Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Ugh. He either shouldn't have offered or paid her bill. Sounds like he wanted the props without paying. I have the same issue with my mother. She doesn't have a lot of money (thanks to my brother fleecing her for years), but will tell one of my kids she will pay for something like say a plane ticket so she feels generous. Then when the bill comes due, she doesn't have the money and I end up having to step in. After this happened a couple times, we all just know to ignore whatever Grandma says about money and never to count on her to make good. Sounds like you need to treat your brother the same way.
Well, my brother called my sister absolutely astounded that I was upset about the cleaning lady confusion. He told her that he had no idea how I would have gotten the idea that he was paying for the cleaning lady (Duh, he told me!). So my sister said that she would pay for the cleaning lady.
I am still pretty upset, but decided that I would go ahead with having the cleaning lady come (mainly because their is no way in heaven that we would be ready for an Open House on Sunday otherwise. My daughter is working all day tomorrow, plus Saturday and Sunday morning.
Last edited by germaine2626; 04-28-2016 at 06:44 PM..
Ummm, if I were you I would check and see what else is on this "tab" that he is keeping for you. Are you aware of other items that he has fronted the money without telling you that you will need to pay him back?
He sounds like a real winner and it is sad that we can't count on those closest to us in times of need. Do you think that he really gets the situation you are in? Does he really not care? I mean, I wouldn't expect him to take care of all of your expenses for you but it would be kind of him to offer things like a cleaning lady as a gift to you every now and again.
Well, My brother came over this morning to watch my husband while I met his cleaning lady at the condo.
Oh my! She was like a whirling dervish! She was there for four hours and vacuumed every carpet (including in the basement ), scrubbed the floors on her hands & knees, cleaned the bathrooms, cleaned every surface, and even washed the stairs going into the basement. In the mean time I managed to empty & wash out several cabinets and do a few other things.
Apparently, my sister & brother are going to split the cost.
I am feeling a lot better now. I think that I was just overstressed yesterday.
PS. My brother is actually pretty nice, but strange about money. He plants an enormous, enormous garden and donates bushel basket after bushel basket of fresh produce to local food pantries & senior centers throughout the summer. Due to his severe rheumatoid arthritis he pays teenagers to plant, weed & harvest the vegetables as he can't do it himself. He never accepts any money for the vegetables and gives them all away.
He flies first class and can spend big, big bucks to attend something like a Bowl Game but is horrified if someone buys chicken breasts at the grocery store instead of a whole uncooked chicken.
Last edited by germaine2626; 04-29-2016 at 06:03 PM..
Oh, Germaine, what a heavy burden you are carrying. You are an amazing woman - but isn't it tiring to have to be so amazing all the time? LOL
Your brother sounds weird as heck. Apparently you just can't count on him. As for whatever he thinks is "on your tab," I'd just let him carry that tab with him to the dang grave. What is he doing - waiting for you or your husband to die, or waiting for you to sell the condo and then planning on presenting a bill? He can stuff that bill where the sun don't shine!
Wow, when I was reading your post about what a terrible job our medical community does with elder care and helping caregivers, I was nodding my head and saying "Amen and amen." It's actually ridiculous.
For example - my husband and parents and I all moved to the medical hub/center of East Texas specifically to be close to excellent medical facilities, since my parents are now elderly and for that matter, my husband and I are in our fifties and will one day need top notch medical facilities as well. Now, keep in mind that my husband and I are Baby Boomers, part of the largest generation ever born. The oldest Boomers (we are some of the youngest) are already needing elder care for their health needs. You would think that there would be good information, facilities, medical professionals, geriatric specialists, social workers, etc. up and running to meet the needs of such a large group of Americans. But apparently not. My gosh, the right hand doesn't know what the left hand is doing!
As you know, my mom is in a decline. The fiasco at the hospital this past week was unbelievable. The staff deemed her "a danger to herself and others," not because she is violent but because she is so starved and frail and my dad cannot take care of her needs at home, so they determined that it was not safe for her to return home. She was denied rehab because she is so uncooperative and refused it basically. She could not stay at the hospital another night - they were talking about RELEASING HER. But to where? She can't go home, she can't stay there, she can't go to rehab, and it's 3 pm and they were looking at us like, "So where do we send her?" CLEARLY she needed to go to a behavioral health facility with geriatric specialists there - and we have several in our area - but get this - they are all full, with waiting lists. WHAT? Come to find out that in this big, growing, bustling metro area, there are a total of 26 beds locally for elderly people with behavioral health problems.
