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I've told this one before, but it always been one of my favorite religion jokes (especially being a Texan!)
The Jews don't recognize Jesus as the messiah.
The Protestants don't recognize the Pope as the head of Christianity
Baptists don't recognize other at the liquor store after Sunday service prior to kick off.
And couple from my own culture:
NDN Women's Creation Story
The creator made woman first. She was lonely, didn't have anyone to boss around or to take her to bingo, so she asked the Creator for a companion. The Creator obliged her. He cut off part of her butt and made man. That is why NDN women have flat butts and NDN men are butt heads
------------------------ What Do You See?
An older Indian fellow decides to go out on the town and have just a few drinks. While enjoying himself, in that local tavern which is the wide spot in the road, he meets a young, new age type of kid who is seeking traditional wisdom, who decides to tag along. Well, the evening goes pretty good, and the kid is not to much of a pain, so the older fellow invites him back to his camp. They eat a little something and then go into the tipi and fall asleep.
Later that night the Indian fellow wakes up and his voice comes out of the darkness with, "Tell me, what do you see?"
This wakes the kid up. The new age kid thinks hard for a moment and says, "Thousands of stars."
The Indian fellow says, "What does this mean to you?"
The kid replies, "Well, I guess it means tomorrow will be another clear and beautiful day in the Creator's Universe."
The Indian fellow says, "It means to me, that someone has stolen my tipi."
---------------------
Why did the turtle cross the road?
Because he thought the medicine man would make a rattle out of him.
After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation.
They are all asked the same question: "When you are in your casket, friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy thinks a minute and replies, "I'd like to hear them say.......
This next one is an oldie but goodie email forward I first read over 10 yrs ago:
The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is, therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting, "Oh my God."
One day the Pope invited a Comanche holy man to the Vatican. The pope was showing the Comanche the many rooms and there was one room with a long line of phones. The Comanche noticed the last phone was solid gold.
He asked, "What's the deal with the gold phone?"
The Pope said, "Oh, that's my hot-line to God."
The Comanche said, "Really? Can I try it?"
"Go ahead!" said the Pope, so the Comanche picked up the phone and was talking for a few minutes. When he finished, the Pope asked him for some money--for the phone bill-- and the Comanche dug in his jeans pocket and fished out a $20 and gave it to him.
Years pass and the Pope one day asks, "I wonder how my Comanche friend is doing? I must go see him." So on the Pope's next tour of the US, he goes to Lawton, Oklahoma, bounces down the rutted dirt road to the Comanche's house somewhere in the Wichita Mountains.
As the Pope goes in, he sees that the entire house is bare but for one table in the center of the room and in the center of the table there is a cellular phone. The Comanche comes in and they get to talking. The Pope asks, "Say, why do you have a cellular phone?"
The Comanche says, "Oh, that's my hot-line to God."
The pope asks, "Can I use it?"
"Sure, go ahead!" says the Comanche.
So the Pope starts talking on the phone, and DOESN'T stop talking for hours and hours. The Pope finally finished and starts digging into his pockets and says, "How much do I owe you?"
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer. You are in the wrong place."
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way." I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right.
And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
“Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”
“No problem, just let me in,” says the man.
“Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”
“Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says the senator.
“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.” And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course . In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. “Now it’s time to visit heaven.”
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
“Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.” So, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
“I don’t understand,” stammers the senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted.”
Jesus came upon a small crowd who had surrounded a young woman they believed to be an adulteress. They were preparing to stone her to death.
To calm the situation, Jesus said: "Whoever is without sin among you, let them cast the first stone."
Suddenly, an old lady at the back of the crowd picked up a huge rock and lobbed it at the young woman, scoring a direct hit on her head. The unfortunate young lady collapsed dead on the spot.
Jesus looked over towards the old lady and said: "Do you know, Mother, sometimes you really **** me off."
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