Which Is Worse, That Your Child Wants To Marry Someone From Another Religion Or Your Child Wants To Marry An Atheist? (LDS, Christians)
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Almost 7 years, 1 child that's our own 1 step son. With my step son all parents involved (my husbands ex, her husband, and my husband) are deeply religious besides myself. None of them have a problem with me, I don't have a problem with them. In fact, my husbands ex and her husband are devout Mormons, as is my entire family. I was raised in an LDS household. I was required to go to church (house rules) until I was 18 years old, as soon as I was 18 I left.
It sucks that it didn't work out for you, but the problem was NOT his religion, it was his family. I have never been left out of anything, I have been invited to family and religious events. The only ones I cannot attend are the ones that take place in the LDS temple, but that doesn't bother me. I have no desire to step foot into an LDS temple.
Not every situation turns out as poorly as yours did, if you can't understand that then that's your problem.
I have been through it. For you to assume that no one understands what you've been through is "poor me" syndrome, you're not the only person in the world who's been through what you've been through and for you to assume that only you could possibly understand is ridiculous. If you and your ex allow religion to come between you then that was a problem with the two of you. It doesn't happen with everyone, and that was my point. You'd have to be incredibly presumptuous to assume that all experiences will be the exact same as yours.
You are wrong, it was the religion that divided us, it was because of his religion we had conflict and eventually split. I thought it was and is absurd, but I kept my mouth shut. I dont have poor me where in the hell do you get that idea, it has been over a long time, his son no longer speaks to him, a lot of resentment there. What is irritating is for some to think that it is always sunshine and roses and that because it didn't work it is because we didn't try or didn't respect each other or other bs is said, it was simply because there was a huge gap between us, it wasn't that I wasn't sure, I was firm in my atheism.. It didn't work, because it wears on you, wears you down and wears you out. People want to ignore it and put their head in the sand, that's their business. I became a more vocal atheist as time went on as much as he was a devout Mormon, I became more sure of mine and as he became more vocal, I did as well. My opinion and views will never change, based on my experience and those that I have met and know, I will never be an advocate of non belief and believers getting married but that also doesn't mean I wouldn't be there for my kids or support them if that is what they choose but I wouldn't encourage it, at all.
You know what Nea1... let me tell you a little bit about what I went through when I was 18.
I lived in Utah when I left the LDS church, my entire extended family and all of my friends are LDS. When I was open with them and let them know that I didn't believe in the religion while my parents and siblings were OK with it (in fact, I'm sure they knew it was coming) I ran into constant opposition. To this day I still have an aunt that treats me like your ex-husband treated you. She tries to pick fights with, uses the "I'm so disappointed in you" lines, tells me that I will go to hell, etc. I had friends that decided not to hang out with me anymore. I had friends who would set me up with return missionaries in attempts to try and get me to come back. I had guys who dated me because I was a "project", they felt that they needed to "save" me. I lived in a really REALLY small town and I became a social outcast because of my decision to not be LDS.
Ya, there were a lot of people that didn't want to have anything to do with me and some that were outright cruel. That being said, not all of them treated me like that. There were friends and family members that understood why I became agnostic and respected me for it. I still talk religion with a lot of them and it doesn't turn into a fight or an argument. When I discuss religion I don't assume that I'm right and I don't assume that the other person is wrong. In fact, rarely when I discuss religion with someone else does it turn into a fight. I let people know that I understand why they believe, that it's amazing that they can devote so much of their lives to religious ideals, but that it's just not something I can find myself doing.
There are those out there who will push their beliefs (both religious and not religious), there are those who while they are deeply committed to their ideals do not feel the need to change others. Everyone is different, every situation is different. You cannot assume that just because some people cannot work out because of different religious beliefs that doesn't mean that ALL couples cannot work out.
I'm able to discuss religion with my husband, my family, and my friends who are all religious and have it not become a point of contention for us.
