Madness and mania,family burdens and suicidal
Well I was still suicidal but slightly manic on wednesday, that is I still felt flooded with feelings, but I had some sort of new cognitive damage Wednesday afternoon where I could no longer feel the celts,the mysteries or any of my interests,everything I was lauding in my last entry and everything I live for just went.I thought it was just my mania dipping,but I dreamt it was cognitive damage and it feels very much like it. I'm not surprised I was operating on no sleep Wednesday and shouldn't have been reading with my fragile brain,the only thing I'd read that day was love legends very briefly,but it happened when I looked up suicide,after I read on it everything switched off.Im very upset about it,but I was already looking up suicide.Today I still feel quite manic and have been listening to madness by ruelle on repeat its the only thing that matches my epic moods and feeling of chaos.I guess when you're living on the verge of death all the time everything peaks,everything feels drastic,reminds me of Zeldas quote "isn't it funny how danger makes people more passionate", honestly I love my manic highs it's the only time I feel really alive and bursting.
Ive realised I'm exactly like my father like my mother always says,he was a wild current in his youth all the stories about him are hidden from me,he was in a band,my mother was pious and Christian - an unlikely pair.But I am like my father with mad eyes.All I'm able to do right now is listen to music,I cannot read or use the web or do anything.Im thinking of people I've been besotted with and how freeing it is to run mad and free to just run havoc,to be unbound and unfolding,to take people with you on that fling,that wild ride.People who have experienced mania would understand,everything is so epic,high poetry and feeling.My mother a devout Christian has been getting on my nerves telling me my books are all evil and that they caused all my episodes and problems etc.I have not had contact with my parents for six years, to suddenly have them in my life telling me what to do is so very tiring and I think maintaining your independence from your parents is so important so you can become who you are not be buried under their ideas of you.Overall this week has been truly hellish I'm listening to runaway by aurora and Angela by the Lumineers both songs about running away.I lived a vagabond existence for six years that I hated but now I kind of miss it,gosh such a hippy.
Should go to the hospital really,where I always go when I'm falling apart or mostly because I'm having an episode,just take my blanket and my journals and go,prevent a complete breakdown,get out of daily life and stresses for a few months till I can function again.But no I won't go,the only cure the hospital has is pills and more pills and pills are the prime cause of all the distress I'm going through.I could sure use the counselling you get there though my god,and proper scans of my brain and help with everything.I feel as if I will either commit suicide or go to the hospital.One of the two.Gosh I miss everything feeling so spiritual and full of mystery it's amazing what the brain can close off.My last entry I was feeling like a mythical mermaid now it's all gone I can't feel anything of the divine except a little mania.I feel almost nothing of the celts,my foremost passion.I watched touched with fire this morning talking about all the poets and artists with bipolar,that it's a great gift. I would love it so much more if it were a subtle,intelligent British period piece with the same theme ; two manic depressive poets fall in love and if it understood mania as a divine state that has to be worked with.Well I'm off to drink my tea and listen to the same songs a hundred times.
Ive realised I'm exactly like my father like my mother always says,he was a wild current in his youth all the stories about him are hidden from me,he was in a band,my mother was pious and Christian - an unlikely pair.But I am like my father with mad eyes.All I'm able to do right now is listen to music,I cannot read or use the web or do anything.Im thinking of people I've been besotted with and how freeing it is to run mad and free to just run havoc,to be unbound and unfolding,to take people with you on that fling,that wild ride.People who have experienced mania would understand,everything is so epic,high poetry and feeling.My mother a devout Christian has been getting on my nerves telling me my books are all evil and that they caused all my episodes and problems etc.I have not had contact with my parents for six years, to suddenly have them in my life telling me what to do is so very tiring and I think maintaining your independence from your parents is so important so you can become who you are not be buried under their ideas of you.Overall this week has been truly hellish I'm listening to runaway by aurora and Angela by the Lumineers both songs about running away.I lived a vagabond existence for six years that I hated but now I kind of miss it,gosh such a hippy.
Should go to the hospital really,where I always go when I'm falling apart or mostly because I'm having an episode,just take my blanket and my journals and go,prevent a complete breakdown,get out of daily life and stresses for a few months till I can function again.But no I won't go,the only cure the hospital has is pills and more pills and pills are the prime cause of all the distress I'm going through.I could sure use the counselling you get there though my god,and proper scans of my brain and help with everything.I feel as if I will either commit suicide or go to the hospital.One of the two.Gosh I miss everything feeling so spiritual and full of mystery it's amazing what the brain can close off.My last entry I was feeling like a mythical mermaid now it's all gone I can't feel anything of the divine except a little mania.I feel almost nothing of the celts,my foremost passion.I watched touched with fire this morning talking about all the poets and artists with bipolar,that it's a great gift. I would love it so much more if it were a subtle,intelligent British period piece with the same theme ; two manic depressive poets fall in love and if it understood mania as a divine state that has to be worked with.Well I'm off to drink my tea and listen to the same songs a hundred times.
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