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Kathryn, keep in mind that even on her best days your mom has not treated you very well. You've posted about her a lot and it sounds like she's always been a handful--demanding, dramatic, bipolar, eating disorder. Add stress, anesthesia and morphine to that and it's a recipe for making her crazier than ever.
If I were you I'd take two giant steps back. I'd compose an email to your kids telling them what is going on and reassuring them that you love her and you love them. Suggest that one of them step up to be the direct contact for your mother until she stops accusing you of things. Sit on the email for a day or two so that you're not writing out of anger. And then resolve to help your father out in any way you can that does not involve direct contact with your mother. Then do it.
Find out from your father what he wants you to do to help with getting your mother home--setting up home health, getting durable medical equipment in place, etc. Tell your siblings, your kids or both to decide who is going to pick her up and get her settled and let them figure it out.
And then go on your vacation and let them deal with it all. You don't have to do everything and at this point no one seems to want you do anything. Be grateful for the respite you'll get because it won't last long.
I agree.
I remember another regular poster who kept "stepping up" when others in her family did not help and they stilled blamed her and criticized her for not doing even more (as I recall). The poster ended up in the hospital herself from a very serious health issue and could have easily died.
Guess what? Her siblings & other relatives were forced to take over all of the things that she had been doing and suddenly they realized that caregiving was not as easy a job as they had imagined.
Seriously, isn't it someone else's turn to be the primary "point person" for your mom?
What if you ended up in the hospital or died? (Hopefully that won't happen, but it could happen). Someone else would have to do it then. Why not start now so that you can have a several week respite from caregiving.
I am VERY sorry Kathryn.
I have been down that same road and wouldnt wish it on anyone .
Yes this was like my mom when she began her descent into dementia .. not Alzheimers in her case just Dementia. I think she had a psychotic break actually and never came back, she too was bi polar all of my life.
Hang IN and take it day by day . Sounds stupid but one day at a time .
OK. Now I think my idea was a bit misplaced. There is one similarity, we are both a pain in the ass, your mother and me.
I always praised my daughters, yet I held them to such high expectations. They had to be perfect students, they had to date the right boys, they had to go into professional careers. When my older daughter was college age, and began to state what she wanted, I was not very supportive, being a teacher was not good enough.
My daughter is a very strong person who has a good life, a loving husband, three great kids, adults now. She is now a public school superintendent, her husband is a company manager. They live well and do not need to depend on me, however, I forget that and am often demanding.
Have been talking to my sister. She reminded me when my father passed on, I had to take over because my mother was not at all an independent woman. This may be why I was such a matriarch; my mother depended on me, as well my sisters and brother. My children were also dependent on me and their father. We were the parents, in that old way, father and mother knows best.
Maybe that is all I have to offer you? As the daughter, maybe your mother envies you in some ways? There comes a time when old persons need to let go and allow the next generation take over.
Ah, I see what you mean now - that makes sense. Thanks for that perspective.
Thanks so much for all the great advice, everyone. Since sfcambridge sort of succinctly said what most everyone else was saying, I'll respond to this post, but it covers a lot of ground:
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Originally Posted by sfcambridge
A few thoughts....
I wish you well.
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1). Take a vacation now, while your Mom has around the clock care.
My husband and I are planning a vacation in about a month. Can't do it sooner due to his work schedule. But my mom should not need care that can't be taken care of without me - then or now for that matter. We're freaking going - not the big vacation to New England (that's later in the year) but we are already planning a vacation to stand on the corner in Winslow, Arizona - such a fine sight to see. Oh and Santa Fe. Should be a nice getaway!
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2). Make an appointment with a therapist for you, with your first visit before you leave for vacation.
I am getting the name of a good friend's life coach tomorrow when we meet for coffee (the friend and me - not the life coach and me). She sounds great. She's a psychologist but I don't know what the difference is between a life coach and a psychologist -maybe nothing. I plan to meet with SOMEONE within the upcoming week or two. Meanwhile...
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3). Read the book "I'm not sick. I don't need help."
Just ordered it and it should be here in three days!
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4) Find your local caregiver support group through NAMI or through the local branch of the Alzheimer's Association. Ideally, go to both groups.
