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I just don't know people like that but I must admit all of our friends are professionals with decent jobs. I would freak out if my kids didn't have enough money saved to handle an emergency. Of course we could help them but I'm fairly certain they save money and can cover their own emergencies. They're in their early 30's and so far have never needed to ask us for anything although we would always be happy to help them or friends if they were in a bind and needed money.
Even though your friends are professionals with great jobs, I bet that many of the people that you interact with each and every day, such as salesclerks, day care teachers, small business owners, office staff, delivery people, mechanics, cleaning people, aides as well as many people who may have higher paying jobs such as, police officers, teachers, nurses, etc. etc. have it pretty bad.
And, don't be too sure that your children would ask you for help if they needed it.
We recently discussed this topic among a group of friends, and almost all of us parents, with children in their 20s or 30s discovered, or were told, long after the situation had passed that one or more of our adult children had a financial emergency and did not ask for help. Some were simple and brief such as having to go without or with limited food for a while (or use a food bank), not being able to pay for a car repair resulting in them having to get rides or walk or bike or bus to work for weeks, not being able to go to the dentist or eye doctor for months or not be able to pay other important bills.
Even though your friends are professionals with great jobs, I bet that many of the people that you interact with each and every day, such as salesclerks, day care teachers, small business owners, office staff, delivery people, mechanics, cleaning people, aides as well as many people who may have higher paying jobs such as, police officers, teachers, nurses, etc. etc. have it pretty bad.
And, don't be too sure that your children would ask you for help if they needed it.
We recently discussed this topic among a group of friends, and almost all of us parents, with children in their 20s or 30s discovered, or were told, long after the situation had passed that one or more of our adult children had a financial emergency and did not ask for help. Some were simple and brief such as having to go without or with limited food for a while (or use a food bank), not being able to pay for a car repair resulting in them having to get rides or walk or bike or bus to work for weeks, not being able to go to the dentist or eye doctor for months or not be able to pay other important bills.
I know my kids would ask because they asked before, when they were in college, and new college graduates. One son asked for help with wedding and honeymoon and we were happy to help.
Unless my kids were out of work for an extended period, I can't imagine my kids living like that, that poor, and if they were, they'd come to us and/or their in laws for help. Fortunately they both have high demand and high paying skills. But should they need our help we'd be there for them without question and they know that.
Why wouldn't kids ask their parents for help? Are all their parents too poor to help? Or is their relationship with their parents so bad they don't dare ask? That's really sad that those kids had to live like that and were afraid to ask for help.
I should probably add that I live in the wealthiest county in the nation, and one of the fastest growing, where the federal government keeps us all humming along either through direct employment or one of the hundreds, if not thousands, of businesses who are tied to the federal government with contracts. You can't toss a rock here without hitting a lawyer. Many engineers too. Unemployment here is about 3%. Everyone who wants a job has one and 'help wanted' signs are on most businesses. So my view of how people are doing is probably very skewed.
Of course that doesn't mean there aren't people here who are struggling. I'm sure there are, but perhaps fewer than in less affluent areas.
Even though your friends are professionals with great jobs, I bet that many of the people that you interact with each and every day, such as salesclerks, day care teachers, small business owners, office staff, delivery people, mechanics, cleaning people, aides as well as many people who may have higher paying jobs such as, police officers, teachers, nurses, etc. etc. have it pretty bad.
And, don't be too sure that your children would ask you for help if they needed it.
We recently discussed this topic among a group of friends, and almost all of us parents, with children in their 20s or 30s discovered, or were told, long after the situation had passed that one or more of our adult children had a financial emergency and did not ask for help. Some were simple and brief such as having to go without or with limited food for a while (or use a food bank), not being able to pay for a car repair resulting in them having to get rides or walk or bike or bus to work for weeks, not being able to go to the dentist or eye doctor for months or not be able to pay other important bills.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BrassTacksGal
I know my kids would ask because they asked before, when they were in college, and new college graduates. One son asked for help with wedding and honeymoon and we were happy to help.
Once again, IMHO, you are assuming that all children are like your children and all people are like you and have your advantages.
Also, IMHO, there is a difference between children who are in school and very recent graduates and adults in their 20s and 30s.
