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If he gets help getting his legs over the tub, you can probably forgo the tub cutout, especially if you don't think they'll be the in house for long. A transport chair is going to be much easier to get through the standard doors. They tend to have less backing so you'd want to get a cushion for the seat and the back. The cost for a steel chair with the cushions is probably under $150 ($100 for a steel chair, $120 if lightweight aluminum). It'll be easier for your mom to get him to and from medical appointments.
If and when your dad gets the home rehab visits, the OT will be a great source of information. A lot of people in their situation are in fixed incomes or conserving their funds for admittance to a nursing home, so the advice may be to get as much done to make the home more liveable with as little money spent as possible.
It sounds to me like your stepmother is looking at a huge amount of work caring for him, which will also affect her health. Is this their choice? If so, if he wants to stay at home and not in an ALF (not a nursing home), then they probably need to have daily home care assistance. They will have to pay for it. Are they opposed to, or unable to, get home help daily?
There is no easy solution to these problems, especially if the parents resist making necessary changes as mine did.
I would not invest a great deal of money and effort in modifying their home. Given your father's physical condition, it does not seem likely they will be able to continue living there, even with home care assistance, for much longer.
Changing living arrangements is hard for people. Moving is a lot of work and trouble and no wants to give up the familiar. But it doesn't get any easier.
We all hope things will be better tomorrow, and sometimes they are. But I wouldn't bet on this situation improving.
I have a somewhat similar situation. My dad just died last week at age 72, and left my 71 year old hoarder mom and handicapped brother behind. I live 9 hours away, by car. It cost me about $1800 in lost wages, hotel and gas to spend a week taking care of the funeral, consoling my mom, etc. (not complaining about that at all as I wanted to be there, but saying I can't be there on a regular basis).
My mom is in poor health as is my brother. I doubt he'll live another 5 years. Mom hobbles around with a cane, hopped up on prescription drugs, continues to clutter her house with crap from WalMart, etc. They both need to be in assisted living.
Why do people in these situations take no steps to help themselves? My mom refuses to do a will or any estate planning. It's like she has no understanding that she cannot stay in her house. Even if I lived nearby, I have kids, a spouse and f/t job. I can't run over to take out their trash, clean the bathroom and buy food for them. All my grandparents, OTOH, took the responsibility of downsizing at a reasonable age, set up wills/trusts, and made sure everything was planned for their end of life issues. Is this a baby boomer thing? To just do nothing and wait for disaster?
I've tried to help and make suggestions, but got a verbal beat down from my mom. I've given up, for the most part. She could fall in the house and end up dead from it. Same with my brother. It's difficult for me, but it's not a problem I created.
I only had time to speed read but his swallowing? Did he have a stroke or was that from the pneumonia being weak or something?
Is he doing rehab to get that swallowing back?
If his swallowing is compromised when he comes home, even if they clear him to eat orally, he runs the risk of aspiration pneumonia. AGAIN. It's also very important the gets enough fluid to avoid dehydration which is the VERY VERY COMMON cause for falling. And acting delirious or delusional or angry or tired, getting dizzy, light headed, weak, etc. PLUS UTIs on top of that when it gets worse. MOST of these unwell seniors teeter in various stages of dehydration.
And Tube feeding can be a big deal, so you'll need to look into THAT asap to see what's going on there.
IF HE REFUSES his rehab they'll often happily let him. "Patients' RIGHTS!"
I would get a private agency to go there every day and work privately for your family checking on things, reporting back to you AND doing whatever Occupational Therapy the doctor says should be going on IF ANY IN ADDITION to the nursing home/rehab staff. At least for MOTIVATION if nothing else. Even if the agency caregiver just goes and checks on him and sits there. You'll get him to develop a relationship hopefully, that can extend to when he comes home.
Of course, try and find a male if he's more accommodating to that. At my client's Assisted Living it's 50-50 with the guys wanting males or not caring.
My mother could NOT be discharged with her tube after a MAJOR STROKE, but that was because she was an insulin dependent diabetic which complicates the entire feeding deal. We were willing to pay an RN 24/7 at home but the nursing home threatened me to get her a court appointed guardian if I dared. EYEROLL.
I would NOT consider bringing him home as long as his medicare/insurance or whatever is paying the month or whatever it is they cover. Let him really maximize his time. AND let your step mother go sit there to learn what lays ahead for HER taking care of him. I'm sure he'll get some type of home health care but all that has to be worked out with the Social Worker from what I remember.
His wife is going to have HER HANDS FULL just with routine let alone that tube and any meds etc. So she'll definitely need a professional supporting her with all that when the time comes.
What about his hygiene? BIG ITEM number TWO.
Last edited by runswithscissors; 11-18-2014 at 02:29 PM..
I am so sorry that you are facing this. We just put my mother in law in a nursing home in Ireland after a few years of going back and forth, having home help and like you, she has no poa or anything set up and she is getting worse with dementia so its too late.
What we did two years ago was set up somebody to come in twice a day for an hour to make sure she was taking her meds. My husband has paid the bills for over 20 years there, so at least we know she had hot water, heat etc. She had one cousin who would do the grocery shopping and we also had her pension go directly into the bank.
We are also about the same age as yu, have jobs here and also have teenagers who need school. So to move there is not on the cards. Right now we take turns going to Ireland ; my dh is going in two weeks for a week and he will try to do as much as he can. However, his mum fell again today in the home and has a nose bleed.
Money is also an issue as right now we are paying for the home out of our pocket. There is a scheme in Ireland to have the patient pay for it, however it takes 6-10 months now to be approved ; it uses the equity on the home.
