im looking ect ect ) He has made my life miserable ! Now on the up side He loves me unconditionally , he was an amazing supporter ( i was a stay at home mom ) i had a house and all my bills paid . He was an okay father . Now that I left hes begging for one more chance He claims if I wouldve sat him down and discussed this (that im gonna leave before i left) he wouldve changed before it was too late. Obviously when we fought id threaten him i was taking my son and leaving but now it really happened. I also dont know if i put enough thought about what i am doing to my son . Now he is promising the world . I do love him I just dont know what I should do Right now i can survive with 1 child but what if i go back and find out hes the same 3 yrs later when i have another child.
Here's the best advice you can get from this message board: don't take anyone's advice from this message board.
We all have our own problems, obviously none of us figured it out since we're here. If you really want to know what to do in this situation, take some time to think about it, talk to friends and family, see a counselor. Those people are in 10 times better of a position to assist you in making a huge life decision such as this than anyone here can.
It's only been 2 days since you left. Wait a couple of months and see how angry he really gets. You will see a different side of him, not the I'll promise you anything guy you are seeing now. Stay where you are and figure it out. His issues are such that you may not be safe moving back.
Your husband has some issues that need to be resolved. The man should be in therapy "alone" for quite awhile before you even consider therapy together. Moving back in with him will not fix any of this, ever.
His problems have nothing to do with you. He needs to get some help with HIS issues. Only then should you consider whether your marriage will survive. If he doesn't agree, get out, stay out. Just my opinion. Good luck.
Here's the best advice you can get from this message board: don't take anyone's advice from this message board.
We all have our own problems, obviously none of us figured it out since we're here. If you really want to know what to do in this situation, take some time to think about it, talk to friends and family, see a counselor. Those people are in 10 times better of a position to assist you in making a huge life decision such as this than anyone here can.
Good luck.
This struck me as funny, somehow....(walks away gigglin`)
Someone who truly loves you unconditionally does not make your life miserable and mentally abuse you.
My guess is that he probably matches a lot of points in this article, "Warning Signs You're Dating A Loser" - or in this case, married to one: Warning Signs That You're Dating a Loser (don't miss the second page)
Note number 4 is called "The Mean and Sweet Cycle":
Quote:
"The Loser" cycles from mean to sweet and back again. The cycle starts when they are intentionally hurtful and mean. You may be verbally abused, cursed, and threatened over something minor. Suddenly, the next day they become sweet, doing all those little things they did when you started dating. You hang on, hoping each mean-then-sweet cycle is the last one.
Right now, he's in the sweet cycle because he doesn't want to lose his personal, mental punching bag. But once you're safely back with him, you be can assured that he will slip back into a mean cycle.
You say you worry what leaving him will do to your son... ask yourself what staying in a "mentally abusive relationship" will do to your son? Teach him that woman should be treated with mental abuse and jealousy to make their life miserable? What happens if your husband turns on your son and starts mentally abusing him too?
Hi everyone
Thank you so much for your opinions and support ! I guess I never really sat down and shook him and said do u realize i will leave if this continues . But he realized everytime he did something wrong and promised never to do it again . Which of course he did . And his excuse is that he got comfortable and never thought i would leave and now that he realized i did nowwww hes ready to change . I really appreciate all the support and opinions
Thank you
Jen
But if you go back, it just proves to him that you never actually WILL leave for good. So he'll slip back into the comfort of knowing you'll always come back and won't change permanently. I hope you can see that and aren't going back to him.
It's only been 2 days since you left. Wait a couple of months and see how angry he really gets. You will see a different side of him, not the I'll promise you anything guy you are seeing now. Stay where you are and figure it out. His issues are such that you may not be safe moving back.
Your husband has some issues that need to be resolved. The man should be in therapy "alone" for quite awhile before you even consider therapy together. Moving back in with him will not fix any of this, ever.
His problems have nothing to do with you. He needs to get some help with HIS issues. Only then should you consider whether your marriage will survive. If he doesn't agree, get out, stay out. Just my opinion. Good luck.
I think this is very good advice to follow. Wait to see how he reacts as he gets mad with each passing day. I think the barrier between mental and physical abuse can be very low, so I wouldn't be too quick to give him the opportunity to cross it.
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
9,516 posts, read 20,019,552 times
Reputation: 9418
Quote:
Originally Posted by cdubs3201
Here's the best advice you can get from this message board: don't take anyone's advice from this message board....
We all have our own problems, obviously none of us figured it out since we're here. If you really want to know what to do in this situation, take some time to think about it, talk to friends and family, see a counselor. Those people are in 10 times better of a position to assist you in making a huge life decision such as this than anyone here can.
Good luck.
....says, cdubs as he/she proceeds to serve up his/her share of advice--on this message board.
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Thank you everyone
