Healing art,English lore and legend,days of damage

Well in order to survive this time I have started my blog again,it really helped so many months ago with all my turmoil and I think that maybe one day someone will need these words.But mostly I do it for my own saving grace.Its harder to write now I’ve had much more damage,the parts of my brain that feel spiritual things were damaged too so it’s hard for me to process the spiritual which I draw so much from,I can’t sense and feel things too.I guess my last real entry was 25th of March which I kept hidden and a few others,it was all about coming off meds,going to hospital,Irish cottages.Coming off meds did help considerably I got some of my mind back,my minds not as vacant but still I can’t think things and I was so overrun by spirits off meds that I had to go back on at a higher dose.I had no more damage the last five months miraculously,but the last weeks I had two incidents of cognitive damage mostly from the meds and much has gone out,I can’t feel things,I can’t sense things etc etc.It feels like my world is shut down.

Before that happened I was talking about poetry with my friend Loran every day,using reddit,listening to Lumineers and drawing everyday on big canvases,I have tried to maintain the art but as I erode I stop doing art and with such a blank mind as the damage gave me it is very hard to make art but I do it because it did and does heal.Mostly I am drawing bohemian girls with scarves and beads and loose pattern everywhere.I did have a moment this week where my old dire love of England returned after reading on ancestry.com that I was 38 percent English/Welsh suddenly I wanted just beautiful mythic illustrations of refined black haired haughty girls in antiquated blue and white patterns surrounded by sage and deep burgundy all inspired by English Lore and Legend,maybe Tamesis goddess of the Thames to start.You just don’t hear about English Mythology.I managed to feel a little of that all but it went away.I can’t testify enough how impossible it is to feel anything.Whether a song or what a picture evokes,for someone like me who truly lived for feeling and heights and passion there is no worse hell.For the past few months I couldn’t feel what any picture evoked but I could still feel things,the excitement of the art store,the want of an ice cream,the riddled perfection of Dylan Thomas’s Love in the asylum or temper traps sweet disposition I had healed enough to feel a little.Now I’m back right at the beginning with no response I cannot believe it.I wonder how I will write this blog with such a limited response to life now but I will try.