Dating in Chinese Culture (country, place, people, cons)
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Hey everyone!
Can anyone tell me more about dating in China and what one can expect as a female?
My sweetheart (He's chinese) and I were having a conversation on the phone the other day and he asked me if he was a gentleman to which I said, "No, I don't think so " He was a little surprised, laughed, but asked why and so I told him about what I consider to be a gentleman.
Things like, holding the door open for me, paying for me, being more assertive in initiating activities, coming to the door to pick me up, etc, all of which he only does some or most of the time but not all of the time. Granted, we're both at the final stretch of college so I DON'T expect him to pay for every single thing since we're both on a very tight budget and I know that if he was currently working he'd pay for me all the time but with the other things, mostly like being more assertive, I sometimes want him to be that more.
With some of the examples, he explained to me that it had to do with Chinese culture and that in his culture he was being respectful. When he explained it to me, I kind of understood and he said he'd work on it more so that he can improve. But I love him very much and I see a future with this man so i want to understand his culture as well and decided that I wanted to learn a bit more about the dating world of China.
Well I did a few google searches and only found one link but it pertains more to dating Chinese women. What can I expect from Chinese men?
Chinese, and in general, Asian men place much emphasis on their dignity and one should avoid hurting his ego or humiliating him in public. To "lose face" especially in front of his peers and family is the last thing a man wants from his girlfriend/wife, and because of this, most would still insist to pay on behalf of their female partners because in Asian culture, to require a female to pay for his meal would constitute as "losing face". But of course this is the norm than the exception, and there are now guys who are open-minded enough to let their girls pay for them once in a while. Asian men are also generally a family man, and will assume the responsibility to take care of their elderly parents. Respect for parents and the elderly is a prized Asian virtue, and non-Asian girls should understand that and don't ever force him to choose between you or them, as it's like asking him to choose between his right and left hands. In the end, an Asian man is always on the lookout for a caring, loving wife that would be a role model to his future kids, and not one that patronizes night clubs and comes home drunk and messy every other day.
Chinese, and in general, Asian men place much emphasis on their dignity and one should avoid hurting his ego or humiliating him in public. To "lose face" especially in front of his peers and family is the last thing a man wants from his girlfriend/wife, and because of this, most would still insist to pay on behalf of their female partners because in Asian culture, to require a female to pay for his meal would constitute as "losing face". But of course this is the norm than the exception, and there are now guys who are open-minded enough to let their girls pay for them once in a while. Asian men are also generally a family man, and will assume the responsibility to take care of their elderly parents. Respect for parents and the elderly is a prized Asian virtue, and non-Asian girls should understand that and don't ever force him to choose between you or them, as it's like asking him to choose between his right and left hands. In the end, an Asian man is always on the lookout for a caring, loving wife that would be a role model to his future kids, and not one that patronizes night clubs and comes home drunk and messy every other day.
What about things like hold the door open or coming to the door to pick me, etc. Like in terms of etiquette and courtesy. What's that like? I asked this in another section and they said "chivalry" is different in places like China as opposed to the U.S
What about things like hold the door open or coming to the door to pick me, etc. Like in terms of etiquette and courtesy. What's that like? I asked this in another section and they said "chivalry" is different in places like China as opposed to the U.S
I know what I am going to say doesn't have anything to do with dating, but I think Chinese men are not so gentleman in general because in my country, cab drivers would usually help the passengers when they are carrying something ( groceries, buggy) regardless if it's a man or a woman but Chinese drivers don't do that , they will not even bother to get out of the cab to help you at all.
What about things like hold the door open or coming to the door to pick me, etc. Like in terms of etiquette and courtesy. What's that like? I asked this in another section and they said "chivalry" is different in places like China as opposed to the U.S
Chivalry is "Western" concept, although it is certainly taking a stronger hold among the Chinese, especially those residing in areas more prone to Western influence. Holding the door or giving up a seat on a bus is usually done for the elderly, pregnant, or disabled. Courtesy is extended to elderly first, so don't expect a 60 year old Chinese man to hold doors for a 25 year old young woman. As far as dating is concerned, Asian men are typically expected to be more assertive and aggressive when courting a woman (especially true if the woman is Chinese).
As kyh pointed out already, "face" is a big deal and applies to women as well. Family is very important and the son is generally expected to take care of his elderly parents. If married, there would be some expectation on the daughter in law to shoulder some of the load.
