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If you can afford it, put all her stuff in bonded storage to be sorted "keep v not keep" when she has had a decent interval to get back to her normal self. Many widows lament later about things they wish they still had. When someone dies the survivors are in a funk for at least a year. Sometimes decisions made in haste, because there is no other option, are regretted terribly in the following year when the fog lifts.
Kara - you simply have to have a family meeting. Otherwise you will be amazed at what people are likely to assume - as in, "Mom will live with you - what's the problem, she'll be helping with the kids!" They may justify dumping the entire responsibility of your Mom right into your lap, because "you have the room."
Beware the "too expensive" assumptions. Yes, assisted living and any form of nursing type home will be expensive.
However, there are senior apartments with all kinds of living situations like condo-like, apartments, shared living arrangements, etc. My mom has a first floor large one bedroom with great storage, full kitchen, great maintenance team (due to size of whole complex), activities, scheduled bus service, etc. for $800 a month. On the bus she can got to a variety of large stores, the best mall, doctor visits, etc. She can arrange for home delivery of groceries and any home health needs for additional $$. We feel so comfortable that she is there.
While looking, we found a number of these apartment complexes. It depends on where you live and often the subsidized units (mom is not in one of these) require application and getting on the waiting lists. Something to do sooner rather than later.
Good points.
In my medium size Midwestern hometown there were several places that had "subsidized, low income housing for seniors" with very short waiting lists (two to six months). One of my elderly aunts only had $900 in SS so she qualified for a private, one bedroom apartment, full kitchen & full bathroom with all utilities paid for only $300 a month. She could have moved into a different place, with a private room, and a 3/4th bath (shower but not a tub) and three meals a day for the same price.
I have read that in some cities, the waiting lists can be ten years long, but in my hometown they were only a few months long. So, check it out and you & Mom may be pleasantly surprised.
That happened to a friend of mine. The wife's mom & dad moved in "for a couple of weeks" after they sold their house, in another state, to give them time to find a new place. They expected my friend and her husband to pay ALL of their bills, buy ALL of their food, play ALL of their expenses when the group went to restaurants or on vacations, etc. etc. Even though they had just sold their house for $200,000 plus had other savings.
At first it was not a problem, even though it was a huge financial struggle for the couple, because the parents were only planning to stay for a short time. But after months and months and years of saying that "they did not have any money" it was pretty frustrating.
But, Mom & Dad did find the money to buy terrible expensive gifts for the grandchildren that they did not live with like a new car and new computers and paying a few semesters of college tuition, but claimed that they "did not have any money to buy the grandchildren that they lived with the same presents and gave them nothing at all.
Mom & Dad treated their daughter & SIL, who they lived with & did everything for them, like absolutely crap and thought that their other daughter who only came to visit them one weekend every few years (even through she & her family vacationed all around the US & world each year) was their "favorite", the "golden child".
There is A LOT more to this story, but, the caregiver sister felt awfully taken advantage of, and really regretted that she did not ask her parents for money to pay their expenses when they moved it. But, she & her family thought that it would only be a few weeks not several years.
But, every family is different, so do what you think is best. OP, I know that your mom does not have a lot of money, but I would watch for her spending it all on the other siblings & other grandchildren, while expecting you and hubby to pay all of her bills.
That is another reason for a family meeting, because I would not be surprised if some of your siblings may expect you to have mom move in, and stay forever, for free.
Good luck.
Quote:
Originally Posted by seain dublin
Well how come your friend never said "Hold the show, you just sold your house for $200,000, you didn't buy another one or even rent one, you have money, you sold your house".
This wasn't a case of parents being evicted out a one bedroom apt. due to non payment of rent.
Did your friend and their spouse not have a tongue in their head? They played a big role in this.
Clearly it wasn't a caregiving situation as you stated they were traveling on vacations and eating out in restaurants.
Can't have too much empathy for people who let someone(family or not) pull something like this.
Yes, my friends were they idiots and they readily admitted it later. It was one of those "perfect storm" situations. Since my friends thought it was just going to be "a couple weeks" they did not set up clear rules and boundaries at the very beginning. Plus their siblings laid a HUGE guilt trip on them "What!?!? You expect Mom & Dad to contribute money to running your house ?!?!? I would never do that. You are a selfish, non-caring daughter!".
And, the parents, as well as their aunts & uncles, put an even bigger guilt trip on them. "We NEVER asked our parents to pay anything when they visited our homes!". but, that was the whole point. The grandparents of my friend never lived with an adult child providing limited caregiving towards them, just visited once or twice a year for a week long vacation when they were completely healthy and independent.
It was one of those situations where the parents needed some help (they ended up moving into assisted living but probably could have started out in independent living right after the sol their house) but not a lot of help. They did not go on vacations by themselves by with my friend & her family who could provide assistance when needed.
