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Great post. One thing I would add is for the senior person to be realistic about their home being mobility-friendly. Stairs can be a killer. If you can have a main floor bedroom to where you don't need stairs. I can't tell you how many families I have known who are/were in crisis mode because mom or dad refuses to move yet can't manage stairs. Having a full bathroom on the main floor is huge. Consider downsizing to a mobility-friendly place if you can.
There is a counterpoint. By virtue of having the master bedroom upstairs (and my office upstairs, and the home theater), I am going up & down the stairs many times per day. This extra exercise is very good for me. For a year we rented a single-story house; while convenient, it detracted from physical conditioning.
I'll take the stairs -- it may help me thrive a few more years compared to downstairs bedrooms.
Finally, as part of future-proofing, when I built our house, I put in an elevator -- just in case. Sure enough, a few years later, my wife was in a wheelchair recovering from orthopedic surgery. The elevator helped a lot.
There is a counterpoint. By virtue of having the master bedroom upstairs (and my office upstairs, and the home theater), I am going up & down the stairs many times per day. This extra exercise is very good for me. For a year we rented a single-story house; while convenient, it detracted from physical conditioning.
I'll take the stairs -- it may help me thrive a few more years compared to downstairs bedrooms.
Finally, as part of future-proofing, when I built our house, I put in an elevator -- just in case. Sure enough, a few years later, my wife was in a wheelchair recovering from orthopedic surgery. The elevator helped a lot.
What I meant more is to make sure where you are living has options if you cannot use the stairs. My parents built their last home and it was 2 story. But my mother, in her wisdom, designed the home to be mobility-friendly. There was a full bath (with a shower) downstairs as well as another bedroom. Doorways were designed to be wider. If you want to stay in your home until the end it is wise to consider wheelchairs and other devices. Caregivers used a hoya lift for my mother and having the wider doorways (as well as hallways) was so helpful.
Unfortunately many people live in homes that are not mobility friendly yet they are determined to stay even when that becomes a danger. Thinking ahead can make this transition so much easier and in my opinion, help people stay in their homes even longer.
Just wondering why you would assume you would be in wheelchairs - or it obviously is just in case that happens?
So many people never use wheelchairs before they pass away.
That's interesting because most people I know have ended up in a wheelchairs before they pass.
Also, knee and hip replacements are a relatively new thing compared to the age of most homes. Many seniors will end up having one or both of those surgeries. A neighbor had knee surgery and had to stay with a relative because her house did not have a shower downstairs.
You're wrong to say everyone in an AL is there because they aren't "doing well".
Sometimes they're doing pretty good but they live in a house with many stairs, or they have adult children who just don't want to be bothered(I know a case right now like that) who won't come over once or twice a week to help around the house. Mom has slowed down a little so the daughter is pushing an AL down her throat.
So off to the AL or NH they go, as the OP posted people who are all there mentally and might have slowed down some physically are put in with people much worse off. Imagine being around that all day, so they slow down physically and mentally at an increased rate.
One poster commented that her dad said " I was 69 and now feel like 90".
It's really no different than someone going into prison for some offense who had no prior crimial record, and comes out 5 years later a street wise hardened criminal.
It's the environment you're in.
This post really resonates with me. A friend of mine calls me on her way to work a lot (it's good to have friends younger than you to keep you young, too, I think). It's a time when we can talk after she's dropped off her 2 kids and she's alone in the car. Gives us about 30 minutes of blabbing time once or twice a week.
She called this morning to vent about how her sister wants to have a family meeting about their mother. Without going into all of the details, basically the sister wants property (real estate) her mother owns, or to control it - basically, it's about money and profiting from her Mom's property. But, what she wants her mother to do, Mom is saying no.
So, the sister is now saying, basically, that their Mother is incapable of handling her own affairs, etc.
Now, granted, Mom has not always made great financial choices along with her now-deceased husband - but this did not impact sister's life at all. And in the case of this particular property, Mom is being cautious, as opposed to reckless regarding what to do with this property.
My friend was angry at her sister, and does not agree with what sister is trying to do, by the way.
But, I think this happens a lot. I know my own daughter tends to look for proof that I'm incompetent or losing my ability to take care of myself. Not in order to get anything of mine, as I don't have anything anyway, lol. She's kind of a control freak anyway, but I dread the idea of my daughter having any type of control over what happens to me when I get old. Not all kids are loving caregiver types.
