Daily Joke Thread (mover, homeowner, ticket)

[elnina]

Great Story Of Life's Transitions

A group of 40 year old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gasthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitresses there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.

Ten years later, at 50 years of age, the group discusses once again where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gasthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

Ten years later, at 60 years of age, the group discusses once again where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gasthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet, and the restaurant is smoke free.

Ten years later, at 70 years of age, the group discusses once again where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gasthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

Ten years later, at 80 years of age, the group discusses where they should meet. Finally it is agreedthat they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because it would be a great idea since they have never been there before.

[elnina]

Let's offend everybody

Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.

Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar..

Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong.

Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment.

Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek ?
A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.

Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.

Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'

Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???
A. A northern fairytale begins...'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins.... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh*t.'

Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States.

[ChiccaTX]

How come when you mix water
and flour together


you get glue?.


and then you add eggs
and sugar...


and you get cake?





Where did the glue go ?





NEED AN ANSWER?



You know darned well where it went!


That's what makes the cake


Stick to your ass!




We all need a good laugh, keep on smiling.

[ChiccaTX]

Originally Posted by elnina

Let's offend everybody

Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.

Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar..

Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong.

Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment.

Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek ?
A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.

Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.

Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'

Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???
A. A northern fairytale begins...'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins.... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh*t.'

Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States.

I'm still laughing

[mkfarnam]

Originally Posted by elnina

Let's offend everybody

Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.

Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar..

Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong.

Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment.

Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek ?
A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.

Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.

Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'

Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???
A. A northern fairytale begins...'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins.... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh*t.'

Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States.

Good joke equally offensive

[ChiccaTX]

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed Listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this". She goes downstairs.





The blonde finally comes back up to bed And her husband says "The dog is still barking, What have you been doing?"







The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!

[mkfarnam]

Did YOU Know This About Leather Dresses?
Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress
a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry,
he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally?


Ever wonder why?








It's because she smells
like a new Truck!!!

[mkfarnam]

Two guys, one old timer and one young , are pushing their carts around Lowe's Building Supply when they collide.


The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.


'The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too.. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'


The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?'


The young guy says, 'Well, she's 24 yrs old, tall, with long blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?'


The old timer says.... . 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for Yours.'


Old timers are helpful like that.

[elnina]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20
jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

[ChiccaTX]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.

The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.

I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word. Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.


She'll read it very slowly....


'com-for-da-bul.'