Among friends of mine that are close enough to discuss such issues, NONE, not even one, of our adult children asked for help to pay for honeymoon expenses. All, of our adult children felt that if they were old enough to get married they were old enough to pay for their own honeymoon. Is that wrong? Is that right? Neither, just different for different families. I have read that in some families or cultures it is traditional for the parents to pay for the honeymoon. But, not among anyone who I know, or who mentioned it to me.
Regarding wedding expenses, now that varied. In almost all cases, the bride & groom paid for the majority of the expenses themselves. Now, most of the parents chipped in for a few specific expenses, such as the groom's family paying for all, or part, of the rehearsal dinner and/or the bar bill. Some parents paid for the wedding gown, or bought the cake or flowers or contributed a specific amount towards the wedding. I have read that some parents pay for their adult child's entire wedding. Is that wrong? Is that right? Neither, just different for different families.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BrassTacksGal
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Unless my kids were out of work for an extended period, I can't imagine my kids living like that, that poor, and if they were, they'd come to us and/or their in laws for help. Fortunately they both have high demand and high paying skills. But should they need our help we'd be there for them without question and they know that.
Once again, you are assuming that many/most adult children in their 20s and 30s have "high demand and high paying skills" and that is not always the case. Among my group of long time friends, who all hold or held professional jobs only a small percentage of our children in that age range have "high paying jobs" and most of the ones with relatively high paying jobs are still paying off substantial student loans that helped them get those "high paying jobs". Now, that may be completely different among other groups of people. Is that wrong? Is that right? Neither, just different for different families.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BrassTacksGal
Why wouldn't kids ask their parents for help? Are all their parents too poor to help? Or is their relationship with their parents so bad they don't dare ask? That's really sad that those kids had to live like that and were afraid to ask for help.
All I can speak for are my friends, or co-workers, who have discussed this with me. Usually, the children did not ask, even if their parents have the money, because they felt that as adults (albeit youngish adults) it was their responsibility to solve their own problems and not go running to Mommy and Daddy for help. It was not that they were afraid to ask, it was more that they felt that they wanted to "stand on their own two feet" and handle the issues on their own. Is that wrong? Is that right? Neither, just different for different families.
I am sure that can be very different in different families and probably very different in different cultures.
Now, when it is a very serious problem, or a long-term problem, or major problem, yes these same children have asked for help from their parents, but the things that I mentioned (needing to use food banks for a while, not being able to afford to get their car fixed immediately, putting off unessential health issues -like teeth cleaning or getting new glasses) were considered minor issues and the adult children wanted to solve the problems themselves. Normally, that meant getting a second job, or saving the money by scrimping/ cutting down on expenses/saving or waiting until they had a raise.
Now, for something major, such a young child (the grandchild) needing surgery or having a serious medical issue that the parents can not afford or in one case to help pay for the medical expenses and later help pay for the funeral expenses of a young child, yes, in more than one case the adult child has immediately asked for help from the parent/grandparent/others.
OP, I sincerely apologize for getting off the topic of the thread.
Last edited by germaine2626; 02-21-2017 at 01:30 AM..
Uh, no. Mom or OP can notify the creditors but if the debts are all in Dad's name and there is little left in the estate (which is what it sounds like) the creditors may get nothing. Prior to paying his bills, there are other estate expenses, such as reimbursing the children who contributed to the burial costs, personal representative and attorney fees, then perhaps medical care, etc. that will take priority over other debts. Obviously it would be useful to know the state in which the estate is located but OP has not yet shared that information. In general, the rules for prioritizing the debts in the order in which they are to be paid are similar among the non-community property states. I sure as heck would not encourage the OP to pay credit card debts or other debts with low priority when there will likely be insufficient funds in her father's estate to cover all of his debt. If the Personal Representative pays the debts out of order leaving insufficient funds to cover the prioritized debts, she can be held personally responsible for paying the debts that would have been paid had she followed the law.
Agreed. This whole no need of probate, when there are debts is confusing me.
Sure, I get that the house was titled in such a way to pass to the spouse. However, generally speaking no estate assets pass on to inheiritors until the estate is settled..?
So again, not sure how house could be sold if the estate isn't actually settled?
I should probably add that I live in the wealthiest county in the nation, and one of the fastest growing, where the federal government keeps us all humming along either through direct employment or one of the hundreds, if not thousands, of businesses who are tied to the federal government with contracts. You can't toss a rock here without hitting a lawyer. Many engineers too. Unemployment here is about 3%. Everyone who wants a job has one and 'help wanted' signs are on most businesses. So my view of how people are doing is probably very skewed.
