Retiring closer to family or not (manufactured, teenagers, twin, hubby)
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We have both lived in the same state our entire lives.For years have talked about moving to a state that we've vacationed in frequently since 1989..Problem is, 4 kids and 4 grandkids are all here, close by, and doesn't look like anyone has the desire to live elsewhere. I love being near them, but it has also brought its problems and has in some ways been very stressful. Right now, we are in the process of buying a very modest home in our favored location. We will then prepare and sell our home that is now way too big for 2 people, and take it from there. We may spend time visiting using our travel trailer, or buy another, very modest place in our home state. DH can retire anytime after march 2013. I have a friend (aged 75) who, along with her husband, sold their home and built another (remodeled pool house) on their daughter's property(nice location, but in the boonies). She is a wonderful and generous person, and devoted herself to the kids and grandkids. Now they're grown, everyone is busy, her DH is failing, and she is isolated. She wishes they had stayed in their original location and developed more of their own life. A lesson for me, as I've been in a similar position for the past 17 years. Time for some distance.
I think/hope there will be other options for people to be cared for - communally or in nursing home settings - not needing family nearby.
I don't live near my mother nor our inlaws (and that's been difficult and will get even more difficult as they begin to fail). And we don't have children. We love our nieces and nephews - but I honestly do not want them nursing me. I would however have no qualms allowing them to manage my affairs.
But for myself- I'd LOVE to go the hotel route with cabana boys/nurses at my beck and call.....and YES, that is cheaper.
But there's going to have to be a change - regardless of whether you have kids or not - on how we take care of the dying - mostly how we make it NOT expensive - because right now it's horrifically expensive.
I've talked in other threads about joining with siblings in a warm weather place and hiring nurses..... I'd do it with my best friends too.
I understand the OP, this is the way it is with me, but its my own kids that are distant.. one is closer but the other ones he seems like he is not my family, but my exhusbands family its like i dont even know my own kid at times.
i guess you can get a computer and get skype if you want to see them face to face. sometimes keeping in touch thru Facebook and Skype can really feel like you are right there with them. And costs less than a plane ticket every year.
I'm moving my apartment to be with my chosen family - my best friend, and other friends that i feel closer to than my own family - sisters, etc.
...But there's going to have to be a change - regardless of whether you have kids or not - on how we take care of the dying - mostly how we make it NOT expensive - because right now it's horrifically expensive...
Dying is relatively cheap (Medicare pays for hospice care). Living is expensive - especially if you're fighting death and trying to prolong your life. Robyn
I seem to have an evolving opinion on this. We moved from PA to SC mostly because of weather but also to be somewhere with more things to do, especially in retirement. Both sets of our parents are gone, hubby has a very small family most of which he never really saw. He has one brother but not super, super close. I was part of a large family, but once both my parents passed it seemed as though I was forgotten by all of them. I have no brothers or sisters. We have one daughter who currently lives in NY state. She is not married, and no children. She is our only one. This is background.
In moving here I was excited and since we are so very close to the Charlotte apt, I thought it was not a big deal. We really only saw her about 4-6 times per year, but at least I knew that only being 6 hours away I could drive up at most anytime. We are sure that she will be moving, probably more than once, for her job or if she gets married, so we weren't going to move closer to her.
Well, it hasn't been all that easy. As mentioned before I no longer get to see any of my aunts, uncles or cousins. Sometimes I feel really alone, even with hubby here. Only saw daughter 3 times this year and that was only because she came down last February for work. Haven't seen her since July and I'm missing her something fierce. Still a little less than 2 weeks to wait! Now to visit I have to plan in advance and either buy a plane ticket or plan for a 2 day drive. I get extremely jealous when I hear about her boyfriend's family seeing her so often. There are days when I wish we had never left, and yet when the snow piles up, I'm glad we did! Anyway, I think that moving away can be good and/or bad. I'm still not sure that if she does get married and have kid whether I will be able to stay away for such long periods. Not sure what is going to happen then.
I seem to have an evolving opinion on this. We moved from PA to SC mostly because of weather but also to be somewhere with more things to do, especially in retirement. Both sets of our parents are gone, hubby has a very small family most of which he never really saw. He has one brother but not super, super close. I was part of a large family, but once both my parents passed it seemed as though I was forgotten by all of them. I have no brothers or sisters. We have one daughter who currently lives in NY state. She is not married, and no children. She is our only one. This is background.
