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In my office, which is pretty small (25 or so), we are part of a much larger organization (500+).
For someone to not do any small-talk or share ANY personal information, it would make them stand out in a negative way.
I find that the best way to handle this issue is to do what others have suggested:
1. Ask people about themselves. You actually get perceived as a likeable/nice person if other people feel you are interested in them, even if you don't share much about yourself.
2. Even better, remember what others share, and then occasionally ask the follow-up question. If someone shares that their MIL has cancer, maybe check in a few weeks later when you're with this co-worker and ask how the cancer situation is going.
3. Share personal but not intimate information about yourself. Funny anecdotes, comments about current events, etc. This can give others a sense of your personality without allowing them to know things that you may feel you want to keep more private.
This is the kind of crap that just burns me up. I am hired to WORK! I am NOT hired to sit through some ridiculous baby shower for some person I don't even know that well. WTF is that?! If they want to have a fricken baby shower, do it on their OWN time AWAY from work, HOW DARE anyone FORCE that on to someone. That is beyond rude. I don't care for baby showers, I don't care to sit through some b.s. party with women gloating over kids, (kids are funny but I have NO desire to sit and talk about them all fricken day long), nor do I care to hear any birthing stories NOR do I care to play the, "guess what's in this diaper" game.
I am there to WORK! What part of that do some airheads NOT comprehend?!
Then don't sit through the baby shower. Don't sit through the birthday cake. But at least be civilized and wish the person congratulations and then go back to work. Small courtesies can go a long way in the workplace.
Then don't sit through the baby shower. Don't sit through the birthday cake. But at least be civilized and wish the person congratulations and then go back to work. Small courtesies can go a long way in the workplace.
That's fine but you said they would be "odd". I don't find it "odd" that I, nor many others out there, have no desire whatsoever to participate in some baby shower or anything of the sort.
You did not GIVE the option of just allowing the person to say, "Happy Birthday" or "Congratulations", you said it would be "odd" if they didn't gather around a sliced cake or attend a baby shower.
I go through that all the time. I don't go to work to socialize; I go there to do my job. Yes, I am cordial with everyone, but I wasn't hired to keep my co-workers entertained.
When people ask "Why are you so quiet?", say "Gee, that's funny, I was about to ask you why you talk so much!"
Quote:
Originally Posted by mangomadness
I agree with this.
It's hard for me to stay to myself in my new job since our office is pretty small and it's easy to hear everyone's conversations. On the one hand, I have quite a bit in which I can relate to my co-workers. They hang out every Friday after work and I went for the first time this past Friday and it was a good time. On the other hand, I know how co-workers can use information against you, so I am sure to keep conversations light and let them talk more than I do.
At the same time, there is one guy at my office who rarely says much. He says hello and is friendly. He and I speak and I like his soft-spoken nature. I only just learned that we both had the same kind of dog. He isn't any less respected or considered an outcast. People seem to respect him for who he is.
Guess it comes down a person's work environment and the co-workers there.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cleasach
To me it depends on the context of being "unsocial." If you work in an office with, let's say 10 other people and you say hello in the morning and occasionally chat, but refuse to make an appearance when everyone gathers to have birthday cake with a co-worker, or to have a baby shower for someone in the office, then that will be looked upon as odd. The reason for not showing up: "I have better things to do, this is a work environment..." etc. are silly since most managers attend these types of events. That type of refusal to socialize will likely achieve the opposite effect that the person is looking for, i.e., you won't be viewed as a dedicated, hard worker but more someone who is a stick in the mud or the office downer. It never killed anyone to pop in and say happy birthday or whatever for a minute or two and then go back to their desk if they have stuff to do or don't really want to stick around.
If it's a matter of a bunch of people spending every Tuesday morning talking for a half an hour about last night's sitcom antics, then it's perfectly reasonable to not participate if you have no interest in the conversation. If asked, a simple "I don't watch that program," will clearly demonstrate why you don't enter those conversations. Looking down with disdain on other people's conversation material is what usually turns people off to co-workers, not their non-participation in chats or quiet nature.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Yellow Jacket
Actually I can because I wasn't always the boss and even then I am still not entirely isolated from my subordinates. I notice things. I notice that certain people just don't talk to the others (they have been working with the company for years). They aren't ridiculed. It's is what it is. I don't know what it is about you that wants them to be ridiculed or why you think it's wrong for someone to not talk to others. They are there to work not to make friends.
Exactly. I don't see the point in letting people know TOO much about you in the workplace because I learned my lesson. People will use anything you say against YOU and then get YOU fired or written up. I much rather be paranoid and keep my eyes and ears open and my mouth shut more when I'm around the workplace because people will have you set up QUICK.
