How Many Of You Married Your Mother Or Father In Some Ways? (alcohol, divorced)

[Hefe]

Only in hindsight do I realize how close I came to "marrying my mother". My fiancee, who I had known for years & we alternated living at each other's apartments - we shared similar values, tastes, philosophies & on the surface didn't have anything in common with mom, whose public goal in life always seemed to be not to rock the boat & "go along to get along" with the crowd.

But in the rearview mirror I've come to realize that both communicated primarily in criticism, being judgemental & constantly expressing negativity as the ever present environment to the ones closest to them. There are apparently so many things wrong about me I needed to be endlessly criticized, nitpicked & scolded, but any compliments, openess or fun can remain buried. I guess it's somewhat like the gal who chooses men who beat her because her dad beat her & that's simply the environment of her only known home environment.

I was able to walk away from that ltr & dodge that bullet/marriage in time but I should've gotten therapy decades ago to earlier realize the source of my, & both of my brothers', lack of success in LTRs, at least I see it now.

[in_newengland]

My first and second husbands were nothing like my father. In fact, with my second husband, I warned him that my dad might give him a hard time. But my dad got along with both of them, not much in common, but they got along.

However, after two painful divorces to quiet,nice guy types, I married "my dad." The only thing lacking is that my dad was kind of critical and dh is not. But if only they could have known each other! Both love golf, both love the outdoors and nature in general, both are interested in travel and curious about the world, both are very extroverted yet are homebodies at the same time, both have the same sense of humor--and it's a great sense of humor! --and they even say the same things. Sometimes I say to him, "Are you sure you're not my dad?"

I always knew I had to marry a man from the north of England. That's what made all the difference. My dad was just barely born in this country, being the youngest child. Until the internet came along there wasn't much chance to even meet a man from England so I didn't meet the right person until late in life.

My grandparents, aunts and uncles were English, from Yorkshire. We ate English food, we did things that were English, but I didn't realize it at the time. I grew up on Robinson Crusoe and his man Friday and Robin Hood and his band of merry men (although on my American side, I also had the Bobbsey Twins.)

I think one of the best parts is that this guy has the exact same food preferences as I do. At last. Someone who makes perfect shepherd's pie, mincemeat tarts, loves fish and chips, enjoys a Sunday roast, especially roast lamb with mint sauce (if we can ever afford it), appreciates Yorkshire Pudding, drinks tea, and eats all kinds of weird things that my dad ate but I don't. (like steak and kidney pie or blood pudding.) We hate the same foods too!

Food and culture REALLY matter. And just the simple mannerisms and every day expressions. I used to wonder why other men didn't "get" the things I do that I think are sort of cute. It was all cultural.

[PNW-type-gal]

The funny thing is that both my husband and his sister married the same type of person (ie: my brother-in-law and I are a lot alike) and we are, pretty much, very NOT like either of their parents.

[fluffythewondercat]

I wonder if at this point we're indulging in a little too much navel-gazing.


Future thread titles:


Did You (Metaphorically) Marry Your Kindergarten Teacher?

Which One of Your Pets Do You Resemble Most?

If You Could Be A Tree, What Kind of Tree Would You Be?

[nobodysbusiness]

People are too multifaceted and complex to be reproduced into concepts of being "the same." Temperaments might be similar - some people are easy-going, some are high-strung - some are mean and abusive, some are kind . . . some yell, some are soft-spoken, but they are all completely different.

[Lodestar]

My husband has played the father role all his life. In his home he was Dad #2. Even in grade school and high school plays he would be chosen for the father. In his adult life he has been chosen as the foreman of juries and has been in a supervisory role in all his jobs.

People seem to sense that he has qualities of leadership and fairness. At the time I married him I was looking for a partner to help me find my way and he was a good choice.

I've spent the rest of our very long marriage assuring him he doesn't have to lead me anymore. Hah.

But I've often said he is the rock to my kite. We're a good match that way.

[newcomputer]

me. I grew up loving a man who didn't like me. It was my model for future relationships. It didn't bother me because I only realized it in hindsight, and the men I married had, like my father, many fine qualities.

[Over the hill gang]

How Many Of You Married Your Mother Or Father In Some Ways?

My husband is nothing like either of my parents.

[SunGrins]

OMG...just the thought is creepy.
Some of our characteristics were the same (married late, small family, super stable relationship) but not on the personal level. My mom was a strong opinioned socialist (small 's') from the depression era. My wife was equally committed to fairness and some other values but more by example than by word. Both succeeded at being good parents.

[Lodestar]

Originally Posted by SunGrins

OMG...just the thought is creepy.

It is, isn't it?

What's even creepier is sometimes everyone can see it but the person who did it!