I've been to the intensive 13 week NAMI course for families of mentally ill people already - due to my brother's long and arduous descent into schizophrenia a few years ago. That's all that's being offered here now, so I am in search of some other support group. This is a pretty good area with lots of medical facilities and mental health facilities so I am pretty sure I'll be able to plug in somewhere.
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5) Gently back off from the day to day future caregiving.
I've started doing that - I am now making just daily short visits. Just upbeat, short visits bearing little gifts (tomorrow I am bringing her a pillow from Pier 1 - one she admired in my home, and I just found it on sale today so she should like that). She's busy with physical and occupational therapy anyway so this is a great time to step back.
My dad and I did meet with her caseworker today and brought the medical records from the neuropyschiatrist detailing my mother's issues. It was a very good meeting and she said she had already picked up on "something off" about my mother. It's good to know that they're more aware of the total picture.
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Let your sibs/relatives know that you need to set up a system of monthly visits. Each month, a sib comes from out of town or local and stays for 3 or 4 days. They check in with you to remind them of the checklist: make sure bills are paid, errands/repairs/shopping are done, meds/care plans reviewed, cleaning and socializing etc. You make the list.
Good idea but unfortunately this will never happen. I have two brothers - one lives half way across the country, and the other is in a program for the mentally ill (eight hour drive from here) and there is no way he can check out of that program to come take care of his mentally ill mother! They absolutely would not release him for that duty. I have an adult daughter with four small children who lives an hour away - and she home schools and nurses her youngest, who is just a few months old. I have another daughter who lives out of the country (military family). I have a son who also lives out of the country (military again), and a son who lives a five hour drive away and who is not competent, willing, or able to actually do elder care. And a step son in college five hours away. My mother's sisters - hmmm, one is so severely mentally ill that her daughter (my cousin) is her guardian, one has serious health problems herself, and the other is helping her other sick sister as well as babysitting several grandkids - and they live two hours away.
So...it's my dad and me, and whoever he can afford. Thankfully, money is not a severely limiting issue, though he is not likely to enjoy paying for mundane tasks to be done.
Thankfully my dad is sharp. He is having no problem paying the bills, running errands, shopping, etc. The issue for him is going to be the stress of trying to take care of my mother when she comes home - not the ACTUAL, REAL taking care of her, but the unreasonable demands she is likely to impose on him and expect him to meet.
For instance, today she told her PT that her goals for rehab were to "rest, to take things very slowly, and to be given a wheelchair so that she can get around easily at home." She clearly said that her goals did NOT include cooking, doing laundry - or even bathing herself! I am not kidding! She said repeatedly, "I need a wheelchair so that my husband can take me outside and push me around the neighborhood and get me out of the house." Her PT said, "But your prognosis is that you will leave here using a walker at the most - possibly even just using a cane." She immediately got defensive and said, "But I want a wheelchair - and if my husband can't give me all the help I need, we can hire someone." The PT said, "What I'm trying to tell you is that there is absolutely no indication that you will not be able to go home and go back to doing EVERYTHING you were doing prior to the fall." To which my mother said, "Look, I'm not trying to tell you what to do or criticize you - I'm just telling you what is going to work for me and what I intend to do."
Then the PT said, "But surely you want to be self sufficient," and my dad said, "Right - she gets up two hours or more before I do, and personally I'd like for her to be able to get herself up, make her own coffee, get dressed herself, that sort of thing," and the PT said, "There's no reason why she should not be able to do all of that independently by the time she leaves here," to which my mother instantly said, "But I want to have my husband do things for me, such as bring me coffee - bring me my shoes, that sort of thing." In other words, she wants him to get up at 4 am with her and do all this stuff for her while she sits in a wheelchair!
OMG.
When we left, my mother was arguing with the PT that she didn't want to do any more PT - that she was emotionally drained and overwhelmed and that she just wanted to go lay down. She had at least an hour left. The PT told her, "If you don't finish this today, it will just be added on top of PT tomorrow and you will have an extra hour then."