And they don't seem able - or many of them - to recognize that we somehow have lived all of our lives without their help. But, there comes a day when they're maybe in their 30's or so, that they seem to start seeing their parents as feeble-minded ninnies who can't make their own decisions anymore.
Anyway, I sure don't want my daughter having control over any decisions about when/if I need to go into some type of home. I would rather trust a social worker, honestly. Although, they're often young, too, and talk to anyone with gray hair like they're 5 year olds.
Age-wise, I'm actually right in-between my friend's age and her mother's. She often complains about her mother, too, and although I agree with her a lot, sometimes I defend her mother because I can see things from her mother's perspective, because of my age. I brought that up today and said it's one of my fears that my daughter will try to take over my life, too. She does agree that her sister is out of line, but I think it did make her pause to hear me talk about how some kids treat parents like they're senile even when they aren't.
I did like the info shared in this thread that most seniors don't end up in facilities. Also, being reminded that the trend is to get in-home health care workers, as opposed to putting us all in homes is heartening.
Contrary to what someone said, I'm not worried about the quality of care I'll get wherever I end up, even though I'm very low income. Ironically, the lower income you are in the U.S., the more resources you have. I am confident there would be a social worker, at least, making sure I'm being properly cared for.
I think I just normally don't think about getting older and what might happen to me, or where I'd end up, etc. And, I think that's normally for the best. I keep busy and just keep carrying on, pretty much. It was just that it stared me in the face when I went to see my friend. And it was just sad. Sad to see him unable to go for long walks anymore, which he loved to do just a few years ago.
And my point was that it was sad, even though it was a very upscale place. I do understand the concept that you make your own happiness from within, but I won't be at that level of Gandhi-ish meditation ability in this lifetime. For me, even if I understand that concept, my environment does play a large role in my happiness. I don't need fancy, but I do need simple things like reasonable quiet, privacy, safety, and most of all independence, I think.
I really liked the reminders, too, on what we can do to live a more healthy lifestyle to avoid some of the pitfalls. I've been improving my diet and slowly losing weight, which I need to do. My dog gets me out at least once a day for a walk.
But, I also agree with whomever said when it's time, just throw me in front of a bus.
That's interesting because most people I know have ended up in a wheelchairs before they pass.
Also, knee and hip replacements are a relatively new thing compared to the age of most homes. Many seniors will end up having one or both of those surgeries. A neighbor had knee surgery and had to stay with a relative because her house did not have a shower downstairs.
Knee replacement surgeries do not require a wheelchair at home, from what doctors have told me. Maybe some others might have had a different experience.
There are also the very lightweight chairs (not wheelchairs) that have tiny wheels at the bottom - just a small light-weight aluminum frame chair that one can scoot around on by pushing their foot on the floor.. And they are not wide.
Hi, NoMoreSnow, I was so interested in your thread. Like you, we are wrestling to make the right decision before we have to. Sometimes that is not easy!
One thing I have noticed: where it is not mom/dad's idea to go into the home, adjustment is hard and sometimes never gets made. Where it is the person's own idea, half the adjustment job is already done. Also, when couples go in together, they have an easier time, always, than a single person whose whole world is turned upside down by moving to this new situation.
I can't tell you how much wrangling we have done over this ourselves. How many towns and cities we have researched, how many different living situations we have considered. I liked the idea of the person who put in an elevator, just in case. That was really forward-thinking! While it does not solve the problem of the grocery store and how to get there, it solves most everything else of day-to-day living. I also thought the poster who had renovated her house just in case her father might want to move in with them showed great compassion and understanding.
I'm not sure I want to live my last years in the town where my children are - I know it is the smart thing to move beside them, but the town has not got the ambience I like and am familiar with, and has emphasis on things I am not interested in. OTOH, if I leave it too many more years I will be too old to care about those things anyway! But if we do leave it that long, we will not have the energy to carry out the move.
Knee replacement surgeries do not require a wheelchair at home, from what doctors have told me. Maybe some others might have had a different experience.
There are also the very lightweight chairs (not wheelchairs) that have tiny wheels at the bottom - just a small light-weight aluminum frame chair that one can scoot around on by pushing their foot on the floor.. And they are not wide.
Our friend had one of those scooters after she fractured her ankle while walking her dog. She got around great with it; she's in her late sixties, quite fit and with no balance issues.