In moving here I was excited and since we are so very close to the Charlotte apt, I thought it was not a big deal. We really only saw her about 4-6 times per year, but at least I knew that only being 6 hours away I could drive up at most anytime. We are sure that she will be moving, probably more than once, for her job or if she gets married, so we weren't going to move closer to her.
Well, it hasn't been all that easy. As mentioned before I no longer get to see any of my aunts, uncles or cousins. Sometimes I feel really alone, even with hubby here. Only saw daughter 3 times this year and that was only because she came down last February for work. Haven't seen her since July and I'm missing her something fierce. Still a little less than 2 weeks to wait! Now to visit I have to plan in advance and either buy a plane ticket or plan for a 2 day drive. I get extremely jealous when I hear about her boyfriend's family seeing her so often. There are days when I wish we had never left, and yet when the snow piles up, I'm glad we did! Anyway, I think that moving away can be good and/or bad. I'm still not sure that if she does get married and have kid whether I will be able to stay away for such long periods. Not sure what is going to happen then.
I think your message is somewhat contradictory. First off - you are retired. Which means you aren't young. And - although you say you have a large family - you have no siblings and only one child. You mention aunts and uncles - but any of those still living have to be pretty old (my husband's and mine are all 90+ or so) - and not into traveling that much. As for cousins - my husband and I have at least 20 between the 2 of us - but none will go more than 30 minutes out of their way if they're passing near where we live - and some won't even come into Manhattan from an outer borough when we're visiting NYC in Manhattan.
Your daughter is another matter. We don't have kids - but my brother has 2 daughters. And they are a close family. Still - my brother in California only sees his daughter in NY perhaps 3-4 times a year. You just have to plan the trips. Search for the cheap airfares - get involved with FF programs - etc. - etc. I assume you can still travel easily from a physical POV. And - if you really get involved in planning your travel in terms of costs - you can probably do it more often. If you give me the places where you and she live - I can take a look at the best airline programs for you. Robyn
For a long, long time I was in the habit of visiting my mother, who lived almost 2000 miles away, once every other year. We didn't get along all that well, although we were not estranged. I could have afforded to fly there more often, but the frequency suited me well. One thing we learn in these kinds of threads is that the closeness in families covers the spectrum from joined-at-the-hip on one extreme to total estrangement on the other extreme.
I have two cousins who are brothers, now in their 50's/60's, who haven't seen each other in person or had any other type of contact for over 15 years. The younger one hates the older one so intensely that he claims if he ever sees his older brother again, he will immediately attack him physically no matter what the circumstances. This same cousin (the younger of the two brothers) hated his father so much that he refused to go see him when he was dying and also refused to attend the memorial service although he lived in the same area - within 50 miles or less. The eldest of those six siblings is a girl, now 67, who is estranged from all but one of her siblings - not by her choice but by theirs. Someone could write a book about that family!
Suzie Orman always says "people first, money second", so I'm trying to keep that thought in mind.
Easy for her to say. She's got enough money to buy whatever she might need to get along with or help or visit people without fear of living in a cardboard box.
I do agree with her on "things" being last.
You know, "people" could mean charities, too... although my charitable world is more four-legged.
I personally think like marriage it depends on the marriage. A good one can't be beat IMO for overall happy life. Family if good can be all the more supportive and make life happier. Some people for whatever reason can not fit with marriage and others not with family.
Well, a surprising turn of events in my family. The sister who was going to move more South from here to be near her twin (they are 61) is not going to do so, because the southerly sister is now moving back here. I never believed this would happen. I wonder how the dynamic between us three will change if at all. I imagine they will become closer to each other so that the sister who is here will not depend on me so much. I'll be tied up with the new grandkids so maybe this is good timing. I also think it will be fun to grow old together, we balance each other in personality but on the other hand have way different interests. One is an incurable shopaholic, and I won't be drawn into that. The other is an avid reader, and she will be a good role model for me in that respect. We will probably have our share of squabbles as we did growing up, but we are prone to laugh a lot and sometimes not make it to the nearest....restroom.
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its like i dont even know my own kid at times.
Frequency of visits with family
I never believed this would happen. I wonder how the dynamic between us three will change if at all. I imagine they will become closer to each other so that the sister who is here will not depend on me so much. I'll be tied up with the new grandkids so maybe this is good timing. I also think it will be fun to grow old together, we balance each other in personality but on the other hand have way different interests. One is an incurable shopaholic, and I won't be drawn into that. The other is an avid reader, and she will be a good role model for me in that respect. We will probably have our share of squabbles as we did growing up, but we are prone to laugh a lot and sometimes not make it to the nearest....restroom. 
