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I work for a very large IT company, I'm in a team of about 15 people that come from varying demographics. but predominantly male. There's about 4 of us who are in our late 20's who naturally get along due to common interests and there's a lot of joking and sh*t talking back and forth which is fine, we tend to push the boundaries with what we say but it's always good natured and never gets too personal (well at least I thought so). There's one guy in my team who is your typical bodybuilder jock douchebag, he fancies himself as a ladies man and always talking about his conquests, he's arrogant but I tolerate him, until today when he made some comments about my girlfriend.
What happened was that we were talking about our plans for the weekend, I said I was going to the movies with my girlfriend. The bodybuilder (let's call him Rob), asks me how we met. I told him we met through Tinder. His first comment, "I'm on Tinder, I would've matched with her for sure" I let it go somewhat and just playfully responded quietly with, "she wouldn't like you , you're ugly", he asked what her first name is, her name is a common name from the country she's from originally, after saying that to him he goes, "oh in that case I DEFINITELY would've matched with her!". Implying that girls from that country are easy, which to me is an incredibly racist generalisation.
By this point I'm pissed off and in a state of shock somewhat that I'm hearing this BS from colleagues, especially in front of my entire team. Another guy in my team, John who was sitting next to me misheard what I said and thought I called my own girlfriend ugly. I told him pretty firmly that's not what I said and not to talk about my girlfriend, he was quick to apologise. Rob on the other hand keeps pushing it and says "I'll find her on Instagram let's have a look", I responded with , "that's my partner you're talking about, keep going and I'm going to get pissed off". The encounter ended with that, there was some nervous/awkward laughter from the rest of my team that heard the whole thing, the vibe was very confrontational which obviously isn't common in our workplace, I'm usually pretty upbeat and jovial, I just packed my stuff and left without saying anything to anyone.
This was 3 hours ago, I'm still furious but unsure if I could've handled it better or if I should've just said nothing and shrugged it off. On one hand I'm still fairly new in this team and hate to rock the boat, on the other hand those comments are crossing the line, workplace or not you don't talk about someone's partner like they're some potential conquest. My heads all over the place, but I have to face this tomorrow when I go into work. Any opinions or advice on my behaviour and how to approach things moving forward is appreciated.
C'mon. You're too sensitive, especially for someone who first called him a name. And you began your post by essentially stating that you view him stereotypically. And you're still stewing 3 hours later? This drama is worse than what you'd find from the hens in a women's break room.
And BTW, he's the one who sounds "upbeat and jovial," not you.
I don't think you over-reacted necessarily... I think it just went too far. Fun is fun, but talking about a guy's girlfriend has always been fightin' words. You were right to draw some battle lines. I wouldn't go out of my way to say more about it. Just let it go and be friendly in the days to come. My guess is, it will pass if you let it.
Eh. Now everyone knows to not talk about your girl friend. It's fine.
I'm female, and I think it's nice that you defended your GF's honor, so to speak. I think it was very boarish of this guy to go on and on about trying to hook up with your GF. You let him know it's not going to fly. I think that's fine.
I don't think you over-reacted necessarily... I think it just went too far. Fun is fun, but talking about a guy's girlfriend has always been fightin' words. You were right to draw some battle lines. I wouldn't go out of my way to say more about it. Just let it go and be friendly in the days to come. My guess is, it will pass if you let it.
Except he didn't draw the line when he should have.
When guys are in an environment in which talking shizzle is normal and expected, most guys know to draw the line quickly when the shizzle wanders toward personal territory where they can't handle shizzle. Nobody else knows where that line is.
So let me get this straight, it was OK with you when he made disparaging comments about OTHER women? And you're upset about his racist generalizations, but not about his sexist ones? Who's the douche bag again?
You shoot the ****, you reap the ****. Keep it professional. Hope you'll learn how to draw workplace boundaries when you are older.
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