Well good for you, that you can talk to your husband and family, I think that is awesome. From my experience and of those I know, you are a minority. I also know that as time goes on things can change, it can become a real issue for couples ( not saying it will for you). I never said it wouldn't work for everyone, I said Me being an atheist, it wouldn't work. I would NEVER do it again, and before I married my husband now, I made sure it would never be a point of contention. His family is from Norway and are practicing Pagans, something I can deal with once or twice a year. He is an atheist and I mostly get a kick out of his family. I will support my kids in whatever they do, but my kids knowing what I went through, I can say I seriously doubt they will ever marry a religious person. They are more vocal then I am, and I just don't see them sitting through some of the stuff I did all the while keeping their mouths shut.
You are wrong, it was the religion that divided us, it was because of his religion we had conflict and eventually split. I thought it was and is absurd, but I kept my mouth shut. I dont have poor me where in the hell do you get that idea, it has been over a long time, his son no longer speaks to him, a lot of resentment there. What is irritating is for some to think that it is always sunshine and roses and that because it didn't work it is because we didn't try or didn't respect each other or other bs is said. It didn't work, because it wears on you, wears you down and wears you out. People want to ignore it and put their head in the sand, that's their business. I became a more vocal atheist as time went on as much as he was a devout Mormon, I became more sure of mine and as he became more vocal, I did as well. My opinion and views will never change, based on my experience and those that I have met and know, I will never be an advocate of non belief and believers getting married.
You let the religion divide you.
It doesn't happen with everyone. But his family not inviting to you events wasn't the religion, it was the family.
I get the idea of poor me because you assume that no one else could possibly know what you're talking about.
I'm not assuming that what I said is applicable in your in situation, but a lot of the problems you bring up show that there is a lack of respect for the other persons beliefs. If your ex husband was trying to convert you he was not respecting your beliefs.
You talk in absolutes, and that is my problem. Because it did not work with you, you believe it will never work.
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I will never be an advocate of non belief and believers getting married.
It sucks that it didn't work out with you, BUT you're not everyone.
Well good for you, that you can talk to your husband and family, I think that is awesome. From my experience and of those I know, you are a minority. I also know that as time goes on things can change, it can become a real issue for couples ( not saying it will for you). I never said it wouldn't work for everyone, I said Me being an atheist, it wouldn't work. I would NEVER do it again, and before I married my husband now, I made sure it would never be a point of contention. His family is from Norway and are practicing Pagans, something I can deal with once or twice a year. He is an atheist and I mostly get a kick out of his family. I will support my kids in whatever they do, but my kids knowing what I went through, I can say I seriously doubt they will ever marry a religious person. They are more vocal then I am, and I just don't see them sitting through some of the stuff I did all the while keeping their mouths shut.
I think I'm the minority because I think that most people just assume they are right.
Being agnostic means I don't know, and I take that to heart. I don't tell people their religious beliefs are wrong or right, I tell them that I don't know and they tend to take that a little bit better than when someone says "you're beliefs are wrong".
I am incredibly vocal about my own beliefs and opinions, but I don't go into conversations "ready for battle", whereas I think MOST people do when they're discussing religion. Most people go in to prove their point is the right point, but if you don't go in with that attitude you'll find a lot less contention.
It doesn't happen with everyone. But his family not inviting to you events wasn't the religion, it was the family.
I get the idea of poor me because you assume that no one else could possibly know what you're talking about.
I'm not assuming that what I said is applicable in your in situation, but a lot of the problems you bring up show that there is a lack of respect for the other persons beliefs. If your ex husband was trying to convert you he was not respecting your beliefs.
You talk in absolutes, and that is my problem. Because it did not work with you, you believe it will never work.
It sucks that it didn't work out with you, BUT you're not everyone.
