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I am going to disagree with some of the previous posters.
While it may have been ill advised to turn your life upside down for you and yourwife to move in with your mother. If my mother was dying, and only had a fewweeks to live, I would choose her over my husband in a heartbeat. After all, in a few weeks she would be gone forever and I would still have decades to spend with my husband.
Frankly, when my mother was dying my husband did all that he could to support me and to support her. That was 23 years ago. My mother is dead but I am still married to my husband (and I expect to be married for many years in the future).
IMHO, the wife is acting like a spoiled child. A dying woman is acting difficult? Perhaps the wife should have more compassion. After all in a few short weeks she won't have to put up with her MIL ever again.
If the wife leaves to stay with friends I do not think that the husband should desert his dying mother to go chasing after his wife. If that is the end of the marriage than it was meant to be.
To me it isn't as easy to cut off your mom no matter how mean she is as some people make it seem to be. She's dying. Your wife should suck it up, bite her tongue, have a cocktail, go for jogs, whatever it takes to make the last months bearable...... for you and your mom.
What LITTLE bit of money and things my mom does have
It's not worth all this trouble and stress. This move down here was done out of my wife's love for me. HOSPICE has been called like two weeks ago. Today the social worker from hospice, comes to see how everyone is doing. I am frustrated because it seems to me that no one is reading everything. Yes, there are several things that would take forever to explain. My mom called hospice herself she doesn't want them but with us trying to find jobs it's for the best. Assuming that we are in this for a tad bit of money is absurd. This was done out of love. And for the record I would never put my mom into a nursing home. I have seen first hand how those people are treated and while they are not all like that, we would rather not take that chance. I'm sure some here would have no problem letting their parent rot away and not have to see them or deal with it. That's not us.
If your move to GA was done out of the love your wife has for you and your love for your mother, then I suggest you put on your big boy pants and deal with the cards you have been dealt.
BTW you get indignant when you perceive others are judging you but in the part I highlighted, aren't you being judgmental? Most people do not put their parents in a nursing home because they want to get rid of them, most are in a nursing home because that was the best and only option. Not every child can do what you did, quit jobs, uproot their lives and move somewhere to take care of a parent.
To me it isn't as easy to cut off your mom no matter how mean she is as some people make it seem to be. She's dying. Your wife should suck it up, bite her tongue, have a cocktail, go for jogs, whatever it takes to make the last months bearable...... for you and your mom.
Here is something that I should of said. Take away my mom's cancer and the fact that she is in borrowerd time, she can still be very, very hateful.
Here is something that I should of said. Take away my mom's cancer and the fact that she is in borrowerd time, she can still be very, very hateful.
Then honestly, you have no business moving your wife in with her. And your wife had no business doing so - surely she knew your mom is hateful.
Come to think of it, why did YOU move in with your mom knowing she is such an awful woman - putting your wife into such a situation, and knowing you and your wife would be leaving her school aged kids far behind?
Now your wife, instead of moving back to Asheville to be near her kids, is talking about aping off to Nebraska.
Sounds to me like NONE of the three in the bunch is dealing with a full deck. TOTAL DYSFUNCTION.
If you want your marriage to survive, may I suggest that you immediately sit down with a family counselor - on your own if no one will go with you - and get your own head together? I'm not saying that you're the best qualified person to lead this raucous pack, but you're the only one on this forum asking questions and besides that, you can't change other people - you can only change yourself. But someone in this bunch needs to be thinking clearly. Tag, you're it. You can choose to change this situation or choose not to and wallow in dysfunctional self pity, wringing your hands and saying "I am not strong enough - I am not!" but if you're not willing to take this bull by the horns, you're going to get gored.
I'm sure some here would have no problem letting their parent rot away and not have to see them or deal with it.
You're dang right I would, if my mother was a raging whackjob like you are making her out to be. Nobody deserves to be treated the way you say she treats others.
So, OP, after the hospice worker visited, where there be help coming from that source? Will they provide you with some additional in-home caretaking? Because, if not, I can just imagine what your daily life will be like when your wife moves out and you are left there to caretake for your "hateful" mother 24/7. You will get burned out so quickly that you'll be no good to her or yourself. Talk about burning a candle at both ends - yours will turn into a bottle rocket. And there is simply no point in getting all sanctimonious about not putting your mother in a nursing home. Sometimes, and not a FEW times, it is the best thing for the person in need - they receive skilled nursing care rather than the fumbled efforts of a well-meaning family member.
My mother had to go into Assisted Living when she was 89. She didn't want to, but her low-grade dementia meant she couldn't live alone any more. I DID move in with her for 3 months after the knee surgery that triggered her dementia, with my sister taking my place twice a week. However, it became increasingly obvious that Mom needed a full-time living/care situation. I researched every ALF in the vicinity and found one she (finally) liked. She was there for 5 years until dying of full-blown Alzheimers and old age at 94. She had the best of care and I traveled weekly, even during my late husband's final illness, to see her and monitor her care and living conditions. Every trip was a 5 hour slog, but I was glad to visit her. Let me tell you that providing care for an elderly, ill parent CAN be done well in the proper setting - YOU need to do the research and find one for her if hospice will not be providing adequate assistance to her and you.
Then honestly, you have no business moving your wife in with her. And your wife had no business doing so - surely she knew your mom is hateful.
