Daily Joke Thread (telephone, dogs, village)

[RGJ]

Teacher: Billy, stop making ugly faces at other students!
Billy: Why?
Teacher: Well, when I was your age, I was told that if i kept making ugly faces, my face would stay that way.
Billy: I can see you didn't listen.

[mkfarnam]

Potatoes



Well,
A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other,

And finally they got married, and had a little sweet
Potato, which they
Called
'Yam.'

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.


When it was time, they told her about the facts
Of life.

They warned her about going
Out and getting
Half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and
Get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and
End up with a bunch of tater tots

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get
Her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!


But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.

She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her shoestring cousins.

When she went off to
Europe , Mr. And Mrs. Potato told Yam
To watch out
For the hard-boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France called the French fries. And
When she went out West, to
Watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped..


Yam said she would stay on the straight and
Narrow and wouldn't associate with
Those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all
The trucks that say,
'Frito Lay.'

Mr. And
Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's
Potato University ) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.

But in spite of all they did for
Her, one-day Yam came home
And announced she was
Going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw!


Mr. And
Mrs.
Potato were very upset.


They told Yam she couldn't
Possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just.......

Are you
Ready for this?



Are
You sure?

*

*


OK!
Here it is!

*

*
*


*



A
COMMONTATER

[rd2007]

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of **** lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together, it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ... but Dad always had those piece of crap chargers made by International, or whoever, that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas. 'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a looping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.

Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God, please die .... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remain s there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot. So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.
2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4 - My left eye will not open.
5 - My right eye will not close.
6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow. The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

[HillCountryHotRodMan]

Originally Posted by rd2007

Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

LOL I think I just wet myself.

Update:
Oh, I just read #7 - I definitely wet myself.

[elnina]

^^^ Then you should depend on "Depends"

[mkfarnam]

Call me, I've been a Small Engine Repair Mechanic for 22 years.

A video of a burglar going though this shock treament would be better
than Saturday Night Live.

[RodLu]

[elnina]

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

[temptation001]

You guys were on fire these last 2 days. Sorry I had no reps to offer yet.

[Kings Ranger]

A middle-aged frog named Kirmet Mick Jagger walks into a bank one day and begins speaking to bank teller Patty Wack.

He says "I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a vacation to the Bahamas.

Patty says, "Okay, but we'll need collateral in case you can't pay-back the loan"

Kirmet pulls out a little pink elephant from his pocket and offers her it
"will this work?"

She says let me go ask my manager

Hey manager, this frog Kirmet Mick Jagger wants to get a loan, and use this as collateral...first of all what is it?

The Manager replies


"It's a knick knack, Patty Wack, give the frog-a-loan
his old man's a rolling stone