I never said that no one could ever know what I am talking about. But with your marriage like you say it is, you don't know, you haven't had to deal with your husband like I did. His family was not the issue, they didn't invite me because they knew how I felt and didn't want questions because of their RELIGION and my lack of it, I can deal with that, I don't have to live with them, it was him. My family now doesn't shut me out because of how I am. I don't have beliefs I am a non-believer period. I respected his right to have beliefs, but no I don't respect the belief. I never said that it wouldn't work for everyone, I said because I AM an atheist and because I know my kids it wouldn't and I also said, I wasn't an advocate or encourage it but that I would support them.
I think I'm the minority because I think that most people just assume they are right.
Being agnostic means I don't know, and I take that to heart. I don't tell people their religious beliefs are wrong or right, I tell them that I don't know and they tend to take that a little bit better than when someone says "you're beliefs are wrong".
I am incredibly vocal about my own beliefs and opinions, but I don't go into conversations "ready for battle", whereas I think MOST people do when they're discussing religion. Most people go in to prove their point is the right point, but if you don't go in with that attitude you'll find a lot less contention.
I didn't tell them their beliefs were wrong, not my place, I said I didn't believe in any god or any religion. Period. Your belief is you don't know, many religious I know think there is hope for you, you can be convinced at some point. Not so with atheists, we are a lost cause to most religious, we are sinners, going to hell and all that good jazz. I didn't want to battle tried to avoid it, but I am not a softie when pushed either.
Jazzymom, something tells me you are probably a little easier to live with than my ex became!! I read your posts and while I dont believe in God, I have a great deal of respect for you and your understanding and non-condemnation of us non-believers. My ex was the opposite, or lets just say, became that way over time. When our son was born, fights would ensue when I objected to him putting him through hours of bible study. I wanted my son to be able to decide for himself. I held my tongue for along time, when he would be around his family, it was VERY hard to listen to them.
I am because I don't view those who believe differently then me as headed to hell, nor do they need to be converted. But I have not always been so. I wanted to have a family unit that did religion.... I did not care what... lol
When my first son was born I put it in my husbands court and said you pick, I'll go anywhere. We can even be Buddhists, but he didn't do a thing or make any choices. So I started attending the Catholic church because that was what I knew. I tried to make him go with me. He did but hated it. I finally told him not to bother. I did this for 8 years then walked away from it all when my son came home and said his dad was going to hell.
Anyway then my journey continued and I found my way and have really come to realize that you just can't change others and in a marriage you need to accept the religious differences. But I know that I was able to do that because I never accepted the Christian idea of G-d. I don't believe that anyone has a truth.
My husband has asked one thing of me in my spiritual journey when it comes to our kids is that I not coerce them and I don't. Two of them chose to become Jewish and 1 didn't. It is really easy now to have a family that has many thoughts about religion.
The kids are doing a unit on comparative religion. They were talking about agnostics and we had a conversation about what their dad believes. I asked them if they had talked about atheism and they said no. I told them about it and then went on to say if you decide one day that you don't believe in G-d you do know you will always be Jewish and you can still celebrate holidays in a cultural way. I told them there are several Atheist Jewish families in my community. Being able to tell them that gives me peace because no matter what they do when they grow up they will not lose their Jewishness which to me is important. They will not lose their community.
I come from a family that is very tolerant and embracing of all. I have been very lucky to grow up the way I did.
I understand that all people whether they admit or not if they belong to a salvation based religion they may not say it to your face or try to convert you, but they view you as lost and on the wrong path and that does not make for a good marriage. Partners need to have respect for what the other believes.
I could not be married to someone who saw me as lost and either tried to convert me or prayed for me......
My husbands family have in little ways given me grief... I totally get his rejection of religion.
I am because I don't view those who believe differently then me as headed to hell, nor do they need to be converted. But I have not always been so. I wanted to have a family unit that did religion.... I did not care what... lol
When my first son was born I put it in my husbands court and said you pick, I'll go anywhere. We can even be Buddhists, but he didn't do a thing or make any choices. So I started attending the Catholic church because that was what I knew. I tried to make him go with me. He did but hated it. I finally told him not to bother. I did this for 8 years then walked away from it all when my son came home and said his dad was going to hell.