My SIL had her knee replaced this past winter and had to stay with a relative for a short while, not because of a wheelchair, but a lack of a bathroom/shower on the main floor. At first she thought she could scoot up the stairs on her behind until the doctor pointed out how a fall or twist could impact the new hardware.
My Mom is in a CCCR memory unit after trying assisted living, she needs more care than an AL offers. One of the women I met there had moved to the facility with husband years ago after retiring. They had bought a villa on the grounds and lived there for many years until he died. She moved into AL and has a double suite now, it's quite spacious and her bank account probably is too. The money invested in the villa reverts back to the facility as she moves through the levels of care she may need. She is with friends/people she has known for years. A good example of how a CCCR can work.
I wish Mom could have enjoyed all the benefits of socializing along with the pool and activities there. Unfortunately, she has always had a morbid fear of nursing homes and avoided visiting anyone in one whenever she could and now her worst fear has come true. Thankfully her dementia lets her live without fully knowing where she is at the moment.
I've never viewed these type of facilities as the horror show my Mom did; they are what they are.
OP - you are not alone in your fear of becoming feeble and the time when you look forward to breakfast, lunch and dinner. Stay active, both mentally & psychically so you have a better chance of not having to go to a nursing home.
In my family we have all died of illness, not one of us other than my maternal grandfather died in an accident and only one relative died peacefully in his own home. The rest all died in hospice from the usual ailments. It scares me to death.
There is only one way to assure you won't get old...
Let me tell you now that while you are middle aged, you still consider yourself young. As long as you are getting up in the morning and putting on your shoes and having your coffee and heading out the door to work, or to babysit, or golf, or go to card/book/sewing club, you won't realize that It's Happening. You may delay it a bit, but you can't stop it. You are aging.
There's a good reason why most people lose some visual acuity. It's so that when you look in the mirror you're still seeing the face that has looked back at you since you were young and good-looking.
And one day, you just don't feel like you used to and you realize that you've finally done it...you're finally old. And all the talk of planning for the day you get old is just that - talk. You thought about planning for it but it seemed like it was too soon to worry about it.
Since I never actually expected to live this long, my long range plans consisted of making sure the coffee pot was set to brew at 5 AM and to pay the water bill before the due date.
Here I am, independent as ever, still readying the pot before I fall asleep and paying bills and making a nice salad to go with my chicken.
I have read and heard all the arguments for ALF (when the time comes) and how people just love it because it gives them an opportunity to interact with their peers. If I wanted that, I'd be at the Senior Center instead of hanging out with you nice folks on CD. "Oh, my, there are so many activities at the ALF and it's just so much fun." No, it isn't. I've never found it fun to be cajoled into an activity directed by a much younger social director who only thinks he/she knows what "old" people like.
I don't go to the Senior Center because it's full of old people. I just had the most wonderful visit from my youngest son and his youngest son who turns two in a couple of weeks. He's a bundle of energy and I feel like I got an injection of youth which will carry me through the day. I go to see another grandchild "graduate" from Kindergarten this afternoon. And later in the week, yet another graduates
from high school.
My favorite author had a new book released yesterday and I'm halfway through it. Looking forward to a week at the beach. And a visit from another granddaughter who is bringing me gifts she picked up for me when she chaperoned a group of university students on a service trip to Arizona.
When I have a good day, I enjoy it and when I have a not-so-good day, I take it easy, rest what hurts, and look forward to a better day tomorrow. I may have to get older but by damn I refuse to get old.
You're wrong to say everyone in an AL is there because they aren't "doing well".
Sometimes they're doing pretty good but they live in a house with many stairs, or they have adult children who just don't want to be bothered(I know a case right now like that) who won't come over once or twice a week to help around the house. Mom has slowed down a little so the daughter is pushing an AL down her throat.
So off to the AL or NH they go, as the OP posted people who are all there mentally and might have slowed down some physically are put in with people much worse off. Imagine being around that all day, so they slow down physically and mentally at an increased rate.
One poster commented that her dad said " I was 69 and now feel like 90".
It's really no different than someone going into prison for some offense who had no prior crimial record, and comes out 5 years later a street wise hardened criminal.
It's the environment you're in.
Well, is this Mom you speak of able to function independently or not?
Why do you incessantly hammer adult children for their supposed abuse of their elders? You apparently have an obsession about this topic.
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