Watching a parent pass away (2014, husband, support, raise)
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Yesterday I was called to my dad's bedside where after a couple of hours he took his final breath. This is the second parent I watch pass and it still unnerved me. I sort of went into shock. He had been very sick and was at the mercy of others for everything. He died of prostate cancer at the age of 83. My mother passed away in 2010 of breast cancer at 77.
But I was also glad to be there on those days to be there for my parents to pass. I know it was a comfort for them to know I was there. In the case of my dad, my wife was there as well. He really did appreciate that and I believe he showed it by letting go. It was very hard on his wife but..... he is no longer suffering and she no longer has to go through that everyday chore of watching him get worse.
Don't be a ball-buster, Soldier. You are *allowed* to be unnerved, *allowed* to grieve. If you're a Boomer or Silent Gen and need to take it in stoic silence, then allow yourself to grieve quietly ...but don't skip the step.
If you need to talk to someone, seek them out on the down-low.
I didn't watch parents die, my dad had the horror of that for his wife (my mom), which I missed by about four hours, and my dad died quietly and peacefully (truly) in his favorite chair of a massive coronary. The only ones who saw that were him, the Reaper, and the good Lord.
I've held beloved pets as they passed, that's bad enough.
My condolences on your parent's struggles. I'd choose to go with a bang vs. a whimper, and if that happens I hope my friends realize it was the way I wanted it to happen. Hope that's 50-100 years from now...
I am sorry for your loss! I did more than a decade of elder care and honestly what I felt the most was relief. It was finally over. No more suffering for me or them!
My father died in 2013. Prostate cancer that metastasized to his bladder and kidney. No one is ever ready. At the same time he was ill and in the needing care, my husband had been diagnosed in 2011 with Prostate cancer stage IV. Already in the bones and spine and skull. They told me he had 6 months at best. Daily cancer treatments and many many sleepless nights and tired days, BUT I did not lose him until 2015. He died at home. Never would let him be in a hospital for a day or more. Hardest thing in my life. Keeping a smile and staying positive in his eyes and my fathers. Many times I would have to step out on the porch and cry and then go back in like nothing was wrong. It is hard and people who do this deserve a lot of respect. Caring for someone who is gravely ill and knowing that you are basically taking care of someone who will eventually just die can weigh heavy on your soul and heart. Even though it was expected, the moment that he took his last breath was so emotional and unexpected and yes a relief. I am not sure if I cried more for mine and his kids lose or that his pain was over.
No matter what you feel, think or do...it is right for you. I am very sorry for the loss in your life. May bright sunshine and happiness always be there to fill the space and memories.
Just a slightly different slant. When one experiences the passing of a parent, it is a good time to take stock of one's own plans, as they relate to children and relatives. Do you have a will, a surrogate healthcare agreement, a DNR, a living will/plan, a Long Term healthcare policy, a plan for where you will be buried and at what expense, etc.. Have you communicated these things to your children or next of kin?
Da Nile is a river in Egypt. None of us are getting out of here alive - and the fresh experience of being their with a parent, then making burial arrangements and finally executing the estate, should be a learning experience.
Yes, I've been thinking about this lately as I will be 60 this year. I only have one (adult) child, so everything goes to her, but someone told me I should make a will anyway. At the very least, she would have no idea where to find stuff like the deed to my condo, my life insurance papers, etc. She would find it all eventually, but hey. It's in a big plastic box. Organizing files has never been my strong suit.
I haven't done it yet, and I'm about to leave on 500-mile drive. Hope I make it back. Otherwise, oops, sorry, honey.
Dad had cancer and died slowly, losing his mind. I got all his stuff, but we gave most of it away to a shelter. The clothes weren't in bad condition and most of his stuff which could be used went to them.
I kept a few keepsakes. Most of what he'd taken with him when he moved had mysteriously vanished. His 'friend' had likely taken care of it before when Dad was past noticing.
Mom was sick, or on the verge of it. She was very weak. She just collapsed with no warning. I did give the clothes which were good to charity, but had to also take care of Dad. He called one day, said he was moving and come get what I wanted. We had a van so we got stuff with memories. He hadn't said anything aobut the move.
My ex died suddenly a few years ago. We'd long been split. I didn't want anything of his.
I've given thoughts on my things. I suppose it would matter if I last for enough years I move in with them, or earlier than I hope and here. Most of my things won't be of interest to most. But I will figure out something for my pets. What matters to me is my writing, and I'm going to compile a record of all the stories, and my pets. I have no idea about that yet. The house would go to my son, I guess. I would like the writing to be there so maybe my grandkids could read it. It's all on fanfiction.net, but if you don't post stuff to bring up a more recent story, its gets buried. And I would like my son to read some of it.
When I get where I don't want to take care of a house, I plan to move in with my son. He is assuming he'll move as his carrear advances so when he does would be a good time. I don't see bringing many things, but the writing and my personal music and of course the computer.
