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I am so confused. Are you and your wife helping your mom or taking advantage of her? in your other threads you have said that your wife and mom are too much alike to get along. You posted about creating your own apartment there in her home and your mother being hurt because when you and your wife cook meals you do not offer her any of the food. How are you taking care of her? Are you afraid that if assistance comes in that you will lose some or all of your inheritance? This whole thing feels very "icky' to me.
I am so confused. Are you and your wife helping your mom or taking advantage of her? in your other threads you have said that your wife and mom are too much alike to get along. You posted about creating your own apartment there in her home and your mother being hurt because when you and your wife cook meals you do not offer her any of the food. How are you taking care of her? Are you afraid that if assistance comes in that you will lose some or all of your inheritance? This whole thing feels very "icky' to me.
This!!!! You have probably put into words what the rest of us were wondering.
I am so confused. Are you and your wife helping your mom or taking advantage of her? in your other threads you have said that your wife and mom are too much alike to get along. You posted about creating your own apartment there in her home and your mother being hurt because when you and your wife cook meals you do not offer her any of the food. How are you taking care of her? Are you afraid that if assistance comes in that you will lose some or all of your inheritance? This whole thing feels very "icky' to me.
To be honest we keep her tied in her room and gagged....
To be honest we keep her tied in her room and gagged....
OP, I don't understand why you are getting so frustrated with peoples questions in regards to your posts. You started a thread about your situation and people have responded to your thread, some with questions, some with ideas to try and help you.
The OP is in a tough spot. Once his wife is living in Nebraska, she may realize that being married to a man without a job who lets his mother abuse her is not what she wants out of life and she may move on. He's worried and with good reason.
If the OP convinces his mother to go into an assisted living facility (ALF) for end-of-life-care, it leaves him and his wife with no money to pay the bills and perhaps little at the end either because if her stay is Medicaid funded, after she passes, they will attach the house to cover the expenses. $3K-$6K/month ALF fees means that if she lives another year or so, there might be little equity left in the home.
But if OP takes off with his wife, not only is he letting his poor mother fend for herself during this difficult time but he is risking her willing the house to a cat rescue group or the state taking the house as reimbursement for her Medicaid bills. Plus, he is missing out on those last few months he could have with this abusive woman
They both need to find jobs pronto. Unemployment is the lowest it has been in years and the holiday hiring rush is underway. Surely there are jobs in Georgia.
It will get them out of the house, cut down on the mother's sense that they are mooching off of her, and keep their resumes updated. Many employers are reluctant to hire people with gaps in their employment history.
If she needs to have someone around because of the risk of falling, then they may need to hire someone to come over and provide that service while they are working.
Because as Sue happy as everyone is in the U.S it would be a bad idea.
This is simply untrue. Many very good, ethical doctors tell their terminal patients their life expectancy. It's a professional, normal thing to do and doesn't warrant any sort of lawsuit.
Because doctors, even the smart ones, don't always know for whom the bell tolls and when.
Patients have been told that they only have weeks to live and are still around years later.
The physicians I know say things like, "Get your affairs in order," and so forth. They never give a drop-dead date so to speak.
My uncle's doctor said he wouldn't make it to Thanksgiving. He lived another decade.
Actually they do give approximate dates some time. For instance, they told my grandmother that she needed to get her affairs in order and that she had only a few weeks to live. She was dead in ten days.
They told a friend of mine recently that she had only a few weeks to a few months to live, and she died in about 8 weeks.
They told us last week that my mother in law had at most about two weeks - she lived two more days.
So yes, it is not uncommon when death is IMMINENT for a doctor to tell the patient and/or family. But the further death may be "out," the less accurate their prognosis may be. For instance, my other grandmother's doctor told her 6 months and she lived two years.
Hospice is very good at this sort of thing in general. Earlier this year, we would have thought that my mother in law was on her absolute deathbed, but they told us "within six months but not imminent." She lived 3 more months. They kept us informed almost down to the very minute. "About two weeks." "About three more days." "About 24-48 hours." "About three hours."
The only thing they were wrong on was the "two weeks." When they told us that, it was only a few days later that she passed away.
OP, I don't understand why you are getting so frustrated with peoples questions in regards to your posts. You started a thread about your situation and people have responded to your thread, some with questions, some with ideas to try and help you.