Yes, what a mess (and that does not even count the part where the "Golden Girl and her kids received a larger part of the estate after the parents both passed away, completely forgetting all of the previous gifts an the years that the parents lived for free with my friend and her family). But, I would not be surprised but this type of thing goes on a lot more often than you think and people do not talk about it to their friends.
Last edited by germaine2626; 02-20-2017 at 07:32 PM..
Now that your father is gone, things could go downhill fast with your mom's physical and mental health. A move is not going to help things.
Does she want to stay in the house? Does she want to leave it? If what she wants is to move out, I agree that one move to an elder community close to you is a good idea. But if she doesn't want to move out, maybe your family could move in with her? That way she gets to stay in her home.
About half of Americans live paycheck to paycheck so they don't have any real savings. Many count on their pension or social security. Some people also have to stop working younger than they expected due to health issues. People can make all the plans they want, but all it takes is one major medical issue to wipe out your savings. We discovered this a couple of years ago when my husband was taken by ambulance to the ER and then went back to the ER again a few days later. His bills were over $20,000. Our insurance didn't cover all of it....we were stuck with several thousands in bills.
Most Americans don't have a few thousand dollars saved for emergencies? I know I am naive but I don't know anyone who lives that way.
My husband and I did not come from monied backgrounds. We were so afraid of being old and poor we always saved like mad so we could be comfortable in our retirement. There's nothing worse than being old and poor because you have so few resources to change that. We have now have more money in retirement than we had at any time in our lives because of our savings and investments and compound interest!
I feel so bad for everyone here who is elderly and without savings and resources. It's so difficult to be in that position.
Okay, that brings up another question, if she sells the house, what about the medical bills that they may still have? I know there's no judgments. Her total bill from her heart attacks was over a million, dad had some minor things done. I have no idea what balances they have left after medicare and their supplemental policies.
I can do this, I can do this....
She may well have no balances if they had medicare and supplement insurance. We're in that situation and we rarely have any medical bills to pay despite having had cancer twice, surgeries, and heart problems.
Kara, I am assuming you are married since you are referring to "we". How does your husband feel about your mother moving in? Temporarily is one thing, but as others have said, be aware that temporary can change into permanent. Then you have another scenario altogether.
I agree with the necessity of a family meeting to discuss your mother's situation. Who will pay your mother's bills when her money runs out? Who will cover for you when you go on vacation? Who will be available to participate in doctor visits, hospitalization, etc.? If you want your privacy back, who will chip in for assisted living if the cost is beyond your mother's income? Is the family willing to do that?
I have friends who found out quite quickly that whoever the parent lives with generally becomes increasingly responsible for the elderly patent's ongoing health and care. It can cause problems within the family even though everyone originally starts out helpful.
I know you are all still in shock but try to learn from others and think ahead. Your own health and marriage will thank you.
My husband is fine with her moving in. This was something we discussed years ago, before we got married. If he wasn't, we wouldn't be doing it. Our kids are grown and out, although a couple have boomeranged in and out, so we are used to family coming and staying awhile.
Hopefully she'll sell the house and after paying the bills, have a decent nest egg to live on, besides the social security.
Right now there are no health issues. We live next to a hospital and a row of medical offices, so she will need new doctors while she's here.
That's awesome. I think my mother would have like that a lot. My grandmother enjoyed greatly living in independent living but the place did more for the residents and therefore cost more. I wasn't thinking about senior complexes for people who don't need any assistance but get to have the benefits you described here.
Maybe we don't have them here, IDK. My grandmother really didn't need much help at first, but all the places here were sky-high.
She paid a lot in AZ but everywhere here was twice as much. She chose this place which was amazing. The price includes utilities, light housekeeping once a week, two meals a day, IIRC, basic cable, she could go to the dining room or pay $2 for the meal to be brought to her, I actually wanted to live there! Of course they were built to accommodate wheelchairs and such - big wide doors for scooters and to get into the shower. I don't remember what else brought the cost up from a complex that is just made for seniors. I just remember I saw the value of it for those who could afford and actually $2100/month is not a lot for eveything they get some people just don't have that amount.
Now that your father is gone, things could go downhill fast with your mom's physical and mental health. A move is not going to help things.
Does she want to stay in the house? Does she want to leave it? If what she wants is to move out, I agree that one move to an elder community close to you is a good idea. But if she doesn't want to move out, maybe your family could move in with her? That way she gets to stay in her home.
No one can move in with her. She says she wants to move, that she hates being in the house because of the memories. She is alone. I am worried for her health too, afraid she will stress herself into another heart attack and no one will be there. Dad didn't leave her side for the last 2 years. He wouldn't want her alone.
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