Rude bride or rude guest? (daughter, invite, money, invitation)
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I have a question about wedding gifts not being "required." Honestly, how many of you who are insisting that gifts aren't required would actually go to a wedding and not give a gift? How many of you wouldn't give it a second thought if one of your guests didn't give a gift? Honestly.
I think it is really tacky to show up and not give a gift. I say that as a one-time bride, and as a many-time wedding guest. I would never ever not give a gift.
ETA it has nothing to do with the fact that there is an expensive reception. It is because it is just what you do. You don't go to a b-day party w/o a gift, and you don't go to a wedding w/o a gift.
ETA again, in this particular situation, I think the gift basket shows more thought, time, and effort than someone writing a check, no matter what the amount.
I don't get it either, because my mom has always told me you always show up with something, whether it's a birthday party or a picnic or anything. When I was invited to birthdays for example I brought a gift or money and a dinner I usually bring a bottle of wine. For a housewarming I like to give plants. A few years ago though I had a birthday party and several of my guests showed up with nothing. I was hurt to say the least that they didn't even get me something small. A broke friend had little money and he managed to get me something (and also made me a gift which was sweet)but yet getting nothing was hurtful.
It's sort of a little dance that the host and the guest do. If you invite someone to something, be that a wedding or a dinner party, you're inviting them because you want the pleasure of their company for the event. You're not inviting them because you expect a gift, let alone a gift that will cover the cost of their portion of your party expenses. The guest also realizes that it's polite to show their appreciation in the invitation by bringing a gift, usually with the understanding that they will be as generous as they feel is appropriate.
It's sort of a little dance that the host and the guest do. If you invite someone to something, be that a wedding or a dinner party, you're inviting them because you want the pleasure of their company for the event. You're not inviting them because you expect a gift, let alone a gift that will cover the cost of their portion of your party expenses. The guest also realizes that it's polite to show their appreciation in the invitation by bringing a gift, usually with the understanding that they will be as generous as they feel is appropriate.
That's a great way to describe it.
I think most people are saying a gift isn't "required" because of the rudeness to think that you can make demands about what someone gives you. Technically no one has to buy you anything, but I don't think that really happens that often.
I think the brides were rude.
For my wedding, most people that gave us gifts gave cash, gifts off our registry or gift cards to places we were registered. Some people did not give gifts, most of which were in my wedding party, including my SIL & her husband. While I would never say anything to any of them because I know people are not obligated to give me a gift, I did think it was a little rude of them. Especially since, it was mostly the groomsmen. Two of them, including the best man, did a lot, and took my husband on a great bachelor party, so I was fine if they didn't give anything, but the best man still gave a gift. It was wonderful tour book of Europe since that's where we were going on our honeymoon. It was small but incredibly thoughtful. The others were my brother (he's sixteen and did so much there was no way to expect anything else from him--plus he's kind of included with my parents gift), my best friend from hs Jason, who I knew had no money, I paid for his tux bc I wanted him to be a part of our day. I expected nothing from him. My husbands best friend from hs not only was obnoxiously drunk during the rehearsal dinner, and the wedding but he threw fits about not being the best man. He was awful, got us nothing and made my husband wish he had never met him. Pretty sad after so many years.
The most disappointing was my SIL's husband. Him and my SIL got us nothing and he had the audacity to complain about the cost of the tux (we got a great discount on it), the cost of his son's outfit (my MIL paid for it) and his wife's dress ($50), and he complained about her having to spend money on my bachelorette weekend. One, they could have said no to being in the wedding, two, she didn't have to attend or spend as much as she did (she kept trying to one up the maid of honor in spending--weird). My bridesmaids all gave gifts, were gracious and wonderful.
I always give a gift, whether I'm attending a wedding or not. The couple invited me to be a part of their day and I want to honor them with a gift. I recently got an invitation to a wedding I really wanted to attend but it is on the same day as my best friend's baby shower. I declined the invitation but still sent them a check.
Maybe I'm weird but in every wedding I've been in and every wedding I've attended, I've always given a gift. I understand it is not a requirement, but I enjoy giving gifts.
I did receive a few gifts off the registry, but I just sent a thank you note. Never would I do as the brides did, even if I was severely allergic to the gift. My mother always taught me to say thank you, whether you like the gift or not.
Recently asked a couple (engaged)what their color scheme was in their home. I was thinking of purchasing a custom made quilt for their home for a wedding gift. I wanted it to be a surprise so I did not say what I was doing. Their response. “Thanks for thinking of us, but we don,t need any decorations.” I was taken aback and a little stunned by this response. Maybe I might get them WaALMeRT card and tell them go get what ever floats yer boat! But of course that would be rude back.
I wonder if the "rules" or customs are different depending on where you are? I'm in the South. We got a lot of single items from our china. Dinner plate here, salad plate there. Occasionally a bowl. I was fine with that. 28 years later, we still use that china every day! (My fine china hasn't been used in several years, but I'm hanging on to it!)
I used to sell Tupperware. I gave a lot of Tupperware as gifts.... mostly the bigger items like cake takers, or a mixing bowl with measuring cups/spoons. The brides always expressed their thanks for the gift. I hate to think I was out of line!
I have a friend in NY who was horrified that I gave gifts. He said, "No, you're supposed to give money!" I got money too, but the majority of our guests gave gifts. (Not all of them were from our registry. I got a really odd looking ceramic mushroom toothbrush holder. I thanked the giver, but never used it. I think it's still in my attic. I figured we'd get a giggle out of it later on down the road. lol)
it is true in NY most people give money, but still, gifts are not requirement ever. I say, give what you can afford, but give something. People should just be appreciative of what they get. A wedding is about spending the day with your closest friends and family & not about the gifts.
I will say it is tacky to show up empty-handed, but if you can't afford money, give a nice gift ... or just a small amount $$. Give SOMETHING.
I personally would have loved a gift basket of food like those brides got ...
I pretty much have everything I need, including tools and stepladders. If I registered, it'd be a transparent gift grab. I don't think it's usually appropriate to register for a second wedding anyway. You had your bite of the apple already!
I am on my second marriage (july) ... we didn't register. We want cash. Whatever we get is fine, we just want people to come and have a fun time with us ... gifts would be a bonus, but it's not a requirement nor do we expect it (as we have both been married before, I don't expect people who gave me the first time to give again).
I personally would not ever show up to a wedding empty-handed though
I am on my second marriage (july) ... we didn't register. We want cash. Whatever we get is fine, we just want people to come and have a fun time with us ... gifts would be a bonus, but it's not a requirement nor do we expect it (as we have both been married before, I don't expect people who gave me the first time to give again).
I personally would not ever show up to a wedding empty-handed though
"If I am giving you $400 I expect a party"---
You know that people can see all of your posts, right? So why try to play innocent here? That thread is just one or two up from this one.
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