Anyway then my journey continued and I found my way and have really come to realize that you just can't change others and in a marriage you need to accept the religious differences. But I know that I was able to do that because I never accepted the Christian idea of G-d. I don't believe that anyone has a truth.
My husband has asked one thing of me in my spiritual journey when it comes to our kids is that I not coerce them and I don't. Two of them chose to become Jewish and 1 didn't. It is really easy now to have a family that has many thoughts about religion.
The kids are doing a unit on comparative religion. They were talking about agnostics and we had a conversation about what their dad believes. I asked them if they had talked about atheism and they said no. I told them about it and then went on to say if you decide one day that you don't believe in G-d you do know you will always be Jewish and you can still celebrate holidays in a cultural way. I told them there are several Atheist Jewish families in my community. Being able to tell them that gives me peace because no matter what they do when they grow up they will not lose their Jewishness which to me is important. They will not lose their community.
I come from a family that is very tolerant and embracing of all. I have been very lucky to grow up the way I did.
I understand that all people whether they admit or not if they belong to a salvation based religion they may not say it to your face or try to convert you, but they view you as lost and on the wrong path and that does not make for a good marriage. Partners need to have respect for what the other believes.
I could not be married to someone who saw me as lost and either tried to convert me or prayed for me......
My husbands family have in little ways given me grief... I totally get his rejection of religion.
Yes the viewing you as less or as lost was a real hard time. Some are really lucky to find partners that are understanding and tolerant, I dont know if what religion they are has anything to do with i or not, maybe. Marriages have enough to deal with without having to throw, you are a sinner and going to hell you must convert into the mix. For some it works, for many not so much. You are very lucky to have grown up the way you did. In my home, dad being atheist and mom catholic was well lets just say " loud". Being pulled in two different directions is hard on a kid. Then you feel like if you choose one path you are rejecting the other parent and so on. I think before a marriage happens between nonbeliever and believer there needs to be LONG discussion on expectations and such.
Yes the viewing you as less or as lost was a real hard time. Some are really lucky to find partners that are understanding and tolerant, I dont know if what religion they are has anything to do with i or not, maybe. Marriages have enough to deal with without having to throw, you are a sinner and going to hell you must convert into the mix. For some it works, for many not so much. You are very lucky to have grown up the way you did. In my home, dad being atheist and mom catholic was well lets just say " loud". Being pulled in two different directions is hard on a kid. Then you feel like if you choose one path you are rejecting the other parent and so on. I think before a marriage happens between nonbeliever and believer there needs to be LONG discussion on expectations and such.
I think religion has lots to do with it. My husband totally rejected religion and I believe it had to do with his upbringing. He hated the hypocrisy of it all.
My parents were Christian but they never took us to church or indoctrinated us in anything. We just did Christmas and Easter. My father had a degree from Union Theological Seminary, and a PHd in early church history. He was a theologian. He taught at the college level. We talked about religion. I never grew up with any of the ideas you see in the Christian forum.
I had a spiritual center which has always pulled me towards something. I think marriages work when the religions are compatible. Islam and Christianity in my view are not because they see others as lost. How can you build a family with someone you view as lost? I don't think you can.
I agree about children, my kids are in Hebrew school with lots of kids in interfaith marriages and those kids will have to choose and I agree it is picking one faith over another. I also believe that those kids who grow up in families that practice 2 religions have a hard choice because they are choosing the religion of one parent and rejecting the other.
I think it is unfair of families to put this on children. You are right they do need to have a big discussion! They also need to understand that what they say may change when kids come along.
I am an atheist, I am not sitting on a fence about it. I was married to a devout Mormon, for quite awhile, we had a son, whom became a serious topic with us on several occasions. I wasn't invited or welcome to their family get together...
Something tells me this wasn't because you were an atheist, per se, but due to other issues. LDS familes don't shun family members due to differences in religion, or for lack of a belief in God. My brother-in-law is a die-hard atheist and he has always been welcome at our family's functions. We have a great relationship with him.
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