I'm tired of people like myself who are just more observant and don't like to run our mouths are always assumed to be "unfriendly" when I always greet people and speak to them accordingly. I have never been a chatty Kathy and there's not much that's going to change that anytime soon. You are either a social butterfly or you're not. *shrugs* I'm mostly a one on one person or I even prefer speaking in front of people, but now when it comes to groups...then I don't know...lol
Because when you spend 8 hours at a place five days a week, not talking to anyone makes you look like
1. You are not happy working there
2. You don't like the people you work with
3. Not normal/Oddball
...or maybe those people are just mostly about their business? You get far in this world when you stay focused on the prize and remain observant. I speak when I need to or if the conversation interests me, but usually it doesn't. Most of what people want to talk about around this place are kids, husbands/boyfriends, and church. NONE of that interests me at all.
What drives me nuts, and I don't want people to take this the wrong way (as it can be easily misunderstood) but I'm the person who can tell a funny story, make other people laugh, but I'm also well read and can teach people in an animated way about the things I have learned about over the years. How many people do you know that have spent any time studying history in their own time? Probably not many, Americans remain fairly insular. And that perfectly describes the people I work with, insular and only wishing to discuss the private lives of our co workers. They engage in trite, meaningless gossip all day long. I would love to discuss current events, topics of importance like the economy, politics, world events, etc., but they know nothing of these things. I honestly have nothing in common with any of these people, and the only reason I stay in this job is because I've been with this employer for 18 years, and the pay is really good for the position I'm in.
My problem is the workgroup takes breaks (15 min.) twice a day at the same time, and the break usually has discussion revolving around nonsense gossip, questions about people we work with, speculating about other people, etc., etc. As
much as I would love to be far from these people for those 30 minutes a day, I really have no where else to go during these break times, and whenever I'm gone I'm always reminded I was not there, and asked "where were you for break?"
So I grudgingly spend 30 minutes a day speaking, and listening, to people I would be quite content to not even speak a word to all day. They are nice people, most of them, but I would just as soon read something or surf the net than listen to their gossip, and be expected to take part in it. I dont. Nor do I reveal my personal life to these people. I'm not close to them, and don't want to be. But I have to be on good terms with all of them, because of the job itself, which is not great but pays well. Being alienated from the group would lessen my chances of someday finding a better job with company, as well as make the often tedious and monotonous work day far worse than it already sometimes is.
It's like groundhog day every day, I have to be around people I would never spend time with outside of work. I have vowed to interview for a new position with the company in 2013, as I have been in this position for 12 years, am comfortable there, but my co workers are vapid, uninformed, and uninteresting (to me). It basically boils down to me having nothing in common with them. Otherwise they really are nice guys.
I know I'm not the only one with this problem, but if I could not speak a word all day, I probably would. Instead I have to fake interest in these people and it really is not easy, and has become more and more of a challenge. I would love to hear anyones advice on how to like these people more. Sometimes I believe the problem is not them, it is me. And it probably is. Thanks for allowing me to vent and taking the time to read this. Much appreciated.
Well, who knows if you still have me on ignore but yes, a lot of us go through this. It seems these days, working hard and being cordial is not what is wanted. What they want are Chatty Cathy dolls who hang around back stabbing and gossiping all day long.
Some will mistake what you are saying and think that you are not being sociable at all. Because they just can't see what you are saying.
You are being social, but you have to remember, people only care about themselves and what they want to hear. If it isn't about them, (and these types of people LOVE to talk about themselves...they will do it all day long if you let them), then it darn well better be about someone else and it better be trash.
Talk about yourself? Whatever for?! They don't want to hear about you! (General you, not personal you). Why aren't you allowing them to talk about...THEM!
Running joke line I used to have: "Ah well, enough about me, let's talk about me..." Some people were so dumb, they didn't get it.
Here's how you get along without having to say much of anything: Find out something about them, (it's not hard, they blab forever, you can find out a lot), ask them a question about it. Make sure it's not a "yes" or "no" type question, make sure it's something they will have to explain, or tell a story about, or that will set them off on a rant of epic proportions.
Now, just tune them out. Periodically you could look over and make eye contact...based on their expression, you will either say, "uh huh...and then what?" or, "go on" or, "OMG! Are you serious!? WHAT?!" (This last one is GREAT to keep them going at least another 10 minutes. In this 10 minutes, you tune them out again and continue on with your work.)
Guess what? They will think you are the most interesting person there. Why? Because they spent their entire shift talking about themselves as a result of YOU being there. It's some psychological thing...play it.
It just amazes me how some people think you are "anti-social" or "have an attitude" because you're mostly there to work. Don't get me wrong, if somebody talks about something that greatly interests me, I can run my mouth with the best of them. People like me appear to be quiet because people in the workplace usually talk about things that don't apply to me at all. So usually I'm just sitting there smiling and acting like I care about what their kids/husband/boyfriend/church is doing. That's all people here in this small town go on and on about. BLEH.
Then it's VERY awkward to interject yourself into other people's discussion otherwise people look at you odd.
You are darned if you do, darned if don't. *shrugs*
That's fine but you said they would be "odd". I don't find it "odd" that I, nor many others out there, have no desire whatsoever to participate in some baby shower or anything of the sort.