Of course that doesn't mean there aren't people here who are struggling. I'm sure there are, but perhaps fewer than in less affluent areas.
I find it fascinating that you were unaware that most families do not have significant savings and high incomes like you and your friends do.
Maybe the federal government should spread out and employ more good folks in flyover country.
Then again, it was the federal government that took control of my dad's employer a few years ago and stripped many of his retiree benefits, including $35,000 in life insurance, that was irreplaceable at any price at his age. That money could have given my mom some more time and choices.
Agreed. This whole no need of probate, when there are debts is confusing me.
Sure, I get that the house was titled in such a way to pass to the spouse. However, generally speaking no estate assets pass on to inheiritors until the estate is settled..?
So again, not sure how house could be sold if the estate isn't actually settled?
Talked with my brother and agreed that I'll get with mom and go through all the money stuff, then we'll go to an attorney to make sure we're doing everything correctly and see what we need to update.
I know my kids would ask because they asked before, when they were in college, and new college graduates. One son asked for help with wedding and honeymoon and we were happy to help.
Unless my kids were out of work for an extended period, I can't imagine my kids living like that, that poor, and if they were, they'd come to us and/or their in laws for help. Fortunately they both have high demand and high paying skills. But should they need our help we'd be there for them without question and they know that.
Why wouldn't kids ask their parents for help? Are all their parents too poor to help? Or is their relationship with their parents so bad they don't dare ask? That's really sad that those kids had to live like that and were afraid to ask for help.
I am sure there are many reasons why young adult children don't ask their parents for help.
I think it is great your children have high demand and high paying jobs and maybe it is just the states that I have lived in or even the areas I have lived and the industry that is available, but I think there are quite a few more young adults who struggle then you think. We live in a southern state and factory work is the mainstay around here and most jobs top out of about $20 a hour, teachers salaries are low and most families both parents work full time jobs, some work a full time and a part time. Of course housing and taxes are substantially less than where you are.
The whole reason my mother lives with me is that she and my father were ill prepared for old age, my father was blue collar worker with only a high school education and when he worked he made decent money but had no retirement and so when he was forced to retire due to vision loss, he took his SS at 62 and they made do with that, not sure how, but they did. Then 10 years later when my mother turned 62, she drew half of what he drew and they had a little more money but NEVER enough to sufficiently plan for the future. When my Dad died 5 years ago, she lost the SS that she had been drawing and was just able to draw his, I haven't quite figured out how anyone can think that $1300 a month is sufficient to live on. Then when she got sick, I was the one with the most room and the one that would actually make sure she was getting health care that she needed, not to mention, we have better health care professionals where we live then where she did. So the hard decision was made to bring her to live with us, some days it is okay, other days it is the hardest thing I have ever done.
There was property involved that was inherited by my Dad but property values are so low, that even if is sold, it would provide very little extra income for my mother.
She does give us a little money each month to help offset her living expenses but it is nothing compared to what she had to pay in living expenses living back in Texas on her own.
Sadly this trend that children are taking care of their elderly parents in their homes is not going away, when you have a parent who had nothing but SS, medicare and could potentially qualify for medicaid, it doesn't get you an upscale nursing home. While I think my mother would benefit greatly from living in a step down assisted living situation, it is not financially feasible for her or us. So we like many other families do the best we can and make do.
Talked with my brother and agreed that I'll get with mom and go through all the money stuff, then we'll go to an attorney to make sure we're doing everything correctly and see what we need to update.
I doubt creditors can open an estate on their own. They can slap liens on her house or take her to court. Everything behaves as it usually does outside of the probate process.
I'm skeptical she had an outstanding million dollar medical bill. Maybe they had dropped medical coverage because of financial troubles. My dad had refused to get Medicare B which contributed to higher outstanding bills.
I doubt creditors can open an estate on their own. They can slap liens on her house or take her to court. Everything behaves as it usually does outside of the probate process.
I'm skeptical she had an outstanding million dollar medical bill. Maybe they had dropped medical coverage because of financial troubles. My dad had refused to get Medicare B which contributed to higher outstanding bills.
No, she doesn't owe a million dollars, that was the total amount billed for two hospitalizations.
But who can slap a lien on the family home? Wouldn't there need to be some sort of notice or hearing first? It's unsecured debts, credit cards and signature loans, maybe medical bills.
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