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I think - in many cases given the modern world - it is better for the children in terms of maturing and growing up to learn how to "make a life" outside of direct influences of their parents.
This assumes, of course, the typical modern family where a lot of the relatives, etc have already scattered to the wind.
In the rare cases where there is a true sane and supportive "village" and long term roots, having the extended family within a few hours is probably a decent thing. However - even when some of mine (in laws) were an hour away, we didn't see them much because we had little in common (my wife had elder parents and they basically sat in their chairs and watched TV for decades)...
My parents were very good to us (maybe too good to my siblings), but they had a "libertarian" view on life which resulted in them retiring as early as they could and then moving to Florida and SC from the Northeast. Although we missed the babysitting, etc. it also informed us that perhaps - at retirement - people should actually free themselves from many of their perceived obligations and seek pleasure (to some safe degree)...
We now have a bit of all worlds - one on the left coast, one in W. PA. and one near us in New England. The parents are still in Florida and starting to feel their years - but, somewhat luckily for us (we have responsibilities to disabled and other family members here), they are not begging for our help.
Point is - your mileage may vary depending on who you are and what type of family you were born into. Also, the USA is a very different place from much of the world and the Brady Bunch type of family is not as pervasive these days.
I like being close to two of my adult children. In fact that's why we moved to where we live. No complaints.
If your kids and families have trouble making time for you, why not do a vacay together where you meet at some great spot that offers activities for every one. You might enjoy that, rather than trailing around going from activity to activity.
I'm a self-proclaimed enabler. I love my young adults. But, in order to break that cycle I moved away. I visit a few times a year. But, I think in my particular situation, time apart is giving me a chance to break my enabling ways, and for them to learn to fiend for themselves.
Lovely40, that has to be the funniest typo I've read in a long time! I'll giggle over learning to fiend for myself all night! I am absolutely not laughing at you or your post - with autocorrect, so many typos create themselves these days, and typing on tiny phone screens makes typos part of the experience. But thanks for the chortle!
Its sad to read about so many families that were not close - my parents and only sibling are deceased now and I am only in my early 50s so I envy those who still have family - I was very close to my parents and sister - my sons never really knew their grandparents on my side - enjoy family while you still have it
I moved from NY to California when I got married. We only saw my parents once a year (at best) after that. My parents tried to be a part of our kids' life, and my life, through phone calls and letters. But, my kids (now adults) have very few memories of my parents, both of whom are now dead. I also feel like my parents missed out on so much of my life. Sure, you can tell your parents about stuff over the phone or via the internet, but that is not the same as sitting out on your porch with them on a warm summer evening, and just being together. When my Mom was in her final illness, we ended up having to move her 3,000 miles so that we could help her and care for her; it was not an easy change for her at that point but we didn't have any choice because I couldn't keep flying cross country to help her.
My parents and I didn't always get along, but being farther apart and seeing each other infrequently didn't help us get better at getting along; it just made it easier to ignore the things we should have talked about and resolved.
Now that I'm older, I really wish we could have lived closer to my parents, not just for my kids' sake, but also for my own.
Meanwhile, my husband's family lived an hour away. They saw us, and the kids, at least once a month, and often more. When they could, they were there for all the family-centered events -- birthday parties, athletic games, even elementary school graduations. My father in law is gone now too, but my kids have so many fond memories of times with their grandparents, and both are still close with my mother in law. In fact, my 25 year old son just took his 85 year old grandmother out for dinner tonight.
If at all possible, I would prefer to live within driving distance of both of my kids. I don't plan to spend every waking moment with them, but I would like to be able to see them and my (future) grandchildren when their schedules allow, and be a physical presence in their lives, not just a Skype visitor. Plus, when my husband and I get older, I know it would be less challenging for my kids if they were closer; as I said, it is not fun having to fly cross country when a parent is in the hospital.
It may not work out that way, but living within driving distance of both of my kids would alwaye be my choice, even if my kids and I don't always see eye to eye about everything.
In the end, all that really matters is the connections and memories we have of our families. I plan to make good ones.
I've said on another thread on a similar subject, I really feel bad for people who have anything but a great relationship with their family. Our sons were everything to my (now ex) wife and I, and still are. We talk or see each other almost every day, and are still as close as when she and I were living together.