Prior to this accident, the Easter plan was for my parents to come over to our house since we have a big table and a big yard, and my daughter and her family of husband and four kids were going to come over for Easter dinner and an Easter egg hunt. We were all looking forward to that. Of course, now my mother will not likely be up to coming over here and probably not up to a houseful of company for the whole thing (dinner and then the Easter egg hunt) but I'm sure she will want to see the little kids for awhile and have a bit of joy that day. So I sent my daughter a picture of the cute little rabbit plates I had bought for the kids' table and cute little napkins and said, "Is anyone ready to talk about Easter?" No answer for two days.
So today, I texted her (had already tried to call her but no answer) and said, "Your grandmother may be home but probably won't feel like a full day of Easter festivities, so what are your ideas about Easter? We bought a few things for kid Easter baskets last night but I didn't want to get too involved in any sort of plan without hearing your ideas first."
There was a looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ong wait for a response. Then there was this: "If I were you, I wouldn't make any solid plans."
OK, that's not what I asked. So I said, "I'm not making any plans. I wanted to know your ideas. I'm flexible."
She immediately popped back with, "I was thinking about going to church. I know one thing for sure though - if my grandmother isn't up to it, we won't be coming for Easter. That's my idea."
In other words, "We won't be coming there for Easter with you. It will only be if we can have Easter with your mom. And no, I didn't invite you to come here."
Wow.
So - I am not going to sit around and mope about that. And I'm not about to beg or even ask if I can come spend the afternoon with her or with my grandkids (the grandkids that I've spent every holiday with since they moved here two years ago - the grandkids who regularly come spend the night with me - the grandkids who are totally innocent in all of this). My daughter has clearly made this a Grandmother vs Mother thing for some really weird reason and I'm not going to play that stupid game with her.
I am decorating my house for Easter tomorrow, and I will send the stuff we bought for her kids to my other grandkids (it's not like I can't get more where that came from if she decides to quit whatever it is she's doing). If I have to spend this holiday alone, I can assure you that the loss is hers and her kids' as much as it is mine, which is a shame, but there's not much I can do about it so there you have it.
Good idea but unfortunately this will never happen. I have two brothers - one lives half way across the country, and the other is in a program for the mentally ill (eight hour drive from here) and there is no way he can check out of that program to come take care of his mentally ill mother! They absolutely would not release him for that duty. I have an adult daughter with four small children who lives an hour away - and she home schools and nurses her youngest, who is just a few months old. I have another daughter who lives out of the country (military family). I have a son who also lives out of the country (military again), and a son who lives a five hour drive away and who is not competent, willing, or able to actually do elder care. And a step son in college five hours away. My mother's sisters - hmmm, one is so severely mentally ill that her daughter (my cousin) is her guardian, one has serious health problems herself, and the other is helping her other sick sister as well as babysitting several grandkids - and they live two hours away.
.
Kathryn, seriously think about what would happen if you were completely "out of the picture" for your mother tomorrow. Of course, no one wants that to happen but let's say that it does. Perhaps, you need to go to the hospital or you break your hip or you have to fly to wherever your daughter is in the military for some reason.
Couldn't your brother (the mentally competent one) fly in from wherever he is to help his parents?
Couldn't your daughter take a break from homeschooling her kids so that she could help Grandma & Grandpa? Couldn't her husband take over more responsibilities at home?
Couldn't your aunt give up babysitting her grandkids?
Couldn't the step son come home for spring break to help his grandparents?
Or, perhaps, your dad would hire an agency or a social worker to help him deal with the hospital & rehab staff and questions and handle many of the things that you are doing right now.
Kathryn, I know that I must sound like I am harping on this, but truly there must be other options besides you always being the primary "point person"/ caregiver.
Perhaps, the options are not as convenient for your brother or your aunt or your daughter as youdoing all of the work all of the time but if you always do all of the work is that fair to you? Just think about it.
BTW, I am sorry that your daughter is not speaking to you. IMHO, if she had any idea how difficult it really was to deal with your mother/her grandmother on a regular basis she would be kissing your feet in thanks and singing endless songs of praise for all that you do.
Last edited by germaine2626; 03-08-2016 at 05:32 PM..