Come to think of it, why did YOU move in with your mom knowing she is such an awful woman - putting your wife into such a situation, and knowing you and your wife would be leaving her school aged kids far behind?
Now your wife, instead of moving back to Asheville to be near her kids, is talking about aping off to Nebraska.
Sounds to me like NONE of the three in the bunch is dealing with a full deck. TOTAL DYSFUNCTION.
If you want your marriage to survive, may I suggest that you immediately sit down with a family counselor - on your own if no one will go with you - and get your own head together? I'm not saying that you're the best qualified person to lead this raucous pack, but you're the only one on this forum asking questions and besides that, you can't change other people - you can only change yourself. But someone in this bunch needs to be thinking clearly. Tag, you're it. You can choose to change this situation or choose not to and wallow in dysfunctional self pity, wringing your hands and saying "I am not strong enough - I am not!" but if you're not willing to take this bull by the horns, you're going to get gored.
It won't let me rep you anymore, so considered yourself repped.
What LITTLE bit of money and things my mom does have
It's not worth all this trouble and stress. This move down here was done out of my wife's love for me. HOSPICE has been called like two weeks ago. Today the social worker from hospice, comes to see how everyone is doing. I am frustrated because it seems to me that no one is reading everything. Yes, there are several things that would take forever to explain. My mom called hospice herself she doesn't want them but with us trying to find jobs it's for the best. Assuming that we are in this for a tad bit of money is absurd. This was done out of love. And for the record I would never put my mom into a nursing home. I have seen first hand how those people are treated and while they are not all like that, we would rather not take that chance. I'm sure some here would have no problem letting their parent rot away and not have to see them or deal with it. That's not us.
It took two weeks from the time hospice was called for a social worker to come out? Never heard of such a long time between contacting them and someone coming out. It should take two days, not two weeks.
The reason people ask questions is things don't make a lot of sense.
And the bolded part is just rude. Many of us on here have taken care of elderly parents or a loved one.
Most people who come to the caregiving forum do so because they're also dealing with a situation that isn't all that different from yours.
You keep using the plural form, when it's really just YOU because your wife is probably moving out.
Look, accept that the reason why so many people are frustrated with you and your story is because your story is full of strangeness. Most people on this section of the forum are very supportive and understanding of the frustrations of caregiving, and give lots of very good advice. But your particular story has some strange elements to it that are causing people to question the entire scenario. Either you are not a good communicator or you are leaving pertinent information out on purpose or there's something about your tone and story that raises some red flags - or all three. Yes, it's all three.
Look, I don't know how old you are but unless your wife is significantly older than you, you are both old enough to have decent careers in place when you lived in Asheville, NC. Either you didn't, or you threw caution and common sense to the wind when you both walked away from your jobs there to move in with your Mom.
So you show up with no visible means of support in Georgia to move in, with your cats, with your terminally ill Mom. Meanwhile, your wife has left her two school aged kids behind.
You both know your Mom is very difficult to live with, a fact that simply MUST be compounded by her terminal illness, and yet you both think this is a good idea - to move in, with no jobs, several cats, and a very cantankerous, possessive, unhappy, controlling woman. This is such a bad idea that many of us are thinking, "Surely there's more to this story."
Anyway, on another thread you stated that you don't expect your mom to live past Christmas. Now you're saying no one will give you any idea about her possible life span. Now, I understand that this can only be an estimation, because people can surprise us either way, but it seems that your mom is in her last six months.
Here's what I'm wondering. If you feel you need to be with your mom 24/7 right now - I get that. But why can't your wife find a J.O.B. in G.A.? This would accomplish several things: 1) It would get her out of the house so she would not be around your mom much, and 2) this would bring in some income so you wouldn't be relying on your terminally ill mom for food and shelter.
What exactly are you doing for your mom right now, and what exactly does your mom expect you to do?
One final observation: You say your mom is treating your wife terribly. You say she doesn't accept your wife and that your mom wants to be the only woman in your life. This sounds like a pattern that was in place long before the cancer was in place. Here's what I would do regarding that:
I'd sit your mom down and I'd say, "Mom, here's the deal. We moved here to take care of you. We went through significant effort and trouble to do this. We are willing to do it - but there's a condition. That condition is that you treat my wife with respect. I know you're very sick, but honestly, that's no excuse for treating my wife so badly. I can't and won't tolerate it. If you don't treat her respectfully, we are both going to move out. Get this, Mom - we're BOTH going to move out, because we're married, and my wife and I come as a package deal. It's both or neither. Your choice. But I mean it. Learn to live with her or we both go."
Then I'd tell my wife, "I understand you wanting to get away from my Mom, I really do. I'd like for you to get a job here. Actually, I feel awkward about that because I feel like as the man, I should be working, but I know it's too much to ask for you to take care of my mom's needs, so I need to be here with her to do that. But we need income, and you need a break from my mother, so I'd like for you to find a job - ANY job - while we're here. I promise to make it up to you when all this is over."
That's my advice. Your wife doesn't need to be traipsing off, with no income and no husband and no kids, to Nebraska for Pete's sake. No wonder you're worried about your marriage - that worry is legit! THAT IDEA MAKES NO LOGICAL SENSE. Your wife needs to be in Georgia, working, and going back to NC at least once a month to be with her kids.
If she's not willing to do this, then mister, you've got much bigger problems than just a sick mom.
It won't let me rep you anymore, so considered yourself repped.
Ditto for me
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