The Un-Wedding Wedding (message, dresses, planning, wife)
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We are getting married in late spring and its basically driving our families insane.
We are both in our 30s and extreme introverts who do not like being the center of attention. Neither of us really wanted a wedding, but my fiancee comes from a culture where not having some kind of celebration is akin to blasphemy, so we relented. We are only inviting siblings and parents to the ceremony (courthouse) and then everyone is meeting at our home for entertainment (chamber quartet) and a champagne toast. After an hour or two of that we are walking a block and a half to a local raw bar for an extended cocktail hour with oysters on the half shell and a variety of finger foods. Total guest list is about 40 people.
We will have:
No photographer (can't stand the fakey wedding photos that all look the same)
No throwing of the bouquet
No smashing cake in people's faces
No speechifying
No bridal party
No first dance with the DJ announcing people
No garter toss
No bridal shower
No bachelor/bachelorette party
No gifts
No help from family to pay for this
We are happy with those choices and think it will be a nice affair.
Sadly others are not happy. Our families are driving us insane. They want to re-do the entire thing and make it more traditional. They are trying to argue us out of not having a photo session, not doing a bouquet toss, even wanting us to change the ceremony and have it somewhere they can all attend.
As we are not getting any financial help with this nor asking for gifts, we are sticking to our guns. Even friends are trying to throw me a bridal shower and I want no part of it. Any advice on how to approach these well meaning guests when they make rather insistent comments/demands about how we are doing things? They always have the option of not attending...
garter toss & bouquet toss are very tacky, IMO.
This sounds like a fun affair... well the bar part anyway
I don't think it's a big deal, but apparently the OP does. In truth, if my daughter who got married in June was opposed to a photographer to document the day, I would have been very sad. Just yesterday I looked back through them and they are such a great reminder of that fabulous June day. But, I would have accepted her decision of no photos since it was her day and not mine. She and the groom had a vision of the day they wanted and I felt it was my job to support their decisions.
I guess I just don't get the kind of people who when invited to an event respond with complaints about said event instead of just declining the invite. While I do understand wedding are more of a flashpoint than any other event, it's still the prerogative of the bride and groom to decide what they do and don't want and people should just say "Thank you so much for including me" and then keep their lips zipped.
I'm not big on big-to-dos around me either but I could not imagine not having any pictures of my wedding day.
As a guest no but that doesn't mean I wouldn't take pics with my phone... you can't really avoid pics unfortunately sometimes.
Exactly. As a guest you can take all the photos you want of the other guests, great aunt Birgit or whoever you want. But we aren't doing any posing, selfies or obliging anyone with an IPhone.
You can hire a photographer who will take the types of pictures you want. That's part of the process: Check out different photographers to see who does the kind of work you hate, and don't hire them. Find one who will respect your wishes.
I personally think it's short-sighted to have NO photos of what is supposed to be a special day.
Having said all that, what strikes me is how, while claiming to not want to be the center of attention, your vehement refusal to consider that anyone else might have an interest in this event puts ALL the attention (and control) right on you. In trying so hard to make it "no big deal," you have managed to make it a very big deal.
If you REALLY are opposed to a wedding of ANY kind, you should elope. The reality is that a wedding joins two families, and families tend to want to celebrate WITH you. It's really NOT all about you.
There are ways to make a ceremony individual and personal without coming off like you're being a brat about it.
We’ve been married 38 years, and he’s never looked at the wedding photos since right after the album was done. I looked at them a couple of times, then a few more when people wanted to see them, then 25 years later, when I went to dig out a photo of my adorable nephew for his wedding.
I was kind of over it after a couple of years.
Thankfully, we didn’t spend money on a photographer, my brother in law did it.
OP, stick to your guns. If those people don’t come, their loss.
Exactly. As a guest you can take all the photos you want of the other guests, great aunt Birgit or whoever you want. But we aren't doing any posing, selfies or obliging anyone with an IPhone.
I mean, I wouldn't mind as a guest if they had a photographer or not but I would definitely think it was weird. It's a huge day in your lives... why would you not want pics of it?
I was married once when I was quite young and I did not hire a photographer. I had a small wedding at a destination we enjoyed with 14 guests. There was a wedding chapel that offered a package with pics, cake, music, etc. We got a violinist and passed on the photographer.
I am with you OP. I really dislike weddings as a rule. At ours, we had guests send us pictures they took. There was one nice one. That was the wedding photo. I don't know these people who are constantly revisiting their wedding photos. Our marriage didn't last and even gladder was I that I had not gone to heroic efforts to preserve every moment of it. (People don't get that half of marriages end in divorce too...)
My current partner and I have had two children together and sadly one of them passed away at 8. We took a ton of photos of her but to be honest, we don't revisit them often. Its painful. We have debated getting married and if we did, we would probably do something very similar to yours. But people kinda suck and a wedding brings out all the entitlement issues of the guests. We have difficult and far flung family so its just a hassle to even being to plan.
I really wish the wedding industry in the US would implode. I hate everything about the tacky, cheesy, conspicuous consumption "average" $27K wedding. (Again, half of marriages end in divorce). Its refreshing to hear that there are a few voices of reason out there and grown women who don't want to play in a big dress and get presents. Marriage is hard and its not about how you began. Its about what you go through together after the "big day."
Best of luck, OP. I raise a glass to your choices.
Maybe if you stopped looking at them as "guests who are being b****y" and more as "family members who don't want us to regret anything in 20 years," it might make more sense. These are people who truly cannot understand your desire to have an UNwedding; they just can't wrap their heads around it. So they assume that one day you will regret not having pics or not having the "normal" stuff that the Bridal Industrial Complex tells you to have. So they're trying to save you from yourselves.
I dunno, just trying to be helpful.
Maybe if you stopped looking at them as "guests who are being b****y" and more as "family members who don't want us to regret anything in 20 years," it might make more sense. These are people who truly cannot understand your desire to have an UNwedding; they just can't wrap their heads around it. So they assume that one day you will regret not having pics or not having the "normal" stuff that the Bridal Industrial Complex tells you to have. So they're trying to save you from yourselves.
I dunno, just trying to be helpful.
Good point. My husband recently passed away, and while I have wonderful memories, I really, really wish that I had more photographs of our special times together (and every day times together).
Last edited by germaine2626; 02-15-2018 at 09:46 AM..
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