Twenty six. That's it.
It took the staff at the hospital two days to find a bed for her and arrange for her to be transported to that bed - two hours away in the middle of freaking no where.
Also, let's talk about continuity of care and communications - my mother was seen by no fewer than about six doctors in her three day hospital stay - all hospital doctors. About four RNs, due to shift changes and schedules. Two social workers. With each and every interaction, we had to re-explain the whole situation. Here's what I think would happen - they'd see on a cursory review of her chart, that she had a big stroke ten years ago and that she's 77 and has been falling and broke her hip two months ago - and honestly, I think they just consider her a lost cause. She's not going to offer a good return on investment in their eyes. That's the feeling I get. I feel like everyone in the medical profession just wants us to shut up, stick her in a facility somewhere, and that the sooner she just fades away and dies, the better.
I think we're dealing with rationed health care, frankly.
I am not trying to talk about my mom on your thread - sorry. What I'm trying to do is illustrate the attitude we've encountered over and over again in the past 18 months with my mom. I am SHOCKED at the lack of any sort of cohesive care or care options or even simple INFORMATION. It feels like "pass the buck." To me, it feels like the entire medical profession has an attitude of only looking at their own tiny sliver - "We're only in charge of setting that broken hip," or "We're only in charge of running tests to be sure she hasn't had another stroke - oops, no stroke so I wash my hands of this!" Meanwhile the families have to struggle to piece together whatever help they can find out (by sheer luck or like you said, by message boards or googling for hours every day) during extremely stressful situations.
Honestly - your husband and my mother are not rare aliens with problems or issues that are unheard of in the medical community. Our families are not unusual in our challenges. I can't for the life of me figure out why it's so difficult to get information or help. It's absolutely MADDENING.
The Open House went well. There were 11 couples who stopped by (apparently that is a large number for my area). And several seemed a little interested (at least they did not immediately walk out when they realized that they needed to replace the carpet & paint the walls).
I made up a huge poster listing all of things that are a five minute or less drive from the condo. Numerous people were very interested in that even if they weren't interested in the condo. Our condo is in a very quiet, wooded pocket of a typical suburb. On one side of our large property is a wooded area with a stream (no houses for a block or so). But, our condo is amazing close to major roads & services. Almost everything you could need, and multiples of most things, are within a five minute or less drive (freeway on-ramps both N/S and E/W, 3 gas stations, 3 fast food places, 3 sit down restaurants, YMCA, grocery store, drug store, 3 schools, day care center, 3 churches, medical clinic, parks, nature trails, and well over a dozen more things.
But, once again, that was more work on my part, checking the actual distance to stores & other places & typing everything up to give to the real estate agent and making a poster.
Sheesh. It is like everything always falls on my shoulders, even stuff that the real estate agent could/should be doing.
I was pretty worn out after getting ready for the Open House & my rheumatoid arthritis was acting up and I spent much of Saturday, Sunday & Monday in bed or resting with my feet up. But, of course, I really couldn't completely rest because my husband needs supervision and care.
As I may or may not have mentioned, my husband has shown a significant decline in cognitive functioning in the last two or three weeks. It was so dramatic that even the staff at Brain Stretchers/Adult Day Care mentioned it to me. Last week, at least once a day, he indicated to me in some way that he did not recognize me. Several times he asked if I was his mother, another time he asked if his wife was coming with us when we were leaving our apartment, and other times he just asked who I was. That is pretty disconcerting since we have been married for almost 40 years and dated for 8 years before that. And, he has gotten more confused about other things, too. I had to remove the knobs from the stove & oven as he had all of the burners & the oven on two weeks ago after I went to sleep.
So, we went to his family practice doctor today and she was running a bunch of tests to check everything out physically. It may have been a coincidence, or he come down with a virus, or it could be something worse, this morning. He was shivering and shaking and could barely walk (but not running a fever). He was an absolute mess when we were at the doctor's office. She reminded me that I should be aware that I need to be "checking out care facilities" for the future.
I have been thinking about this.
Quickly downsizing & selling your home of 30 plus years and handling "life" is manageable.
Providing 24/7 supervision and care to a loved one and handling "life" is manageable.
But, quickly downsizing & selling your home of 30 plus years while providing 24/7 supervision and care to a loved one and handling "life" is not manageable.
