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Please for your own sake go make an appointment. I remember reading back through many of your posts before and see where you could use some guidance. I know this post will do no good, but it is meant with kindness. I see what you are going through and sorry for it all, do try to see from an objective stance many things you said about your inlaws before you had to take care of them, and see how it all might look to your kids with now your Mom. I remember telling you a long time ago in a post kindness goes a long way. I know life has been hard, sorry for your losses, all you have been through. It must not have been easy. You did the best you felt could be proud of that and move forward. Each day we should strive to be better then we were yesterday.
Deep down something has to change and you are the only one that can do it for you. All the rest aside take care of yourself, but it is now best for someone else to handle your Mom and her money and health. For her sake and yours, but she is the one needing healing at the moment, let her have it in peace. Then you will have your peace as well. We are all responsible for our attitude and behavior, as well as empathy to others. Blessings to you.
Oh, I'm totally out of the caregiver position - voluntarily - for her sake as well as mine. In fact, I refuse to be dragged back into it. My parents have the means to hire the help they need, thankfully.
And I have never, EVER handled or tried to handle my mother's money, just for the record - and don't want that and don't want the responsibility. In fact, I pray to God that it never comes to that point, that my dad remains in good health long past the time my mom has on this earth (maybe that's bad to wish for but it's just the truth).
And I agree totally with your assessment that something has to change and it has to be me since I can't change others (I think that's what you meant - correct me if I'm wrong). For the past three days, I've said nothing "pressing" or critical about her healthcare, her therapy, or her cooperation or lack thereof. She tried to get me to engage in a conversation today about her reasons for not eating the lunch they brought her, and all I said was, "Hey, it's your appetite, your meal, your choice!" and then just changed the subject. She ate about 1/3 of her meal. I said nothing one way or the other. She didn't want to go to PT after the meeting with the caseworker - at that point I just said, "Well, hey, gotta go - y'all can surely figure this out without me! Love you, Mom, bye!" and I meant it. I don't know whether or not she finished it and I'm not going to ask her about it. Her choice, her life - not mine.
I know that's a departure from my first post, but I was in great dismay about the trajectory this was, and still may be, taking. I was in grief about watching my mother behaving exactly as my MIL was three years ago - the spectre of the horribly sad death my MIL suffered is not one I wish for my own mother, or anyone else, and my ranting post was out of fear and sadness and grief and frustration. But I've had time to think it over, listen to the advice of others in real life and on this forum, read some information and refresh my memory on personal boundaries, expectations, responsibilities, and I'm in a much better frame of mind.
For the record, I agree with most of your post - maybe all of it.
So I guess that you are being 'punished" for not taking care of grandmother correctly? Why can't the daughter who is homeschooling bring the kids along with her while she takes care of your mother? Surely the children can work on their lessons while she sees to grandmothers every need. Why are you the one who is always inconvenienced? I know that this is your mother and you are "supposed" to take care of her but other members of the family(who are not out of the country or ill) can step up as well. It is inconvenient and hard to take care of an elderly parent while trying to live your life as well. Maybe if your daughter tried it for a while, she would begin to understand how hard it is.
Well, to clarify, no one really needs to take care of my mom right now. She's in about two weeks of rehab and is very well taken care of all day physically. We could literally never go up there and she'd have all her physical needs met, so that's not an issue, thank goodness.
I just think it's the right thing to do to go up there and visit her at lunch each day. it's not even that far of a drive. I've been able to keep it short and sweet the past three days or so and I feel fine about this.
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I don't know what to say about your mother insisting that her elderly husband do things for her that she is capable of doing herself. It really is selfish and shortsighted. Are the children going to be angry at Grandfather because he is not taking care of his wife the way they think that she should be treated?
Yep, probably so. And yes, her behavior in that regard is selfish and short sighted. She is a mentally ill woman with early stage dementia. I don't really have high expectations regarding her mind set, frankly. But apparently my kids think she's just a weak, frightened, hurt, defenseless grandmother that we're being too hard on.
They would be furious with that PT staff if they could see them in action, I guess.
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Enjoy your trip. Maybe you can encourage your father to take a mini vacation as well- all this stress can't be good for him.
It's not good for him. But he told me tonight in no uncertain terms that he is NOT going to get roped into doing physically demanding, or emotionally unhealthy chores for her when he knows that she is capable of doing them herself. And I believe him. He can't physically do it. He knows it will be bad for his health, and I think he is pretty strong on this. I hope so.
