Time to Ban Fruit

I had an epiphany recently. It seems that for centuries we've been inviting Satan into our homes and our lives by our lavish and careless decision to eat fruit. I would say that our frequency of fruit eating is probably higher now than at any other time in our history and look at where it's getting us!

Why shouldn't we ban fruit? After all, fruit was the very device by which Satan lured Eve to eat from the Forbidden Tree in the first place. Eve's one action, an understandable one given the delectability of such scrumptious morsels, led us to where we are today in this world of filth, sin, and mayhem.

I think we've been going at this wrong for so many years, too, because we're not getting to the root cause of all our problems. We're happy to deny rights to sinners because we don't like the obvious fact that they are responsible for all the evil in the world. But, that is really approaching the problem a little backwards, isn't it? Sin didn't make it into this world until after the fruit was eaten. I think it's becoming obvious that with each bite of succulent and sweet fruit, we are inviting another piece of Satan into our lives.

Is it any wonder so many people refer to homosexuals as "fruits," loss of virginity is often referred to as "popping one's cherry," crazy people are sometimes referred to as having "gone bananas," negative occurrences in our lives are often referred to as "sour grapes" and ugly looks on our face have been referred to as looking as though someone has "just eaten a lemon?" If we get hit in the face as a result of domestic violence or a baseball that takes a bad hop, we call it a "strawberry." Sometimes, joints and tumors can swell "like a grapefruit." Nasty, vile, private parts of the male anatomy have often been called "berries" and sometimes "twig and berries." I could go on and on but you're probably getting the bigger picture by now. Fruits, it would seem, are inherently evil. We know this by the way its negativity has made its way subconsciously into our language.

Isn't it entirely possible that Satan never stopped his temptations with just that one piece of fruit? He's so powerful and so sneaky that perhaps the story of Adam and Eve was a subtle hint to tell us that fruit is the pathway by which Satan makes his entry into the world and into our lives. What if each piece of eaten fruit in this world invites a little demon into our souls? Perhaps over time, and with enough fruit consumption, we can no longer ward off the evil spirits and we succumb to them.

I know that once my fruit intake increased I began to become very regular in my bowel movements. Perhaps that was my mind and soul helping my body rid itself of the evil forces. It would seem this may hold some truth in it because it's reported that a regular intake of fruits forces others to evacuate their bowels more frequently as well.

When we enter the grocery store, one of the first things we see is usually the well laid out and colorful fruit and vegetable aisles. How reminiscent of all the other sin in the world, I must say! When we gamble at casinos, a hopelessly sinful activity, by the way, we are often drawn in by the powerful colors not too unlike those aisles in the store. Women wearing anything other than what they are supposed to wear (plain, unrevealing clothes) often dress in a variety of different colors to tempt us uncontrollable men into having sex with them. This too probably stems from the carefully laid out plan of Satan to appeal to our sense that colorful objects are tempting and delicious. And what about the cursed rainbow flag symbolic of homosexuals everywhere?

Not to be too cliche but I think it'd be better to be safe than sorry with this one. From here on out I don't think I'll be eating any more fruits. I'm probably going to stay away from vegetables too on a 'just in case' basis. I think I'd rather sacrifice eating such items in order to be a good, decent and moral person. Especially if eating them may make me an angry, vengeful and immoral person.

I hope I didn't squash any grapes, split any melons, or become the one rotten apple in the bunch with this blog post but someone has to get the information out there and I guess that person is me.