The Open House went well. There were 11 couples who stopped by (apparently that is a large number for my area). And several seemed a little interested (at least they did not immediately walk out when they realized that they needed to replace the carpet & paint the walls).
I made up a huge poster listing all of things that are a five minute or less drive from the condo. Numerous people were very interested in that even if they weren't interested in the condo. Our condo is in a very quiet, wooded pocket of a typical suburb. On one side of our large property is a wooded area with a stream (no houses for a block or so). But, our condo is amazing close to major roads & services. Almost everything you could need, and multiples of most things, are within a five minute or less drive (freeway on-ramps both N/S and E/W, 3 gas stations, 3 fast food places, 3 sit down restaurants, YMCA, grocery store, drug store, 3 schools, day care center, 3 churches, medical clinic, parks, nature trails, and well over a dozen more things.
But, once again, that was more work on my part, checking the actual distance to stores & other places & typing everything up to give to the real estate agent and making a poster.
Sheesh. It is like everything always falls on my shoulders, even stuff that the real estate agent could/should be doing.
I was pretty worn out after getting ready for the Open House & my rheumatoid arthritis was acting up and I spent much of Saturday, Sunday & Monday in bed or resting with my feet up. But, of course, I really couldn't completely rest because my husband needs supervision and care.
As I may or may not have mentioned, my husband has shown a significant decline in cognitive functioning in the last two or three weeks. It was so dramatic that even the staff at Brain Stretchers/Adult Day Care mentioned it to me. Last week, at least once a day, he indicated to me in some way that he did not recognize me. Several times he asked if I was his mother, another time he asked if his wife was coming with us when we were leaving our apartment, and other times he just asked who I was. That is pretty disconcerting since we have been married for almost 40 years and dated for 8 years before that. And, he has gotten more confused about other things, too. I had to remove the knobs from the stove & oven as he had all of the burners & the oven on two weeks ago after I went to sleep.
So, we went to his family practice doctor today and she was running a bunch of tests to check everything out physically. It may have been a coincidence, or he come down with a virus, or it could be something worse, this morning. He was shivering and shaking and could barely walk (but not running a fever). He was an absolute mess when we were at the doctor's office. She reminded me that I should be aware that I need to be "checking out care facilities" for the future.
I have been thinking about this.
Quickly downsizing & selling your home of 30 plus years and handling "life" is manageable.
Providing 24/7 supervision and care to a loved one and handling "life" is manageable.
But, quickly downsizing & selling your home of 30 plus years while providing 24/7 supervision and care to a loved one and handling "life" is not manageable.
Germaine, hopefully a buyer will make an offer quickly and you can at least get the sale of the condo behind you.
I am sorry to hear of your husbands decline and know how sad and overwhelming it must be for you. Please know you are in my thoughts.
The Open House went well. There were 11 couples who stopped by (apparently that is a large number for my area). And several seemed a little interested (at least they did not immediately walk out when they realized that they needed to replace the carpet & paint the walls).
I made up a huge poster listing all of things that are a five minute or less drive from the condo. Numerous people were very interested in that even if they weren't interested in the condo. Our condo is in a very quiet, wooded pocket of a typical suburb. On one side of our large property is a wooded area with a stream (no houses for a block or so). But, our condo is amazing close to major roads & services. Almost everything you could need, and multiples of most things, are within a five minute or less drive (freeway on-ramps both N/S and E/W, 3 gas stations, 3 fast food places, 3 sit down restaurants, YMCA, grocery store, drug store, 3 schools, day care center, 3 churches, medical clinic, parks, nature trails, and well over a dozen more things.
But, once again, that was more work on my part, checking the actual distance to stores & other places & typing everything up to give to the real estate agent and making a poster.
Sheesh. It is like everything always falls on my shoulders, even stuff that the real estate agent could/should be doing.
I was pretty worn out after getting ready for the Open House & my rheumatoid arthritis was acting up and I spent much of Saturday, Sunday & Monday in bed or resting with my feet up. But, of course, I really couldn't completely rest because my husband needs supervision and care.
