Husbands taking care of their wives

[galaxyhi]

Originally Posted by Dave_n_Tenn

Who'd thunk it?

It's without question that I thought I'd be the one to be "taken care of" when the brain cells go bye-bye. However, of the many married couples I know who've retired.... more husbands are takin' care of their wives.... and a few wives of their wives, have passed away. I'm not properly prepared.

What should I expect?

I know all to well what taking care of someone is like and all about.

My mother {rest her soul} was stricken with a very nasty degenerative disease at the ripe old age of 20. Although she managed to just two children and I, as the older was brought up to be "helpful', until by age 8, I was running the household and taking care of her {very personal} needs. I became the adult, she the child. My father had to work, naturally so his assistance was only after work or int eh AM before work. I was able to 'move on' when he retired.

i still baby-sat for her, but as the years went on, life {the disease} was not at all pleasant to her, in fact becoming quite cruel, taking her motility, her voice, her eyesight, etc until she was a shell of her former vibrant youthful self, left only to whatever thoughts her mind may have internally generated.

My MIL had a serious stroke some odd years ago, and as her last 3 years were upon her, she too, became bedridden, and my FIL, who told her long before he would, took care of her and was by her side daily all day when she was hospitalized in her final days.

What should you expect?

well, to have to do everything for her.

Cook for her, do the cleaning and laundry, feed her, bathe and dress her, clean up and toilet her.
Expect to have to purchase or rent assistive equipment as medical insurance often will not pay for it.
Expect to do what she typically did for the house/you/family, and add personal care to it.
Expect to have to find baby sitters for when YOU need to get away for things like your own medical appts, the grocery and other shopping.
Expect, if the mind goes, for her to NOT remember or recognize you, the family or anything/one.
Expect communications to be limited, or rememberances of long long ago.
Expect her to become the baby/child, and you a serious caring adult.

It's not easy, the burden can be light or great, but you will be a better person for doing it, and you WILL survive.

I wish you the best of luck and good health til the end so no one has to care for you or you them...

[Delahanty]

Originally Posted by Umbria

More women get Alzheimer and dementia than men. Perhaps from caring for men all their lives?

Lol, I always say the women in our family live forever and kill all the men around them.

Thanks for the laugh.

[GotHereQuickAsICould]

When spouse broke a hip and needed to be pushed around in a wheelchair for several months, I started noticing all the women taking care of men in the various waiting rooms. Not much in the way of vise versa.

We used to bring my mother to a day program at a senior center. Noticed a lot of women dropping off men but not many men dropping off women. Women were generally dropped off by daughters.

Perhaps the men carrying for spouses, cared for them at home. While women turned to day programs for help, not sure.

There are caregiver conferences and support groups. These might help get a realistic view of what's ahead and how to prepare for it.

[GotHereQuickAsICould]

Originally Posted by brokensky

This is certainly true for my parents and to some extent - with me, as well. I am younger than my husband but have had to face that his impairments are the determining factor in my lifestyle at this point.

Might as well face it and deal with it sooner than later.

I can't believe how much harder it is physically for me to move boxes and pack up stuff at this stage than even 5 years ago and I am not at full retirement age as of yet.

Of course, ideally, someone can be hired to do much of the heavy lifting and handyman projects or renovations that need to be done to make a home more handicap-accessible.

But many of us will find that we need to downsize and move to a different location, so might as well start sorting and making plans even if the expected need is several years down the road. It has taken me much much longer to downsize and renovate than I ever anticipated.

Few who move into assisted living facilities do it under their own steam. Their kids are sorting through their belongings and dealing with decades of accumulations.

[GotHereQuickAsICould]

Originally Posted by Dave_n_Tenn

Who'd thunk it?

It's without question that I thought I'd be the one to be "taken care of" when the brain cells go bye-bye. However, of the many married couples I know who've retired.... more husbands are takin' care of their wives.... and a few wives of their wives, have passed away. I'm not properly prepared.

What should I expect?

You may want to consider setting things up so that no matter which one of you is taking care of the other, the burdens are eased.

Moving into a home you can manage without assistance would be a good first step.

Long Term Care insurance may be unaffordable at this point, but start looking into how you would want in home care handled. We have three neighbors who share CNAs. They seem to be always coming and going, but it seems to work for them. Some remodel part of their home into a separate apartment and use it as part of the salary for a college student to help the with chores.

Find out which pharmacies will set your medications up in those blister packs. Believe you me, they are a gift from the goddess. Not only do you not have to keep constant track of which prescription is about to run out, you always know if you have given that morning's meds.

Get your meal prep organized so healthy food is easy to do. Otherwise, you end up eating corn dogs and ice cream because everything else is too complicated.

While you both still have the cognitive abilities to do so, simplify your life. It will give you more time to do the things you want to while you still can and will ease the transition into the time you can't.

[brokensky]

Originally Posted by GotHereQuickAsICould

Few who move into assisted living facilities do it under their own steam. Their kids are sorting through their belongings and dealing with decades of accumulations.

Absolutely correct.

That is why I am giving some of my son's "future inheritance" to him now. Get it out of my household and into his and if he doesn't want certain items, that frees me up to either enjoy them in my household a while longer or just sell it and be done with the process.

As for memorabilia, you can bet the majority of it is not going to be meaningful for anyone else and what a burden to put on your family . . .

Best to get things sorted through as early as is feasible so the scenario you outlined never happens.