You did not GIVE the option of just allowing the person to say, "Happy Birthday" or "Congratulations", you said it would be "odd" if they didn't gather around a sliced cake or attend a baby shower.
Don't back peddle now.
I said it shouldn't be a big deal to make an appearance: i.e,. pop in and wish the person well and then be on their way. I don't participate in baby showers or birthday celebrations either and have no interest in doing so. I do pop in to say happy birthday or congratulations and then go on my way because it's a courtesy to do so. If you have no interest in doing that, then fine but understand that people might raise an eyebrow at that especially if the person's absence is coupled with "I'm here to work, not socialize with you people" type comments. That's just the way it is. If it's not a big deal, then who cares if people raise an eyebrow or think it's wrong not to go? You think it's wrong to do this on work time. In the same way that you cannot understand the things others do, they can't understand what you do. Nothing wrong with that. You sound annoyed that people would think there's something wrong with you for not attending a birthday cake celebration in the office, yet you find something wrong with the people who do attend those things.
People have to do what they are comfortable with at work and deal with the ramifications that follow.
What drives me nuts, and I don't want people to take this the wrong way (as it can be easily misunderstood) but I'm the person who can tell a funny story, make other people laugh, but I'm also well read and can teach people in an animated way about the things I have learned about over the years. How many people do you know that have spent any time studying history in their own time? Probably not many, Americans remain fairly insular. And that perfectly describes the people I work with, insular and only wishing to discuss the private lives of our co workers. They engage in trite, meaningless gossip all day long. I would love to discuss current events, topics of importance like the economy, politics, world events, etc., but they know nothing of these things. I honestly have nothing in common with any of these people, and the only reason I stay in this job is because I've been with this employer for 18 years, and the pay is really good for the position I'm in.
My problem is the workgroup takes breaks (15 min.) twice a day at the same time, and the break usually has discussion revolving around nonsense gossip, questions about people we work with, speculating about other people, etc., etc. As
much as I would love to be far from these people for those 30 minutes a day, I really have no where else to go during these break times, and whenever I'm gone I'm always reminded I was not there, and asked "where were you for break?"
So I grudgingly spend 30 minutes a day speaking, and listening, to people I would be quite content to not even speak a word to all day. They are nice people, most of them, but I would just as soon read something or surf the net than listen to their gossip, and be expected to take part in it. I dont. Nor do I reveal my personal life to these people. I'm not close to them, and don't want to be. But I have to be on good terms with all of them, because of the job itself, which is not great but pays well. Being alienated from the group would lessen my chances of someday finding a better job with company, as well as make the often tedious and monotonous work day far worse than it already sometimes is.
It's like groundhog day every day, I have to be around people I would never spend time with outside of work. I have vowed to interview for a new position with the company in 2013, as I have been in this position for 12 years, am comfortable there, but my co workers are vapid, uninformed, and uninteresting (to me). It basically boils down to me having nothing in common with them. Otherwise they really are nice guys.
I know I'm not the only one with this problem, but if I could not speak a word all day, I probably would. Instead I have to fake interest in these people and it really is not easy, and has become more and more of a challenge. I would love to hear anyones advice on how to like these people more. Sometimes I believe the problem is not them, it is me. And it probably is. Thanks for allowing me to vent and taking the time to read this. Much appreciated.
Sounds like you aren't the one with the problem, it's just everybody has different interests in life and it doesn't all pull people together in a social environment. Personally for me, I take worth the way it is and as long as everybody is respectful and acting like a team member, then I don't care if we don't talk for the whole day. A "Good morning/afternoon/evening" and a "See you later" everyday is enough for me.
Most of the subjects people talk about here are very predictable so I lose interest in talking much to people at work, I don't have nothing against anybody and I don't really have a problem with people at work, but to engage in a daily conversation is asking a bit much.
I said it shouldn't be a big deal to make an appearance: i.e,. pop in and wish the person well and then be on their way. I don't participate in baby showers or birthday celebrations either and have no interest in doing so. I do pop in to say happy birthday or congratulations and then go on my way because it's a courtesy to do so. If you have no interest in doing that, then fine but understand that people might raise an eyebrow at that especially if the person's absence is coupled with "I'm here to work, not socialize with you people" type comments. That's just the way it is. If it's not a big deal, then who cares if people raise an eyebrow or think it's wrong not to go? You think it's wrong to do this on work time. In the same way that you cannot understand the things others do, they can't understand what you do. Nothing wrong with that. You sound annoyed that people would think there's something wrong with you for not attending a birthday cake celebration in the office, yet you find something wrong with the people who do attend those things.
People have to do what they are comfortable with at work and deal with the ramifications that follow.
If people have such a problem at the fact that some people just don't run their mouth at work, then they have other problems they need to sort out. We are not their problem.
I come to work and give results...socializing is last. Socializing at work usually doesn't involve networking to something better, otherwise I would speak up more.
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