Prior to this accident, the Easter plan was for my parents to come over to our house since we have a big table and a big yard, and my daughter and her family of husband and four kids were going to come over for Easter dinner and an Easter egg hunt. We were all looking forward to that. Of course, now my mother will not likely be up to coming over here and probably not up to a houseful of company for the whole thing (dinner and then the Easter egg hunt) but I'm sure she will want to see the little kids for awhile and have a bit of joy that day. So I sent my daughter a picture of the cute little rabbit plates I had bought for the kids' table and cute little napkins and said, "Is anyone ready to talk about Easter?" No answer for two days.
So today, I texted her (had already tried to call her but no answer) and said, "Your grandmother may be home but probably won't feel like a full day of Easter festivities, so what are your ideas about Easter? We bought a few things for kid Easter baskets last night but I didn't want to get too involved in any sort of plan without hearing your ideas first."
There was a looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ong wait for a response. Then there was this: "If I were you, I wouldn't make any solid plans."
OK, that's not what I asked. So I said, "I'm not making any plans. I wanted to know your ideas. I'm flexible."
She immediately popped back with, "I was thinking about going to church. I know one thing for sure though - if my grandmother isn't up to it, we won't be coming for Easter. That's my idea."
In other words, "We won't be coming there for Easter with you. It will only be if we can have Easter with your mom. And no, I didn't invite you to come here."
Wow.
So - I am not going to sit around and mope about that. And I'm not about to beg or even ask if I can come spend the afternoon with her or with my grandkids (the grandkids that I've spent every holiday with since they moved here two years ago - the grandkids who regularly come spend the night with me - the grandkids who are totally innocent in all of this). My daughter has clearly made this a Grandmother vs Mother thing for some really weird reason and I'm not going to play that stupid game with her.
I am decorating my house for Easter tomorrow, and I will send the stuff we bought for her kids to my other grandkids (it's not like I can't get more where that came from if she decides to quit whatever it is she's doing). If I have to spend this holiday alone, I can assure you that the loss is hers and her kids' as much as it is mine, which is a shame, but there's not much I can do about it so there you have it.
I know you want to see your grandkids for Easter, but your daughter just gave you another really good possibility. You need a break, a vacation. You were planning on a little vacation when you mother got hurt. So go and do that vacation NOW! Stay away on vacation through Easter. Visit another set of grandkids or go wherever you were planning before your mother got hurt.
Long term, maybe you should let your daughter take the lead with your mother and just back away from the situation. Go and visit her on rare occasions, but be the support your father needs. Meet him for lunch, whatever.
With elderly folks they can really focus on favoring one person and always 'disfavoring' another person. So, let your mom favor your daughter. Let your daughter take that guidance/helper role for your mother. Let her stay up all night at the hospital. You can volunteer to watch the grandkids as she deals with your mother...when the time comes. Right now your daughter is liking the role as the one favored by your mother--LET HER.
You have already done more than your share with your in-laws. Walk away when your help is not wanted and put your efforts into the relationships that you enjoy, not those that frustrate you.
And eventually your daughter will want you to take the grandkids--she will want the break, just give her the time to get to that point. In the mean time do the other things that you enjoy, and make yourself scare to those family members that cause you pain.
She immediately popped back with, "I was thinking about going to church. I know one thing for sure though - if my grandmother isn't up to it, we won't be coming for Easter. That's my idea."
In other words, "We won't be coming there for Easter with you. It will only be if we can have Easter with your mom. And no, I didn't invite you to come here." <snip>
Good lord, she reminds me of a vindictive parent who uses her children for her own selfish needs. (Sorry, I'm sure you love your daughter and all will be o.k. in due time.)
That said, call and ask if you can speak to your grandchildren. If not now, then on Easter morning. Send their gifts to their home. Don't acquiesce to your daughter's childish behavior and please remind her that she is using her children to hurt you. (Of course, I'd probably go further and tell her to pull up her big girl panties and remind her that this ISN'T ABOUT HER, blah blah blah).
I'm sorry you're going through this. TBH, I'm really angry on your behalf.
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I plan to meet with SOMEONE within the upcoming week or two. Meanwhile...