What LITTLE bit of money and things my mom does have
It's not worth all this trouble and stress. This move down here was done out of my wife's love for me. HOSPICE has been called like two weeks ago. Today the social worker from hospice, comes to see how everyone is doing. I am frustrated because it seems to me that no one is reading everything. Yes, there are several things that would take forever to explain. My mom called hospice herself she doesn't want them but with us trying to find jobs it's for the best. Assuming that we are in this for a tad bit of money is absurd. This was done out of love. And for the record I would never put my mom into a nursing home. I have seen first hand how those people are treated and while they are not all like that, we would rather not take that chance. I'm sure some here would have no problem letting their parent rot away and not have to see them or deal with it. That's not us.
What LITTLE bit of money and things my mom does have
It's not worth all this trouble and stress. This move down here was done out of my wife's love for me. HOSPICE has been called like two weeks ago. Today the social worker from hospice, comes to see how everyone is doing. I am frustrated because it seems to me that no one is reading everything. Yes, there are several things that would take forever to explain. My mom called hospice herself she doesn't want them but with us trying to find jobs it's for the best. Assuming that we are in this for a tad bit of money is absurd. This was done out of love. And for the record I would never put my mom into a nursing home. I have seen first hand how those people are treated and while they are not all like that, we would rather not take that chance. I'm sure some here would have no problem letting their parent rot away and not have to see them or deal with it. That's not us.
You keep using the plural form, when it's really just YOU because your wife is probably moving out.
Look, accept that the reason why so many people are frustrated with you and your story is because your story is full of strangeness. Most people on this section of the forum are very supportive and understanding of the frustrations of caregiving, and give lots of very good advice. But your particular story has some strange elements to it that are causing people to question the entire scenario. Either you are not a good communicator or you are leaving pertinent information out on purpose or there's something about your tone and story that raises some red flags - or all three. Yes, it's all three.
Look, I don't know how old you are but unless your wife is significantly older than you, you are both old enough to have decent careers in place when you lived in Asheville, NC. Either you didn't, or you threw caution and common sense to the wind when you both walked away from your jobs there to move in with your Mom.
So you show up with no visible means of support in Georgia to move in, with your cats, with your terminally ill Mom. Meanwhile, your wife has left her two school aged kids behind.
You both know your Mom is very difficult to live with, a fact that simply MUST be compounded by her terminal illness, and yet you both think this is a good idea - to move in, with no jobs, several cats, and a very cantankerous, possessive, unhappy, controlling woman. This is such a bad idea that many of us are thinking, "Surely there's more to this story."
Anyway, on another thread you stated that you don't expect your mom to live past Christmas. Now you're saying no one will give you any idea about her possible life span. Now, I understand that this can only be an estimation, because people can surprise us either way, but it seems that your mom is in her last six months.
Here's what I'm wondering. If you feel you need to be with your mom 24/7 right now - I get that. But why can't your wife find a J.O.B. in G.A.? This would accomplish several things: 1) It would get her out of the house so she would not be around your mom much, and 2) this would bring in some income so you wouldn't be relying on your terminally ill mom for food and shelter.
What exactly are you doing for your mom right now, and what exactly does your mom expect you to do?
One final observation: You say your mom is treating your wife terribly. You say she doesn't accept your wife and that your mom wants to be the only woman in your life. This sounds like a pattern that was in place long before the cancer was in place. Here's what I would do regarding that:
I'd sit your mom down and I'd say, "Mom, here's the deal. We moved here to take care of you. We went through significant effort and trouble to do this. We are willing to do it - but there's a condition. That condition is that you treat my wife with respect. I know you're very sick, but honestly, that's no excuse for treating my wife so badly. I can't and won't tolerate it. If you don't treat her respectfully, we are both going to move out. Get this, Mom - we're BOTH going to move out, because we're married, and my wife and I come as a package deal. It's both or neither. Your choice. But I mean it. Learn to live with her or we both go."
Then I'd tell my wife, "I understand you wanting to get away from my Mom, I really do. I'd like for you to get a job here. Actually, I feel awkward about that because I feel like as the man, I should be working, but I know it's too much to ask for you to take care of my mom's needs, so I need to be here with her to do that. But we need income, and you need a break from my mother, so I'd like for you to find a job - ANY job - while we're here. I promise to make it up to you when all this is over."
That's my advice. Your wife doesn't need to be traipsing off, with no income and no husband and no kids, to Nebraska for Pete's sake. No wonder you're worried about your marriage - that worry is legit! THAT IDEA MAKES NO LOGICAL SENSE. Your wife needs to be in Georgia, working, and going back to NC at least once a month to be with her kids.
If she's not willing to do this, then mister, you've got much bigger problems than just a sick mom.
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