I guess it is just that different people have different views on relationships, but I would be nothing and have nothing without my two sons in my life, and I think they feel as strongly about me being in their lives too. I shudder to think what my life would have turned out like if they had not been born.
For some reason or another, we all ended up living anywhere from 5-15 minutes from our parents.
They had 4 children and from those 4 children, there were 12 grandchildren - all born within a 7 year span.
Their home was a gathering spot and I don't think I ever heard an argument about which grandchild was staying over when or who was taking care of who. My one sibling had our mother take care of her daughter quite often but eventually, because of my work schedule, I knew I needed someone to be at my home so I got that. I hired an older woman who was with our family for 20 years and really became part of the family.
In other words, my parents knew ALL their grandchildren and their grandchildren knew and loved them dearly.
My father made some poor financial decisions and I was the one (and my brother) being asked for help all the time but looking back, I find myself envious of what they had - not the money part but the closeness with all these children and grandchildren.
My mother especially left quite a legacy. Some of the grandchildren - having their own children - now - have named their own children after her.
In my own case, my own children are like so many 20-somethings - no children yet from them so no grandchildren for us!! (yet - I know that can change - it did in my own family - I can remember sitting at an Easter brunch in 1982 and we were all single - within 3 years, all married and having children of our own.
My parents are both gone now - my mom was 7 years older than my dad - my dad passed at 72; mom at 89. I miss them every day. They were very social people, well loved and missed.
I tried to raise my kids to be good citizens and to support themselves for the most part once they became adults. They all went out into the world and are living their own lives and making their own mistakes, as have I. They came from me but they are not me.
My kids are scattered such that, even if I wanted to (and they wanted me to) I could not live near ALL of them anyway as quite a few thousand miles separate the 2 boys (who live next door to each other out west in Canada) and my daughter who lives in Scotland now. I have right now chosen to live right in the middle of that long span of miles - close to no one because I never want to be a burden (or have them think I might be a burden) on any of them. And while they may say different, they have shown me that they really don't want me close by .. which is fine.
None are married, none have children .. and who knows, that may always be the case. I would probably be more interested in being closer if I was a grandma. Maybe they would let me be a grandmother too and want me to visit or live nearby if they had kids of their own - hard to say right now. In that respect, though I would love grandchildren, I guess I am lucky that I have none. We don't have to venture there right now and probably never will the way things seem to be going.
All have their own lives and rarely are interested in mine. That is particularly the case with the boys, neither of whom communicate with me really. The oldest hates computers, refuses to use his answering machine, doesn't have a cellphone - he is very hard to reach (often can take weeks and trying to reach him is very stressful and frustrating for me as a result) but when I do reach him we have wonderful conversations. He also has been known to send a card on a very intermittent basis - about once every 5 years or so.
The next oldest doesn't even talk to his brother who lives next door, much less to his mother - I don't take that personally any more .. it just is what it is unfortunately. No one in the family knows much about him.
If I send $ - what other option do I have if I want to give them a gift since I know so little about the boys these days (by their own choice - I don't see that as my fault) - I never get acknowledgement the gift was received much less whether they are thrilled/thankful/you name it. Consequently after years of this, I am less inclined to try to spark anything from their end by reaching out that way. I have to assume they are doing ok and all is well with them.
My daughter checks up on me by email once in a while and we Skype about twice a year - usually near her birthday and Christmas .. and much as I love her, those conversations, if at her behest, often feel as though they are initiated to remind me that I should send money so she can 'celebrate'. Perhaps not but it can seem that way sometimes. She sends me nothing .. not even pictures or what I would (and she knows this) love most .. a recording of her singing. She has such a magnificent voice which is a gift she gives to others but refuses me.
Occasionally, she panics though if SHE can't reach ME .. and once she called police in two countries trying to find me because I had not responded for several days to her (for valid reasons .. my web access was temporarily down so I didn't even know she was concerned) ... while she often goes several months at a time without sending me a 'how are you' (not much more) email or answering my similar emails. We had a little 'chat' about that - it is nice that someone cares where I am and that I am ok .. but that was extreme given that I have no real health issues and often have to take long road trips (and have never had an accident on the road in 50 plus years of driving - though it 'could' happen of course). She often takes off for dangerous parts of the world without even bothering to let me know until she returns ... or if I know she has gone somewhere won't discuss much of the trip upon her return .. even the basics beyond 'yeah, I had a great time'. Hard to have a real conversation when one is cut off at the path so often. I hate that but again .. it is what it is and I just get frustrated if I try to pursue it further.
