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Perhaps none of you has dealt with a parent who has all his marbles - like my father still does at age 97. I can assure you that if we stole his car - or tried to disable it (which is kind of laughable since he has about 10 times the mechanical smarts my husband and I have) - that would have been the end of our relationship.
All of this stuff is much easier said than done. Robyn
Perhaps none of you has dealt with a parent who has all his marbles - like my father still does at age 97. I can assure you that if we stole his car - or tried to disable it (which is kind of laughable since he has about 10 times the mechanical smarts my husband and I have) - that would have been the end of our relationship.
All of this stuff is much easier said than done. Robyn
You are right about it being easier said than done. My husband's dad is now 87 and suffering dementia, his memory is horrible, is driving much worse. He drifts over the center line, gets lost, doesn't stop in time, pulls out in front of traffic and on and on. He has always been egotistical and abusive and it has gotten worse in his old age (and with the dementia). No one will do anything because they fear him. I know one day he is going to kill himself or others with his horrible driving behavior. The family just says there is nothing they can do. Sad....
At some point in our parents lives, it becomes necessary to explain to them that we sometimes have to do things for their own good. Just like they did with us when we were children. You just have to have the guts/strength of conviction to stand up to them and explain that they are a danger to the population at large. If you have to call the cops and report them while they are driving, then that's what you have to do. If you are caring for an elderly person, you wouldn't let them fool around with loaded guns, and a car is a deadly weapon the same thing as a loaded gun. If I had to, I would've disabled the car. Fortunately that was unnecessary with our parents. We just told them that their driving was so poor that if they would give up driving, we would see to it that they had the transportation they needed. MIL even volunteered to give up the keys when she got lost on the freeway only 3 miles from home.
While it does take guts to try to talk an elder out of driving, it might be impossible to convince him or her to do so. You cannot win an argument with a demented elder. Well, sometimes you might using odd logic. But mostly, you can't.
I've detailed elsewhere how it took us too long to stop my mom from driving. There were several factors there that stopped me from insisting. But I am so thankful that she did not have a horrible accident with injury or loss of life.
My advice for those of you who live close is to disable the car. You can spend all day and night trying to convince demented elders that they cannot drive, and you may never get them to agree. Judgement is too impaired.
But if the car won't start, they can't drive. Obviously, the kids have to step in and drive the elder where he or she needs to go. (The problem we had.) So, have a plan in place, and disable the car.
Boy you are right about arguing with a person with dementia! LOL! We deal with that on a weekly basis just about everyday things, let alone the driving issue. If it had come down to it, we would've disabled the car, or found some reason to stop her from driving. I guess we could have let her license expire and then she would have to take the test to get it back. Or we could TELL HER she had to take the test. I don't think she would have known if it was required or not. It's sort of weird for my MIL. She is losing the marbles a little bit every day, and she actually realizes she is. So for her it's doubly frustrating. We have learned several ways to, I hate to say it, but to get her to do what needs to. She is an intelligent woman in a crumbling shell, with a mind that is slowly slipping away. We love her and she knows we want the best for her.
I've detailed elsewhere how it took us too long to stop my mom from driving. There were several factors there that stopped me from insisting. But I am so thankful that she did not have a horrible accident with injury or loss of life.
My advice for those of you who live close is to disable the car. You can spend all day and night trying to convince demented elders that they cannot drive, and you may never get them to agree. Judgement is too impaired.
But if the car won't start, they can't drive. Obviously, the kids have to step in and drive the elder where he or she needs to go. (The problem we had.) So, have a plan in place, and disable the car.
I've also detailed elsewhere the steps DH took to stop his mother from driving when dementia began to set in.
He's one of 4 siblings; 2 agreed she shouldn't be driving but fretted endlessly about "taking away her dignity" and didn't want to upset her. The youngest said just leave him out of it. Her physician verbally said she had no business driving but his policy was not to put it in writing. DMV was no help (not that lack of a DL would have meant anything to her.)
After consulting with the county attorney, who was a family friend, to make sure he wasn't breaking any laws, DH removed the battery and several other components from her car. He did get the siblings (who all live in town) to work with him to ensure she always had transportation.
After about a month, DH realized the car in her garage was a constant reminder and he sold it.
It was a mighty struggle. MIL loved her independence and always enjoyed driving. To say she was unhappy is an understatement. She was furious, remained so for about 5-6 months. The key was that DH (who had always been her favorite child) volunteered to be the "bad guy". He told his siblings that every time their mother complained to them to just say "Hey, it's not my fault, blame it on [DH]". And boy did she ever. She retained her previously sunny disposition for the siblings but when DH came around (often, to check on her), she furiously blasted him and accused him of all kinds of things, some car-related, some not. He let it roll off his back. Eventually - over months - that subsided to dark angry mutterings, then one day she was just over it. Her not driving became her "new normal". She and DH get along now great, it's like the whole thing didn't happen.
perhaps receiving an inheritance is what keeps some people from disabling the car or taking the car keys or removing the car from premises of the older person?
they possibly do not want to jeopardize receiving an inheritance by alienating the older relative?
they'd rather risk that the older relative kill or maim rather than risk disrupting the relationship.
perhaps receiving an inheritance is what keeps some people from disabling the car or taking the car keys or removing the car from premises of the older person?
they possibly do not want to jeopardize receiving an inheritance by alienating the older relative?
they'd rather risk that the older relative kill or maim rather than risk disrupting the relationship.
They'll lose the inheritance anyway if the unsafe driver kills someone. The survivors will sue for everything the driver has.
I have seen plenty of cyclists drive like crazy fools. It does not sound like there is any indication that the FIL was at fault. Braking early due to depth perception issues sounds like nonsense. Does your FIL have a problem seeing? If so, it is time for a visit to the eye doc. Even if he can only see out of one eye, he can qualify for a drivers license. I am willing to bet he is braking "early" because he has become more cautious and his reflexes are slowly down. That is not necessarily an issue. I see plenty of young fools on the road who drive poorly and do not understand basic traffic regulations. An older driver can be a lot safer even with slower reflexes.
Sometimes well intentioned people need to mind their own business.
They'll lose the inheritance anyway if the unsafe driver kills someone. The survivors will sue for everything the driver has.
This. In spades.
We told the inlaws that they could be sued for everything they have. They still drove without license.
We took the anonymous reporting route to end their driving. THANK YOU, STATE OF CALIFORNIA! They were well past the point of needing assisted living and this gave us the go ahead to help transition them without them knowing it was us who reported them.
My fatherinlaw died of a massive heart attack only 7 months after that transition and after many, many syncopal episodes and a failing kidney.
My motherinlaw is still alive at 95 in assisted living - 3 years later.
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