Aged neighbor insists on independence but needs assistance.....

[Pitt Chick]

Originally Posted by MI-Roger

We cut it other times for free. We do 100% of her snowshovelling and de-iceing during Winter months, and nearly all of her lawn raking in Fall for no charge. We also hand deliver her mail to her each day.

Why do you take so much upon yourself?
Did she ever ask you to?

[old fed]

Originally Posted by TMSRetired

The OP ranted on the son but also said the mother "insists on being independent".

I wouldn't be putting too much blame on the son.

Who has not dealt with a stubborn person that refuses to downsize for obvious reasons being their age and abilities ?

She has no reason to downsize since the OP is doing all the heavy work for free.

insisting on being independent and actually being so seem to be different things.

my mom was the same, insisting on 'being independent' which actually meant someone to remove snow, mow the lawn, take her grocery shopping, etc. she refused to hire out for these tasks.

independence seemed to mean living in her own home rather than a senior high-rise. it had little to do with accomplishing what needed to be done around the house.

[Williepaws]

Originally Posted by old fed

insisting on being independent and actually being so seem to be different things.

my mom was the same, insisting on 'being independent' which actually meant someone to remove snow, mow the lawn, take her grocery shopping, etc. she refused to hire out for these tasks.

independence seemed to mean living in her own home rather than a senior high-rise. it had little to do with accomplishing what needed to be done around the house.

lots of younger people who hire others to plow, mow grass, clean their house, have groceries delivered, take care of their children, walk the dog, etc etc. So Im not sure what being "independent" means anymore.

[TMSRetired]

Originally Posted by Williepaws

lots of younger people who hire others to plow, mow grass, clean their house, have groceries delivered, take care of their children, walk the dog, etc etc. So Im not sure what being "independent" means anymore.

But they are still physically able to do all those things whereas the woman in the OP's thread can't.

[Teacher Terry]

Originally Posted by Williepaws

lots of younger people who hire others to plow, mow grass, clean their house, have groceries delivered, take care of their children, walk the dog, etc etc. So Im not sure what being "independent" means anymore.

Unless very high earners that’s why younger people are broke!!

[galaxyhi]

Roger:

It looks like you are taking a LOT of flack for this post.

I'm afraid I'm going to add to it, though I swear to my God and ony mothers grave...I'm not trying to.

First, NONE of us want our independence to go away! We are ALL pigheaded that way.

Second a LOT of people are attached to their house...even when it gets the better of them.
I, personally have never been attached to any building I've ever lived in. My only requirement is single floor living.

Our bungalow/small ranch in NY had its laundry in the basement, with steep but sturdy steps. My father didn't like those stairs, so he gifted me the Christmas present of the cost of relocating the laundry to a vacant unused corner in the kitchen. A new stackable set fit very well.

We sold that house, and I now live in a first floor one floor condo..with a stacked set in a closet area.

IF SHE really wants the laundry moved, SHE can have it done.

Second, I second, third, maybe 15th the motion that there may be more to the "lazy son" aspect. She may be a sweet little old lady to YOU, but she may have been abusive to her son while he was growing up, and you don't know what his life is like away at his home with HIS family or his Employment.

Third, I always love how people assume about inheritances...there may be none, not much, or she may pay him to pass it along. And of course, she may have several millions of dollars she refuses to spend.... because of HER childhood (aka poor, depression, war, etc)

Her son may find it inconvenient to take the time to drive and mow her lawn, and shed have to pay a lawn service anyway, so it may motivate him to take time out of HIS life to attend to mothers lawn.

IF YOU wish to be a good neighbor and VOLUNTEER to do anything you do for her...PLEASE do it willingly...not begrudgingly as it sounds you are doing now, expecting that someone..anyone..or any service or her son should be doing it for her!
(I wish you'd move next to me, the condo assn takes care of what little snow we get if we get any, and the yard work, but I can give you a list of chores this disabled budding senior living with heart failure who uses a cane could have done!)

So, be kind and neighborly, maybe look up any senior benefits/services that may be available for her, print out or collect brochures for her and pass them along. IF she chooses to utilize them, great, if not let it fall where it may.

I'm actually quite surprised at the senior and disabled benefits I can get here in the new area we moved to...almost NONE except a senior Center was available where I moved from in NY.
This was NOT a consideration in moving here, but was very surprised when I found out what all is available AFTER moving here!!!

Best to you, and her.

Just be aware these days YOU may have to protect YOURSELF in helping her out, especially if she doesn't want your help.
Sad, but true!!

Best

[MI-Roger]

Thanks for letting me vent.

● We will continue to remain uninvolved with any of her decisions, leaving that to her family.
● Since she is unable to easily walk across the street to her mailbox, we will continue to deliver her mail to her ehen we collect our own.
● We will continue to help with her yard care, but limiting it to when her son is unable.
● Snow removal is the toughest job. We wish the son would do this occasionally.

Help a neighbor when we can, but continue remaining out of any decision, and not offer opinions.

[Mikala43]

Originally Posted by MI-Roger

Thanks for letting me vent.
● We will remain uninvolved with any of her decisions, leaving that to her family.
● Since she is unable to easily walk across the street to her mailbox, we will continue to deliver her mail to her ehen we collect our own
● We will continue to help with her yard care, but limiting it to when her son is unable.
Snow removal is the toughest job. We wish the son would do this occasionally.
Help a neighbor when we can, but keep out of any dynamics. [/list]

You should just let her know that due to your own age, you won't be able to help her as much. You should say something before changing what you normally do.

[shamrock4]

If snow removal is the most the most difficult task (understandable), maybe you could tell the mother and son this summer that you will no longer be doing that.

That gives them time to get in with a driveway plow company or somebody else if the son is not doing it. Sometimes it’s difficult to get a service like that if they get booked up for the season and you, for some reason, can’t continue. Also gives notice that you cannot continue forever with the yard care.

That’s nice that you bring her the mail. We did the same with the newspaper for neighbors.

[staystill]

At 81 she should be looking into:

Hiring people to help her and stop relying on the son and your generosity. Spend all the money since he clearly doesn't want to help her.

If she has a debilitating illness or chronic illness that is likely to take her life soon or at least at her age then sell the house and buy a condo where an HOA does all the work. You could anonymously send a realtor to her home when lazy son isn't around to prevent her from doing any of this.

Or you could just stay out of it and stop helping her. There might be a chance your Municipality or County has a Senior Services Dept., to help her out. Take in consideration if she falls after you shoveled the front pathway to her car that son just might hold you responsible. Better check up on your liability Insurance if you continue to help her.