I just jumped in from your first post,reading a few others, and here. You're Mom is an USER and is abusing you mentally and emotionally. I get the feeling this has been going on a long time and not just recently. I also feel that she is mentally ill from seeing her change from range and unreasonable to oh how nice. No, something is really wrong with her, and it's certainly not normal behaviour. She made it quite clear she doesn't want your help. No matter what you do you will be wrong. Believe it.
Personally, I would step away. Let the kids handle her. Let them get her at home help. I am more worried about you than I am her at this point.
Caregivers have a huge load on their shoulders and sometimes they don't see it. The stress alone can and will give you a heart attack. I don't think you can handle what is and has been going on any longer.
Please get your own help to cope with what has been happening to your Mom and how you have been treated. Stop feeling you have to be responsible for what happens her. It's killing you.
Easter is really not about us as the real reason of 40 days of Lent.
I understand the theological importance of Easter, and it's important to me from a spiritual perspective. But I also understand the fun of spending an afternoon at an Easter egg hunt with several generations gathered together. I think both aspects are important but I am not going to be crying in my beer if I don't have both.
I just jumped in from your first post,reading a few others, and here. You're Mom is an USER and is abusing you mentally and emotionally. I get the feeling this has been going on a long time and not just recently. I also feel that she is mentally ill from seeing her change from range and unreasonable to oh how nice. No, something is really wrong with her, and it's certainly not normal behaviour. She made it quite clear she doesn't want your help. No matter what you do you will be wrong. Believe it.
Personally, I would step away. Let the kids handle her. Let them get her at home help. I am more worried about you than I am her at this point.
Caregivers have a huge load on their shoulders and sometimes they don't see it. The stress alone can and will give you a heart attack. I don't think you can handle what is and has been going on any longer.
Please get your own help to cope with what has been happening to your Mom and how you have been treated. Stop feeling you have to be responsible for what happens her. It's killing you.
Yes. My mother is a train wreck. This is why I HAVE stepped back and have only been visiting her around lunch time. When she gets home, as she so succinctly puts it every chance she gets, she and my father "can well afford" to have help come in. She absolutely does not need my help and as for my visits, I'm just not getting involved in any discussions with her about her choices. I've said what I needed to say and now it's up to her.
I am not going to get embroiled in her daily care because she simply doesn't need my help, thank goodness.
Your mom sounds like a piece of work. When someone treats you poorly you should not feel an obligation to go back for more. Go visit a counselor and get some tools to protect yourself.
This time doing the right thing is taking care of yourself.
You need some mini vacations with your husband. Even if they are just fun road trips, you both need to just get away from the stress of the never ending saga. Take care.
There was a looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ong wait for a response. Then there was this: "If I were you, I wouldn't make any solid plans."
OK, that's not what I asked. So I said, "I'm not making any plans. I wanted to know your ideas. I'm flexible."
She immediately popped back with, "I was thinking about going to church. I know one thing for sure though - if my grandmother isn't up to it, we won't be coming for Easter. That's my idea."
In other words, "We won't be coming there for Easter with you. It will only be if we can have Easter with your mom. And no, I didn't invite you to come here."
Wow.
I think she is attempting to stand her ground by doing this. She wants you do know she is not going along with you, not because she disapproves of you, rather she wants you to validate her.
I do not think you need any outside professional help, you have support, as I see, and you a doing fine with all these relationship issues.
Your mom sounds like a piece of work. When someone treats you poorly you should not feel an obligation to go back for more. Go visit a counselor and get some tools to protect yourself.
This time doing the right thing is taking care of yourself.
You need some mini vacations with your husband. Even if they are just fun road trips, you both need to just get away from the stress of the never ending saga. Take care.
We are planning two trips this year - a smaller one out to Santa Fe and a larger one driving up the northeast coast from Boston to Maine. We're very excited!
I'm getting the name of a counselor and setting up the appointment tomorrow. I am already a lot better though mentally just by writing it out and thinking it all through. I think the whole thing just really caught me off guard initially and I wasn't thinking straight due to dismay about the situation, and fatigue.
I'm honestly more sad about the situation with my daughter than I am my mom at this point - and I'm more ticked off than sad, if you want to know the truth.
I think she is attempting to stand her ground by doing this. She wants you do know she is not going along with you, not because she disapproves of you, rather she wants you to validate her.
I do not think you need any outside professional help, you have support, as I see, and you a doing fine with all these relationship issues.
Thanks for the vote of confidence! I am thinking just a counselor, not a psychiatrist or psychologist and not for any sort of prescription. Heck I may just reread some books about boundaries and taking responsibility for only our own actions - I need a refresher course apparently!
That includes my relationship with my daughter. I don't need an argument with her so she's going to have to carry both sides of it if she's inclined to throw down the gauntlet. I'm not picking it up. Ain't nobody got time fo dat!
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