I have a somewhat similar situation. My dad just died last week at age 72, and left my 71 year old hoarder mom and handicapped brother behind. I live 9 hours away, by car. It cost me about $1800 in lost wages, hotel and gas to spend a week taking care of the funeral, consoling my mom, etc. (not complaining about that at all as I wanted to be there, but saying I can't be there on a regular basis).
My mom is in poor health as is my brother. I doubt he'll live another 5 years. Mom hobbles around with a cane, hopped up on prescription drugs, continues to clutter her house with crap from WalMart, etc. They both need to be in assisted living.
Why do people in these situations take no steps to help themselves? My mom refuses to do a will or any estate planning. It's like she has no understanding that she cannot stay in her house. Even if I lived nearby, I have kids, a spouse and f/t job. I can't run over to take out their trash, clean the bathroom and buy food for them. All my grandparents, OTOH, took the responsibility of downsizing at a reasonable age, set up wills/trusts, and made sure everything was planned for their end of life issues. Is this a baby boomer thing? To just do nothing and wait for disaster?
I've tried to help and make suggestions, but got a verbal beat down from my mom. I've given up, for the most part. She could fall in the house and end up dead from it. Same with my brother. It's difficult for me, but it's not a problem I created.
No, it's not a "a baby boomer thing." First of all, your mother is not a baby boomer.
You said that your mother has hoarding/addiction issues. She obviously has emotional/mental issues that prevent her from being realistic about her situation. She's probably not someone that can be reasoned with.
I feel sorry for your brother, too. You really need to consult with an attorney that specializes in elder care (of course, your brother is not elderly, but he definitely needs help).
Everyone, thanks for all of the replies. I really appreciate your input!
A friend of mine asked a very important question when I described the situation. She said, "Would you want them to be here?", i.e. have them move out here to be near me. I thought about it for a moment, and realized that no, I don't really want them here. I have my own life here, including a very demanding job, and the thought of visiting them every day just sounds exhausting. Besides, although I love them, in some ways they're much easier to love from a distance.
With that thought in mind, and my guilt somewhat alleviated by the knowledge that they chose to move to Florida many years ago, I'll do what I can to help from a distance. Next year sometime I'll take a week's vacation and go help my stepmom clean out a couple of closets, etc. in preparation for when they might have to sell the house.
I'll remain in close contact with my stepmom, so I can keep up with what's going on and give her advice that might help, too.
Everyone, thanks for all of the replies. I really appreciate your input!
A friend of mine asked a very important question when I described the situation. She said, "Would you want them to be here?", i.e. have them move out here to be near me. I thought about it for a moment, and realized that no, I don't really want them here. I have my own life here, including a very demanding job, and the thought of visiting them every day just sounds exhausting. Besides, although I love them, in some ways they're much easier to love from a distance.
With that thought in mind, and my guilt somewhat alleviated by the knowledge that they chose to move to Florida many years ago, I'll do what I can to help from a distance. Next year sometime I'll take a week's vacation and go help my stepmom clean out a couple of closets, etc. in preparation for when they might have to sell the house.
I'll remain in close contact with my stepmom, so I can keep up with what's going on and give her advice that might help, too.
Thanks again, everyone!
Why would have to visit them everyday if they moved to CA? You get them into a senior apt complex or maybe an assisted living.
I think the situation is very new for you, but you're not being realistic either.
As I shared in my DM this was exactly my situation. Things aren't going to get better and you can't manage things over the phone from the other side of the country.
It's your choice, but you may find yourself having to take FMLA from your job and getting on a plane when the s**t hits the fan. While they have to grant you the leave(for up to 3 months), you said you have a demanding job and there could be ramifications from that.
JMO, it would better to be proactive and try and avoid as much angst and stress as possible in what already is a stressful situation.
And bringing people into the home to help(and especially in FL) is something that needs to be monitored by family. Google FL and seniors being ripped off by people who are sent out by agencies, it is very common. In fact it is a weekly occurrence in the news there.
But you really can't do very much at all long distance. It would be like a mom calling her 7 and 9 yr old to see if they're OK while she is traveling for work, and didn't get anyone to watch them.
So either you decide to get involved or you don't.
My father wasn't even home from rehab for forty-eight hours before he fell and broke his hip on 12/31. He's having ORIF surgery today, and then he's going to spend another few weeks in rehab. He had this procedure done before on the other hip.
My daughter and I are going to visit from the 11th through the 15th; this visit has been planned since the beginning of December. My older brother is also joining us, so maybe we can talk through this and figure out what to do.
I'm of the opinion that my dad belongs in a wheelchair now. I'm sure he tripped with the walker again. This time they also found blood clots in his lungs, so he was on blood thinners until he had to start preparing for the surgery today.
My stepmom is a wonderful woman, but I don't think she understands that he needs to be in a wheelchair. She hesitates to say or do anything that would threaten his independence and dignity, but maybe this time I can get through to her. In the past it has been months or years between serious falls; this time it wasn't even two full days.
By the way, he's still on the feeding tube although he's able to eat a little bit (not enough for the nutrition he needs).
I'm crossing my fingers that he'll come through the surgery, and that he'll be okay for our visit. I'm afraid that he really needs either full-time care or to be in an assisted living facility. There are no great choices.
Last edited by SandyCo; 01-03-2015 at 09:46 AM..
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This time they also found blood clots in his lungs, so he was on blood thinners until he had to start preparing for the surgery today.
