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When my first husband "battled" cancer, my younger son was right by his side. (Helping his dad at every point along the way.)...But, it was different with my older son. He only "came around" once in awhile...I think my younger son felt closer to his dad. They were buddies and lifelong friends...My younger son was more family-oriented. (In general.) He was "there" for all of us..Where my older son was more detached and independent...It's interesting to see how kids react when their parents (or other family members) need help. Don't you think?
My son is more a caregiver type than his sister, yet one wouldn't expect it to be that way because he is much more introverted. When his paternal grandmother broke her shoulder, he took her into his home. Later, he asked his sister to take her for 2 days and she said no.
Some people can't deal with the sick. It doesn't have anything to do with whether they care about that person or not. Some are caregivers, others aren't.
I was told the same by therapists. Usually, one person will have to step up and take care of the ill person. The others will not. Some people have no empathy. Some people show it only at a superficial level with words and not deeds. I have a brother's whose three times failed to help my mom at all when she had a financial or medical crisis (heart attack and a hip fracture). The minimal thing he could've done was make attempts to diagnose her problems and assist her. He just passed it all off onto me and didn't have the decency to accompany her to the ER.
My brother, who I thought was totally incapable, showed great ability when Dad got sick and died. He was very close and helped Dad with very personal needs. Then he stepped up to take care of the estate and has done a wonderful job. I am very proud of him and never would have expected it.
Sometimes it takes a crisis to learn the best (and sometimes the worst) of people.
I found out my family (parents, brother, cousins, all but one grandparent) weren't "family oriented" when I went through cancer myself right out of college - my brother only visited once, while I was going through diagnosis, because my dad threatened him but my own parents never made the effort to show up and see me at any point during treatment. Cousins who lived just down the street from the hospital told me they would "pray for me" and poof - never heard from them again. It's funny - I have dropped what I was doing (or what I was saving for) to help them on many occasions before and since, but when I desperately needed emotional support and logistical and financial help, they were nowhere to be found and often a bit put out that I no longer could offer them the support I gave before I got sick. Shortly after ending chemo, one of my grandmothers passed away and I ended up planning the funeral - bald, exhausted, and weak yet still working full time and in grad school part time - because my parents, aunts, and uncles couldn't handle it themselves. That grandmother didn't pick up the phone to call me a single time after she found out I was sick.
In my family's case, I could almost call it genetic. :P I think my brother modeled after how he saw my parents interact with their siblings and parents. My mom's family growing up was close with the extended family, but it seemed to all hinge on my grandmother (who, of course, is the family member who did everything she could for me when I was ill). My dad distanced himself from his side of the family - I only remember my dad calling his mother once growing up when I was in high school, but it had been so long that she didn't even know who it was. My mom speaks to her mom every day on the phone but only called my other grandmother every 6 months or so to give her updates on the grandkids.
My father has been very ill and I have done as much as possible for him from 1000 miles away - going as so far as to diagnose him (after 4 or 5 doctors shrugged their shoulders) based on a bunch of medical articles (he has a very rare side effect of diabetes) and set up an appointment with a specialist who literally wrote the book on the illness in his area. I can *only* do caregiving from afar for my own emotional sanity. I was diagnosed with stage IV cancer 4 months after I moved across the country for my first job, and I haven't so much as been back to the state I grew up in since - over 4 years.
Then again, if you asked them, they'd say that it was my choice to be distant. Personalities certainly play a big part, but sometimes you reap what you sow.
Some people can't deal with the sick. It doesn't have anything to do with whether they care about that person or not. Some are caregivers, others aren't.
Sometimes, we have to do things that aren't "second-nature" to us because we're needed...Other people need our help. (Even if we're not a pro or expert at performing a certain task.) This is how I feel anyway...I've sure had to "stretch myself" since my husband passed-away...I've had to step way, way out of my "comfort zone" and do things that seem scary and foreign to me right at first...But in the end, I always feel proud of myself. It feels good to become more well-rounded.
I think birth order comes into play when forming personality. Oldests tend to be more type A. I've found them to be less empathetic/nurturing maybe because they are focused on the end result. There are similar generalizations made about middle and youngests.
But don't we all have different experiences as children that can impact our relationships with our parents?
My oldest brother is very detached and somewhat impersonal. He likes us, but he doesn't spend much time thinking about family dynamics (or people dynamics for that matter). He's done some work to help care for parents. He did not have a happy childhood and I suspect got the brunt of my mom's weird perfectionistic parenting ideas. He got as far away as he could as fast as he could as soon as he graduated..
My middle brother has spent his entire life trying to make everyone happy, including my mom. He was always the peacemaker/placater in the family. He did his best to never disappoint. He is unhappy to have failed at making mom happy and will go to his grave feeling that failure. He's taken on way too much of the caretaking which in some respects has enabled my mom to take advantage of him. He happens to live closest. Poor guy.
I'm the youngest and have been more of a mix of the two. I am 9 years younger than my brother. So I believe we had very different experiences growing up with the same parents. I flip flop back and forth on my 'caregiving' goals. Sometimes I"m right in there, other times I have to detach for my own sanity. I just plain don't like mom much so I try to help in practical ways.
I found out my family (parents, brother, cousins, all but one grandparent) weren't "family oriented" when I went through cancer myself right out of college - my brother only visited once, while I was going through diagnosis, because my dad threatened him but my own parents never made the effort to show up and see me at any point during treatment. Cousins who lived just down the street from the hospital told me they would "pray for me" and poof - never heard from them again. It's funny - I have dropped what I was doing (or what I was saving for) to help them on many occasions before and since, but when I desperately needed emotional support and logistical and financial help, they were nowhere to be found and often a bit put out that I no longer could offer them the support I gave before I got sick. Shortly after ending chemo, one of my grandmothers passed away and I ended up planning the funeral - bald, exhausted, and weak yet still working full time and in grad school part time - because my parents, aunts, and uncles couldn't handle it themselves. That grandmother didn't pick up the phone to call me a single time after she found out I was sick.
In my family's case, I could almost call it genetic. :P I think my brother modeled after how he saw my parents interact with their siblings and parents. My mom's family growing up was close with the extended family, but it seemed to all hinge on my grandmother (who, of course, is the family member who did everything she could for me when I was ill). My dad distanced himself from his side of the family - I only remember my dad calling his mother once growing up when I was in high school, but it had been so long that she didn't even know who it was. My mom speaks to her mom every day on the phone but only called my other grandmother every 6 months or so to give her updates on the grandkids.
My father has been very ill and I have done as much as possible for him from 1000 miles away - going as so far as to diagnose him (after 4 or 5 doctors shrugged their shoulders) based on a bunch of medical articles (he has a very rare side effect of diabetes) and set up an appointment with a specialist who literally wrote the book on the illness in his area. I can *only* do caregiving from afar for my own emotional sanity. I was diagnosed with stage IV cancer 4 months after I moved across the country for my first job, and I haven't so much as been back to the state I grew up in since - over 4 years.
Then again, if you asked them, they'd say that it was my choice to be distant. Personalities certainly play a big part, but sometimes you reap what you sow.
I'm sorry your family wasn't there for you when you needed and deserved their support.
Yeah. Some older siblings tend to take the spotlight and enjoy their freedom and independence, whereas the younger ones may feel over-powered by the elder siblings.. they tend to be drifters, yearning for a role. And sometimes being the younger one and being babied also makes them want to give back as their role as the family-oriented member who's a bit more.. dependent of that attention for affection. They tend to feel deeply and show their level of commitment, because they suit that role.
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