As I may or may not have mentioned, my husband has shown a significant decline in cognitive functioning in the last two or three weeks. It was so dramatic that even the staff at Brain Stretchers/Adult Day Care mentioned it to me. Last week, at least once a day, he indicated to me in some way that he did not recognize me. Several times he asked if I was his mother, another time he asked if his wife was coming with us when we were leaving our apartment, and other times he just asked who I was. That is pretty disconcerting since we have been married for almost 40 years and dated for 8 years before that. And, he has gotten more confused about other things, too. I had to remove the knobs from the stove & oven as he had all of the burners & the oven on two weeks ago after I went to sleep.
So, we went to his family practice doctor today and she was running a bunch of tests to check everything out physically. It may have been a coincidence, or he come down with a virus, or it could be something worse, this morning. He was shivering and shaking and could barely walk (but not running a fever). He was an absolute mess when we were at the doctor's office. She reminded me that I should be aware that I need to be "checking out care facilities" for the future.
I have been thinking about this. Quickly downsizing & selling your home of 30 plus years and handling "life" is manageable.
Providing 24/7 supervision and care to a loved one and handling "life" is manageable.
But, quickly downsizing & selling your home of 30 plus years while providing 24/7 supervision and care to a loved one and handling "life" is not manageable.
Most people could not handle what you handle so gracefully, Germaine.
I love the fact that you made a poster. (I think as a special educator, you had to have rocked!)
I am frazzled but those two things struck me while reading your post. I am sorry your husband isn't doing well right now. I hope you don't have to add such another task so soon. Sending you a big {{{HUG}}}!!
Thank you fellow Caregiver Forum posters for your kinds posts & kinds thoughts.
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626
Update. May 3
The Open House went well. There were 11 couples who stopped by (apparently that is a large number for my area). And several seemed a little interested (at least they did not immediately walk out when they realized that they needed to replace the carpet & paint the walls).
I made up a huge poster listing all of things that are a five minute or less drive from the condo. Numerous people were very interested in that even if they weren't interested in the condo. Our condo is in a very quiet, wooded pocket of a typical suburb. On one side of our large property is a wooded area with a stream (no houses for a block or so). But, our condo is amazing close to major roads & services. Almost everything you could need, and multiples of most things, are within a five minute or less drive (freeway on-ramps both N/S and E/W, 3 gas stations, 3 fast food places, 3 sit down restaurants, YMCA, grocery store, drug store, 3 schools, day care center, 3 churches, medical clinic, parks, nature trails, and well over a dozen more things.
But, once again, that was more work on my part, checking the actual distance to stores & other places & typing everything up to give to the real estate agent and making a poster.
Sheesh. It is like everything always falls on my shoulders, even stuff that the real estate agent could/should be doing.
I was pretty worn out after getting ready for the Open House & my rheumatoid arthritis was acting up and I spent much of Saturday, Sunday & Monday in bed or resting with my feet up. But, of course, I really couldn't completely rest because my husband needs supervision and care.
As I may or may not have mentioned, my husband has shown a significant decline in cognitive functioning in the last two or three weeks. It was so dramatic that even the staff at Brain Stretchers/Adult Day Care mentioned it to me. Last week, at least once a day, he indicated to me in some way that he did not recognize me. Several times he asked if I was his mother, another time he asked if his wife was coming with us when we were leaving our apartment, and other times he just asked who I was. That is pretty disconcerting since we have been married for almost 40 years and dated for 8 years before that. And, he has gotten more confused about other things, too. I had to remove the knobs from the stove & oven as he had all of the burners & the oven on two weeks ago after I went to sleep.
So, we went to his family practice doctor today and she was running a bunch of tests to check everything out physically. It may have been a coincidence, or he come down with a virus, or it could be something worse, this morning. He was shivering and shaking and could barely walk (but not running a fever). He was an absolute mess when we were at the doctor's office. She reminded me that I should be aware that I need to be "checking out care facilities" for the future.
I have been thinking about this.
Quickly downsizing & selling your home of 30 plus years and handling "life" is manageable.
Providing 24/7 supervision and care to a loved one and handling "life" is manageable.
But, quickly downsizing & selling your home of 30 plus years while providing 24/7 supervision and care to a loved one and handling "life" is not manageable.
May 4.
My husband slept most of yesterday and the virus or whatever (all that feeling sick/shivering/shaking) seems to be much better if not almost completely gone.
The doctor just called and all of his blood work and other tests came back normal. I was really hoping that his recent decline in cognitive functioning was due to some type of infection. But, it isn't/wasn't.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Aaaarrrgggg!!!!!! 4-28-2016 6:30 pm