I have a second bedroom here I've never used. The floor needs painting so that's a priority, as its got to have time for each layer to dry. I'll do it in thirds. I'll sort again then, but am not at the moment as I need to find all of it to decide.
Sometimes I'd like to just set a date as I wouldn't mind not being so alone, but then I am completely at home living alone, and do not want to be absorbed into a larger family. My dil's family already live with them.
And then, it sounds very tempting too.
Time will tell but at least I'm trying to think about them before it suddenly becomes a non choice.
Yesterday I was called to my dad's bedside where after a couple of hours he took his final breath. This is the second parent I watch pass and it still unnerved me. I sort of went into shock. He had been very sick and was at the mercy of others for everything. He died of prostate cancer at the age of 83. My mother passed away in 2010 of breast cancer at 77.
I know I am not alone in this. I know that some of you have gone through this as well. While I am not looking for hugs or anything like that what I am wondering is if others felt just as shocked even though the death was expected and even wished for. It was very difficult to watch my father suffer and struggle through it. I was praying that he would just be taken and I would not have to be there to watch his face go from a normal skin tone to one of ashen gray. I was there to watch my mother go and I was just as unnerved this second time around.
But I was also glad to be there on those days to be there for my parents to pass. I know it was a comfort for them to know I was there. In the case of my dad, my wife was there as well. He really did appreciate that and I believe he showed it by letting go. It was very hard on his wife but..... he is no longer suffering and she no longer has to go through that everyday chore of watching him get worse.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I was in your shoes exactly one month before you. It was similar. She passed of old age, we saw it coming, we ensured that she was properly cared for with dignity at home as she wished, but it was still a shock. I'm still not sleeping properly, shocking myself awake at night as my mind tries to process the new reality. Slowly, I try to replace the shock with memories of her smiling and talking with me at the dining room table as I learn to internalize what she gave to me.
It is a comfort to them to have us there, but I know that as I drove home at the end of each visit I suppressed the sadness I felt as I watched her slip away. I was strong and positive for her, but I wouldn't give myself time to feel the grief. Perhaps that is where you are as well, where you felt the grief for some time, knowing what was happening, but didn't allow it to come to the surface because you needed to be strong for your parent. With the death there's a strange conflict of continuing to suppress the grief but knowing that it is now okay to let it go. If you can, give yourself the time you need to rest and process. I was bombarded with too many things and I'm simply so tired. I'm looking to plan an all inclusive vacation for a couple of weeks where I can lose myself in nature and let someone else take care of everything - but even that is tricky to schedule with work deadlines and projects. It will happen in the next month one way or another.
Be gentle with yourself, and don't be surprised at the supremely stupid things people say. I think this happens when people have good intentions but have no personal experience ... yet.
I was not right there with my father when he passed and I was relieved about that. I don't think I could have handled it. I did get to say my goodbyes and see him for a couple days before, although he was not conscious and was heavily medicated.
My father was within a week of being moved from his 2 month stay in a nursing rehab wing after a heart attack and lots of other medical problems, to a skilled nursing care home, and he never wanted any of that, not ever. Before being moved to a nursing home he got a massive infection, ended up in ICU, and would have needed a feeding tube and weeks of IV antibiotics, and on top of his moderate to severe Dementia, it was an easy decision for my mother and me to instead let him go to the hospice floor. It's what he would have wanted.
What I finally realized that helped me come to terms: understanding this was *his* life and *his* journey and it wasn't about me. He never wanted to be kept alive for the sake of being kept alive, his short term memory was gone, and he was confused and very unhappy in the rehab wing, trying to escape some nights and having to be medicated to calm down. When he passed I sent him a silent virtual 'high five' for getting out of this life and not having to go to a nursing home, I knew for him it was a big win; it was his biggest fear after going through that with his mother.
I was with both of my parents when they passed away. They were the hardest and saddest (scary, too!) times of my life. Sometimes I wonder if I said enough, but I realized they did know I loved them. I considered it to be a gift to be there with them when they left this world.
I was with both of my parents when they passed away. They were the hardest and saddest (scary, too!) times of my life. Sometimes I wonder if I said enough, but I realized they did know I loved them. I considered it to be a gift to be there with them when they left this world.
I was greatful that Mom died so suddenly. There was no time to say good bye, but she knew. She'd had all the family pictures out that day, looking at them. She didn't do that. But she left quick and painlessly.
Dad died in inches, with tumors it took months for them to find, but left it hard for him to breath. The lack of oxygen damaged his brain, and stole all his memories. He would have wanted to go quickly and be with her, not dying in inches.
I'm sure your parents knew you were there, and you could say goodbye. We should not fear death. We should understand that everyone has an expiration date when the body stops and when it comes, its their time. I believe after the spirit rests, we have our next life, carrying the knowledge learned into that life. But first, comes a healing. That next life is not 'me' but the knowlege and wisdom and trauma of this life which did not find any release, so it may be set free. And the best gift we can give those who are gone is to live our lives well and be the best to and for others we can be.
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