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I started noticing she had lost some weight, and her skin looked pale about a month ago. She has had a history of IBS and thought that it was acting up. She said that she had a specialist in Phoenix that she wanted to see, but she couldn't get right in to see him. I remember telling her that she should at least go in and see her local doctor to have some blood work done, but she was persistent about seeing this particular doctor because she had a history of bad experiences with other doctors and a couple botched surgeries. Her husband also was persistent about not seeing a local doctor first even though she was experiencing other symptoms such as dizzy spells and nausea, which where new symptoms for her.
Anyways, this went of for about the last month as my wife and I watched this poor woman who is only in her 60's waste away, but we said nothing out of politeness. Finally, my wife had seen enough and drove this woman to the emergency room the day before yesterday after her husband said that she was too weak to stand up. They admitted her to a room and my wife was informed that her vitals didn't look good. We received a call this morning from her husband that she has advanced liver, lung, and stomach cancer. The Doctor told the husband that her organs were shutting down and that she most likely wouldn't make it to the end of the week.
I knew she was sick, but I'm in shock at how fast this was. Her poor husband who is in his late 70's and has lots of health issues himself must feel awful. We sorta think he was in denial in regards to how sick his wife was and also had enabled her by saying everything was going to be just fine.
I would imagine that had she gone in a month ago, the end result would still have been the same with a cancer this aggressive, but it really breaks my heart that she was given no time to prepare to meet her maker. She could have said good by to some of her friends. She also could have said good by to her only child who has been in prison for several years on a drug trafficking charge. He's a good kid that simply made a bad mistake in the wrong state. He is set to be released later this year. Now he won't even be able to have a coherent phone conversation with his mother because of how doped up she is.
All of this just breaks my heart, and I'm feeling some guilt for not speaking up earlier. With treatment, she could have probably had a few good months to prepare for death, and been far more comfortable in the process.
I write this as a warning to those that may someday be in the scenario I was in last month. Speak up, say something. Don't stand back and watch someone die out of politeness the way my wife and I have done.
I remember telling her that she should at least go in and see her local doctor to have some blood work done, but she was persistent about seeing this particular doctor because she had a history of bad experiences with other doctors and a couple botched surgeries. Her husband also was persistent about not seeing a local doctor first even though she was experiencing other symptoms such as dizzy spells and nausea, which where new symptoms for her.
Don't be hard on yourself; you DID speak up, and your neighbor and her husband ignored your advice. You can't force a competent adult to go and see a doctor.
Don't be hard on yourself; you DID speak up, and your neighbor and her husband ignored your advice. You can't force a competent adult to go and see a doctor.
I suppose you're right. It's just one of those things where looking back, I could have been a better friend. Her husband isn't really a competent adult. He's had a stroke, doesn't drive, and is not all there in some ways. We should have sat him down and told him that he was in denial, and that his his wife needs to go see a doctor ASAP. We could have done that without scaring the hell out of her by telling her she looks like she's dying. I think a lot of it was the fear that we where wrong.
Maybe it's better this way? With cancer that wide-spread going through treatment might have just prolonged her suffering. You are and were a good friend. Don't try to second-guess what more you could have done. I suspect, at some level, this woman knew what she was facing.
All of this just breaks my heart, and I'm feeling some guilt for not speaking up earlier. With treatment, she could have probably had a few good months to prepare for death, and been far more comfortable in the process.
Uh, no.
When all's said and done, it's really none of your business.
With earlier treatment, she would have been radiated, sliced, and invaded to death, and then would have died, anyway.
Quote:
Originally Posted by LittleDolphin
Maybe it's better this way? With cancer that wide-spread going through treatment might have just prolonged her suffering. You are and were a good friend. Don't try to second-guess what more you could have done. I suspect, at some level, this woman knew what she was facing.
All of this just breaks my heart, and I'm feeling some guilt for not speaking up earlier. With treatment, she could have probably had a few good months to prepare for death, and been far more comfortable in the process.
Probably not, if her cancer was that advanced, but you and your wife did a lot, and you're both to be commended for your compassion.
I understad how sad and how guilty you must feel, jrt1979, but please be comforted by the other posters' advice. If you want to do something for your neighbor, please let her know that you'll watch after her husband.
I had a good friend whose wife had breast cancer. He never believed she'd die and was in shock when she did. He never got over it and I think the guilt led him to die a couple of years later.
When all's said and done, it's really none of your business.
With earlier treatment, she would have been radiated, sliced, and invaded to death, and then would have died, anyway.
Exactly!
I don't think so. I think they would have told her that she was terminal and sent her home with meds that would have helped her with the pain and possibly some that slowed it down a bit. She could have had some time to prepare for the inevitable instead of finding out on her death bed.
Moderator cut: not your place to say this
Last edited by SouthernBelleInUtah; 08-06-2017 at 12:41 PM..
I am in a kind of similar situation with my sister. She has been fairly well for several years with treatment for metastatic breast cancer. When a treatment failed, they switched to something else and she rallied. Now the options are coming to an end and I got at email from her husband that she is most likely terminal and to call her. If she wanted to talk, why wouldn't she call me?
Of course, I will call her, but I've no idea what I should say to soothe her, or make her feel less wretched.
My sister didn't like doctors and thought she could somehow tell what was wrong, if anything, and take supplements. I tried, for many years, to impress upon her the importance of having a primary doctor and annual tests. Denial was her default m.o. So by the time she finally was diagnosed with Glioblastoma, they told her it would be about two weeks without surgery and chemo. With that treatment, she survived a month and a half. If she hadn't been in denial, she would at least, have had a bit of time...precious time with her family, time to prepare herself.
What to say? Tell her you love her, spend time with her if you can. After your sister is gone, you'll be glad you did what you could!
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