Now that you are both home, do you find you spouse telling you what to do all the time? (moving, Canada)
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Years ago one of my co-workers retired and the constant bone of contention between her and her H was the yard. He was unwilling to help and she wanted the yard to look great and be full of flowers. Finally they compromised by dividing the yard in half. His and hers. He then enlarged the driveway. Taking care of all his summer yard duties.
Then Winter came and he realized he was going to have to shovel that huge driveway.
Yes, one has to be realistic about both physical healing (and meds and their influence) and psychic adjustment to a new lifestyle.
No easy answers but when you are a committed couple, it is a shared journey. How I will choose to cope with the stress -- not so sure, as it has been quite trying thus far. I have my usual arsenal of "stress busters" -- from meditation to long walks. But those things are not really helping my husband; they are simply giving me some space and peace.
We are very fortunate to have the concerned and engaged assistance of medical professionals, who have advised that personality changes under these circumstances are not that rare. It seems that it can take at least six months and maybe even a year before folks always get a grip on their new roles, health status, and start developing new coping skills.
I get frustrated but I also keep in mind that my husband was in heart failure at the time of his surgery. I feel very lucky that he survived. That doesn't lessen the daily frustration, but it does help to keep things in perspective.
And it's that shared commitment that will see you through this journey. I don't know what would relieve your husband of the stress he must be experiencing with the personality changes and reactions to his health issues and medication, perhaps it's tincture of time, the assistance of engaged medical professionals, the new coping skills you mention, all or any of the above. But your handling of your stress in any way you find you can do it is also an essential part of your husband's getting well- you'll be a much better caregiver /partner if you have those outlets. And you wouldn't be human if you didn't get frustrated at the situation, at least sometimes.
Do you ever assign each other the same tasks? Are there some tasks that bounce back and forth from him to you until one of you picks up the phone and gets someone else to do it?
I think there is a double standard with the spouse assigning chores:
when the wife writes a list for her husband, it's a "honey-do" list - quite acceptable and normal.
when the husband writes a list for his wife, it's controlling or abusive.
I hate being told what to do, but I also don't like telling other adults what to do. I'm pretty independent.
our tasks are separate - i take care of our fiances and bills, we do the taxes together, frankly i don't know what he does all day, LOL. i will leave him grocery list to pick up, note to clean up the tools and mess after he fixed something, stickies in cabinets to stop buying anymore cereal :-) he will leave me reminders to get my oil change, inspection. we make our own lists for ourselves only his a long running one, mine are short and gone once done. and yes sometimes phone calls he needs to make do not get made and i pick up the phone and get it done. like he was supposed to move us from one cable company to another and he just couldn't get himself to do it and our bill got higher and i went on the internet and changed it in 15 mts. he also does not use the internet as much a as i do, uses the phone, which always takes longer.
we tell each other what to do all the time and annoy the hell out of each other.
Yes, one has to be realistic about both physical healing (and meds and their influence) and psychic adjustment to a new lifestyle.
No easy answers but when you are a committed couple, it is a shared journey. How I will choose to cope with the stress -- not so sure, as it has been quite trying thus far. I have my usual arsenal of "stress busters" -- from meditation to long walks. But those things are not really helping my husband; they are simply giving me some space and peace.
We are very fortunate to have the concerned and engaged assistance of medical professionals, who have advised that personality changes under these circumstances are not that rare. It seems that it can take at least six months and maybe even a year before folks always get a grip on their new roles, health status, and start developing new coping skills.
I get frustrated but I also keep in mind that my husband was in heart failure at the time of his surgery. I feel very lucky that he survived. That doesn't lessen the daily frustration, but it does help to keep things in perspective.
Have you spoken with his doctor yet about the personality changes? He likely needs to be treated for depression, and maybe even needs some cognitive rehab and counseling.
I'm going to be really honest with you.... he will get worse with time, not better, unless you are able to treat this. If he has a good primary care doctor, or a good cardiologist that he respects.... I suggest you call them.
Unless you are realizing now that this actually IS his true, underlying personality. That is even more concerning. Perhaps some counseling (for yourself alone, and as a couple) or I worry for your future happiness.
And it's that shared commitment that will see you through this journey. I don't know what would relieve your husband of the stress he must be experiencing with the personality changes and reactions to his health issues and medication, perhaps it's tincture of time, the assistance of engaged medical professionals, the new coping skills you mention, all or any of the above. But your handling of your stress in any way you find you can do it is also an essential part of your husband's getting well- you'll be a much better caregiver /partner if you have those outlets. And you wouldn't be human if you didn't get frustrated at the situation, at least sometimes.
Thank you for the encouragement and kind words, Travelassie. It is appreciated.
I wish I hadn't posted anything but then - maybe others are dealing with post-surgery issues during retirement. No one really prepares folks for those situations. We go into surgery with a life and death mentality . . . and although we are fully aware of what the medical part of recovery means, we don't hear much about the behavioral mental health aspects.
Have you spoken with his doctor yet about the personality changes? He likely needs to be treated for depression, and maybe even needs some cognitive rehab and counseling.
I'm going to be really honest with you.... he will get worse with time, not better, unless you are able to treat this. If he has a good primary care doctor, or a good cardiologist that he respects.... I suggest you call them.
Unless you are realizing now that this actually IS his true, underlying personality. That is even more concerning. Perhaps some counseling (for yourself alone, and as a couple) or I worry for your future happiness.
Thank you for your wise words, sfcambridge. It is very much appreciated.
Yes, hubby is now under treatment for depression (as of Friday). I think when he gets into PT/Rehab, that will help as well.
Not sure how much of this may be underlying issues that have been below the surface for many years. I personally think counseling, whether as a couple or for him to learn some new/more effective coping skills would be beneficial. To me, a good therapist is never a bad idea when dealing with crises or life changes and hubby has experienced both recently: retirement (life change) and major surgery (health crisis).
We still have. 10 years before hubby retires and me 15 but I work from home so we already have a plan for when this happens to us. Hubby goes to the gym now about four times a week and will most likely do so during the day and he also wants to go back to college and study economics and geo politics since he is fascinated by these subjects. He has also thought that he might want to be a substitute teacher or a tutor since he really does like helping kids and has done this in the past.
So for us until I retire which at the earliest would be five years after him, but more like ten since I am self employed I think we will be ok together.
For the Op and others is there anything that hubby wanted to do once they retired that maybe that can enjoy by themselves?
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