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I'm having a bit of trouble here and it's quite a personal matter, but I figure I'll try my luck in asking for opinions here.
I am married with 2 kids, with my 15 y.o. son from a previous relationship. The biological father of my son was not around from the start, and so is not listed on the birth certificate. My son has my maiden name as his last name. My husband of 5 years has been his father in many ways from the start... financially, emotionally, etc. My husband tried adopting my son after we got married, but there was hesitation on my son's part because he didn't want to give up his family name (my family). We didn't want to pressure him, so we backed off.
Now that he's older, I've approached my son with this subject again, and he is more open to it now. So I started looking at adoption procedures... and was very scared by it! It mentions contacting my son's biological father and our family home life being investigated. When all it boils down to is a name change. So now I'm thinking, should we just skip the adoption and just try a name change? After all, the benefits of being adopted run out by age 18, as I've been told, and it's really not the financial aspect of adoption that we are concerned with... it's more that everyone has the same last name, except for my son. Also, we are not deleting or switching his last name, but just adding my husband's.
Any thoughts on which route is the better one to take?
My friend had to do the same thing. Basically if you don't know where the father is you publish ads in newpapers (your attorney will tell you exactly how many and how long you need to post the ads) in an attempt to notify the father of the pending adoption of the child. If he doesn't come forward, and most likely he won't his permission is then waved and the adoption proceeds. As far as a home inspection goes it was more like a visit from a social worker just to see where you live, that the house is not an unsafe wreck and so on. It's really not the all out inquisition it sounds like. They will probably also want to talk to your son to be sure he wants to be adopted (because of his age he can choose not to). That's it. It took about 4 months for my friend to get all that done, then I think the adoption was final in 6 or so.
I don't think the benefits of having a father run out by the age of 18. If something happens to you and your son isn't married wouldn't you want your husband to be his legal next of kin? Also just the act of becoming his legal father will mean so much for your son's self esteem and their relationship, I don't think it's a waste at all. Good luck.
Thank you, irishmom. I've actually asked around before and have never gotten such kind and sound advice as this. I guess I have met more cynical people 5 years ago who were more scary than helpful. One was a lawyer who actually told me to lie and say I had multiple partners and therefore could not identify the father!
We are also moving from NY to NJ when school ends, which is what brought the idea back to the forefront. Since you mention that it could take up to 6 months, we will just wait until we get settled in NJ to start the process.
Thank you, irishmom. I've actually asked around before and have never gotten such kind and sound advice as this. I guess I have met more cynical people 5 years ago who were more scary than helpful. One was a lawyer who actually told me to lie and say I had multiple partners and therefore could not identify the father!
We are also moving from NY to NJ when school ends, which is what brought the idea back to the forefront. Since you mention that it could take up to 6 months, we will just wait until we get settled in NJ to start the process.
Needless to say that's not the type of lawyer you want to hire...but I'm sure there are many of those type out there...LOL
I wish you all the best as you pursue this. Your son is lucky to have so much love in his life.
Just make sure your son really and truly wants this. My aunt pushed my cousin into changing her last name to the stepfather's name when she was young. My cousin didn't want to but she did not want to make her mother unhappy. Although the bio dad was not around and the stepfather was wonderful, my cousin was really resentful, and still is to this day, as when she got married, she changed her middle name to the last name she had as a child! She liked her name and it did not bother her that she had a different last name than her mother and stepfather. A name gives a person an identity, and it really hurt her to have it changed.
This very well may not be your situation at all. If your son wants to take his stepfather's last name, go for it!
Hi, christina0001. Yeah, I really wouldn't want to push my son into doing something he'd regret. This is why I waited many years to ask again. As a 15-year old, I feel more comfortable that he'll be honest with us and with himself if this would be right for him. I was actually quite surprised when he asked more about it, because it meant he wasn't closed off to it.
Also, this is why we are just adding my husband's name to his existing last name. For example, if my son's name is John Smith, his new name would be John Williams Smith. His new last name will be "Williams Smith" and he will go by John Williams at school. The Smith name will always be on his birth certificate, passport, social security card, etc. But at school and for business, he will use the name that we all use, which would be Williams.
It's actually not as confusing as it sounds, because my daughter already has the last name "Williams Smith" as well. It is a Spanish custom to have both parents' names (father first, then mother). In the end, both my kids will have the same last name (Williams Smith) and we can just simply be the "Williams" family.
Oh, and the important part is that we are not erasing my son's existing last name. I agree that it would be traumatic to choose a stepparent's name over a family name that one grows up with. Having said all this, I go back to my question of adoption or name change? Because they are so very different and can mean different things! Adoption also means asking his biological father (wherever he is) to relinquish all his rights as a father. And as little as I think this would mean to his biological father, I think the idea of this would pain my son more... sigh*
Thank you for sharing your thoughts though. I really do appreciate everyone's 2 cents.
I am going through the same thing my son is 13 and my husband has been with him since my son was 18 months old. Their is no father signature on the birth certificate, can anyone help me out on what ad i should publish in the paper?
I am going through the same thing my son is 13 and my husband has been with him since my son was 18 months old. Their is no father signature on the birth certificate, can anyone help me out on what ad i should publish in the paper?
It's not just publishing an ad in the paper. You need to hire a family law attorney or see if your local legal aid office can help you out. The notice that gets put in the paper is part of serving the biological father with notice of the lawsuit.
An attorney will also be able to advise you on any rights you may be giving up through the adoption. For example, if the biological father has died or is on Social Security disability, the child may be entitled to SS benefits as well. That right is usually extinguished when the child is adopted.
It sounds like your husband has been there for him in many ways. Try pointing these factors out to your son. Does he call him dad? Your son could have some abandonment issues also regarding his biological father not being around. An adoption might give him some closure and some reassurance that this dad isn't leaving him. Point out to him that an adoption isn't going to change anything for the worse (dad won't become controlling or a strict disciplinairian)Talk to your husband also and make sure he realizes your son's hesitation, and why. A name change would work, but if your son is having abandonment issues, this will just be paper. I'd do the adoption, you have nothing to hide. It sounds like you have a wonderful husband and a great family, let them investigate. As long as they are both open to it, celebrate it! Have an adoption party and let the world know, or celebrate with a nice family dinner out--this is your family. ; )
that has actually happened to me. my real dad was mental and had a lot of problems so he wasnt in my life (hes passed away) when the subject was brought up to change my last name (im the only one in my family with a different name) my mom found out that the other side might try to get visitation rights and i didnt want to be a part of that side due to the fact that their family has a lot of illness that runs in the family and im happy where im at.
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