I know what I am going to say doesn't have anything to do with dating, but I think Chinese men are not so gentleman in general because in my country, cab drivers would usually help the passengers when they are carrying something ( groceries, buggy) regardless if it's a man or a woman but Chinese drivers don't do that , they will not even bother to get out of the cab to help you at all.
My mate was telling me that it's not something that's really a part of their culture to do, things like holding the door, etc. After I told him about it, he started doing it but sometimes he forgets and told me that he'd probably prefer that I walk ahead of him when we're near a door so that he doesn't forget to do it. I was just trying to understand because I know in places like the U.S and the Caribbean it's considered chivalrous and just the gentlemanly thing to do so to me it just seemed like a no-brainer. With him he was a little puzzled that I said he wasn't a gentleman. i didn't mean as an insult though.
He was telling me that even with things like coming to the door to pick a girl up and stuff that not even his sister likes that done and that she prefers to just go to the car and drive off as things like turning off the car, etc is seen as a waste of money and in the long run, resources and that that's wasteful.
Chivalry is "Western" concept, although it is certainly taking a stronger hold among the Chinese, especially those residing in areas more prone to Western influence. Holding the door or giving up a seat on a bus is usually done for the elderly, pregnant, or disabled. Courtesy is extended to elderly first, so don't expect a 60 year old Chinese man to hold doors for a 25 year old young woman. As far as dating is concerned, Asian men are typically expected to be more assertive and aggressive when courting a woman (especially true if the woman is Chinese).
As kyh pointed out already, "face" is a big deal and applies to women as well. Family is very important and the son is generally expected to take care of his elderly parents. If married, there would be some expectation on the daughter in law to shoulder some of the load.
I can understand the family thing actually. The bolded part kinda puts things into perspective for me so thank you for that.
In terms of being assertive/aggressive, is it part of Chinese culture to hold back someone in terms of making their desires known?
My mate was telling me that it's not something that's really a part of their culture to do, things like holding the door, etc.
There are many different regions of Chinese; is your bf from Hong Kong, Taiwan, Southeast Asia or mainland China? If it's mainland China, is he from a tier 1 city like Shangai or the more remote part of China? Yes, that can make a difference.
True story, I tried holding the door once when I was in Hong Kong. In case you don't know, HK is a populated place with streams of people always coming and going. So I was holding the door and people started coming in and out... and I was still holding the door. I figured one of the people coming in and out was going to say thanks and hold it and I can walk away. Nope, I was there holding this door for must be over two minutes before I said, "F*** it!" and let go. It probably slammed in someone's face but I quickly got out of there. After that, I learned my lesson. In some parts of the world, door holding is for suckers! Keep that in mind when you're talking about your bf.
But the funny thing is, guys in HK do hold doors, but they do it strategically - never in a crowded entrance like I did. Maybe growing up there made them instinctively smart about the right and wrong time to be gentleman like.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Royalite
He was telling me that even with things like coming to the door to pick a girl up and stuff that not even his sister likes that done and that she prefers to just go to the car and drive off as things like turning off the car, etc is seen as a waste of money and in the long run, resources and that that's wasteful.
I think it depends on how long you guys have been in the relationship. I'd go to the door early in the relationship but now I just cell her and say, yo I'm here. None of my gfs ever complained though.
There are many different regions of Chinese; is your bf from Hong Kong, Taiwan, Southeast Asia or mainland China? If it's mainland China, is he from a tier 1 city like Shangai or the more remote part of China? Yes, that can make a difference.
True story, I tried holding the door once when I was in Hong Kong. In case you don't know, HK is a populated place with streams of people always coming and going. So I was holding the door and people started coming in and out... and I was still holding the door. I figured one of the people coming in and out was going to say thanks and hold it and I can walk away. Nope, I was there holding this door for must be over two minutes before I said, "F*** it!" and let go. It probably slammed in someone's face but I quickly got out of there. After that, I learned my lesson. In some parts of the world, door holding is for suckers! Keep that in mind when you're talking about your bf.
But the funny thing is, guys in HK do hold doors, but they do it strategically - never in a crowded entrance like I did. Maybe growing up there made them instinctively smart about the right and wrong time to be gentleman like.
I think it depends on how long you guys have been in the relationship. I'd go to the door early in the relationship but now I just cell her and say, yo I'm here. None of my gfs ever complained though.
HAHAHA! Maybe that's the stage we're in. Maybe I'm just the weird one who thinks that as time goes on the man gets MORE chivalrous. lol But thanks for putting this into perspective. He's from Fuzhou
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" He was a little surprised, laughed, but asked why and so I told him about what I consider to be a gentleman.
None of my gfs ever complained though.