So, she and I talk once in a while - more frequently than I do with the boys - but it is all superficial (how is the weather, do you still like bananas .. it is difficult to know what is going to be deemed 'prying' with her) .. so it is sometimes a chore to keep it all sounding light when I do want to know how SHE really is. It often takes her a year or so to even let me know she is 'seeing someone' ... and then only if she imagines that I would think that person is suitable .. but I rarely get more than a first name even then .. if I ask more, she balks and/or changes the subject. And yes, it is imagination on her part - I have never criticized her choices in that regard or any area (except about the 'calling the police thing) really since she became an adult. I simply am interested in what makes her tick and whether she is truly happy.
She did however come to visit me last summer - but really only with the tacitly/silently agreed idea that we would travel and stay 'busy' doing whatever she wanted (which I paid for .. every cent) as opposed to sitting here at home while she went upstairs to chat with her friends on the computer or phone for a week. So .. frankly, I am not sure, even if in a weak moment I want to see her again, that I want a repeat of that. Conversation between us even when we were physically present was like a re-run of her adolescence - stilted and as though she was expecting she would be punished (rarely happened then, wouldn't now) if we talk about anything 'real'. Every time I asked her what she thought about anything at all .. she answered curtly and shut down the conversation. It was much easier in the end to just let her go talk to her 'friends' whoever they are. And she is a teacher! With me however she reverts to type every time and nothing I do really can change that .. so I just accept that it is what it is and move on.
So ... I come back to .. I raised them to be good citizens and make their own way in the world ... and I believe they are being/doing both .. so I am happy for them. What they think about me .. I have no idea.
This isn't the way I treated my parents no matter how far I lived from them ... and they know that by my example .. but it is the way it is. I won't count on them to 'look after me' ever - but I was the one who cared for my parents. I didn't 'owe' my parents that but I wanted to do it because I appreciated them even though as a child I felt they were very harsh on me, and though I was no angel, I thought they were harsh more often than they should be. As an adult I quickly got over that and realized they did the best they could with what they had/knew - and I was thankful they did that.
My kids don't owe me anything either. It may however make my decisions about what, if anything, I leave to them in my will a bit more complicated though .. I love them all equally even though they are all very different but how do I allocate the evidence of a love I am not sure they really want or acknowledge or understand in a final document and be 'fair' about it all given the circumstances. I am truly not sure .. and not even sure it really matters in the grand scheme of things. I admit to having days when I think the best thing is to give anything left after I die to the local dog shelter. And others when I think that, despite all, I should divide everything equally .. which may be possible with funds but not so easy with physical goods. But that is another topic for another thread I am sure.
Perhaps my gravest mistake was that I did NOT try to be my children's 'friend' when I was raising them .. but .. my parents didn't do that with me either .. and the outcomes were different.
My father (who lived a lot longer than my mother) was never my 'friend' even after I became an adult but I admired him for who he was and took care of him for years, despite the fact that I often lived long distances from him. For years, I 'commuted' between North Carolina and Ontario by car on almost a weekly basis. At the end I was there for over 6 months constantly despite the cost and the fact that I had to leave my husband behind (with his agreement/encouragement) and he too died during that period and I wasn't there when that happened. Had I known that would occur, of course I would have been with my husband but none of us knew. Things happen that are beyond our control. Most of us never know when our last day may be.
Anyway, I always had my parents in mind, no matter where I was and what I was doing ... I always let them know I was ok even when I was young and left home mainly because I hated being under their control. What made the difference? I don't know .. some of you may just be lucky .. some of you may have engineered your great relationships etc. with your kids .. some of you may be in the same or worse boat than I am. Things are what they are .. and we cope as best we can!
So I can wish with all my might that my children were more communicative ... but they are not. I can wish that they would do me the honour of allowing me more into their lives but that is not likely to happen. I can wish (and I often do) that we could live close to each other and 'be' close to one another but the chances of that ever happening seem dismal too. C'est la vie.
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