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You would NOT be criminally charged with your mother's bad decisions unless she had been deemed incompetent and you declared her guardian. APS would LOVE for someone else to take charge, and they ask for people's family to do just that. Perhaps that's how is should be, but is it not how it HAS to be. But you cannot hold yourself to be POA, and NOT have a MORAL obligation to do the best for her that you can.
Pardon the crude terms, I've had some wine, "Poop or get off the pot". Either you want your Mother to have care, or you don't care. Do what needs to be done, financially or otherwise. If she won't cooperate, and she is OBVIOUSLY declining, get her doctor (and a back-up, and a judge if need-be) to declare her incapable to make her own decisions and make them FOR HER.
If your mother can no longer open her door, she is at great risk. What if the house caught on fire? What if she needs to leave the house for some other urgent reason? This, alone, indicates her inability to continue live alone safely.
You have received good advice here. I am so sorry that you and your mother are dealing with this, but it sounds as if it is increasingly apparent that her abilities have declined severely - they will continue to do so. However, you can make sure that she is safe, well-provided for, and better off in general by taking advantage of some of the assistance that is available.
Without going into too much detail, my mother was remarkably similar to yours. And she absolutely refused to have a caregiver come into the house. Wouldn't consider a nursing home, etc. Eventually, her mental state was such that she made references to killing herself and that was the wedge we needed. She spent a short period of time involuntarily committed to a geriatric psych unit, and from there she moved into the nursing home part of the facility. She went downhill very, very quickly and died about a year later. But at least we knew she was being looked-after at last.
The first thing I would do is force her to live downstairs. You can set it up like a bedroom. Assuming there's a powder room, at least.
Until I could get her out.
I would be SO FURIOUS with that brother I'd spend the time to do an audit on her finances the past 7 years or whatever and threaten him.
Because her spending down her money to him makes her potentially medicaid ineligible in a certain period of time and if she outlives whatever money/equity she has.
I'd get a lawyer to make his life miserable. He's not useless he's borderline criminal and maybe technically criminal, too.
What are your mother's finances? Do you have the ability to pay for in-home care from her accounts? If she is not able to get out of her house on her own it's time for full in-home care or long-term care outside of the home as she is not safe. You are not alone. I have dealt with this with my mother-in-law and own parents and it's tough. I am not sure why this specific generation is so obsessed with staying in their own homes to the detriment of their own safety and their loved ones own lives but it's a trend.
Yep it is - same thing with my mother. She's all alone in a 3 bedroom 2 1/2 bath house with a pool. She uses the kitchen and her bedroom which has a sitting area. She never goes in the living room, dining room, two spare bedrooms or even the pool but she refuses to leave "her" house despite the fact that she can no longer afford to live there since my step-father died. She's taken a reverse mortgage and uses her credit card for everything just to be able to survive since she only gets $1300 a month in Social Security.
Yep it is - same thing with my mother. She's all alone in a 3 bedroom 2 1/2 bath house with a pool. She uses the kitchen and her bedroom which has a sitting area. She never goes in the living room, dining room, two spare bedrooms or even the pool but she refuses to leave "her" house despite the fact that she can no longer afford to live there since my step-father died. She's taken a reverse mortgage and uses her credit card for everything just to be able to survive since she only gets $1300 a month in Social Security.
Yes, this is how it is with my family too. My grandparents' generation seemed more realistic and would often be willing to at least downsize to something that would be more liveable. There comes a time when your house stops serving you and you instead are serving it (needing to do yard and house maintenance, pool, etc) not to mention the costs all associated. But as it is a lot of my family (aunts and uncles) are determined to stay in their multiple-level homes no matter what. I get wanting to stay in your house but when it is not working for you as far as a bathroom with good access or location where your family doesn't have to sacrifice their own lives to help you, it's time to consider something else.
I was actually told by someone at Adult Protective Services (useless, btw) that if I have POA and something happens to her, it's on me.
I had POAs for both my parents and never heard this. I would call back and ask to speak to a supervisor.
The other thing I would do ASAP is contact an attorney who specializes in elder care law. He or she will be able to help you sort through this and do whatever need to be done to protect your mother's remaining assets.
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"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Coloradomom22
What are your mother's finances? Do you have the ability to pay for in-home care from her accounts? If she is not able to get out of her house on her own it's time for full in-home care or long-term care outside of the home as she is not safe. You are not alone. I have dealt with this with my mother-in-law and own parents and it's tough. I am not sure why this specific generation is so obsessed with staying in their own homes to the detriment of their own safety and their loved ones own lives but it's a trend.
I don't agree with the bolded part.
In my observation, this generation of middle aged people are unprecedented in forcing their aging parents out of their homes and in to independent and assisted living. This is a blossoming industry that has capitalized on military pensions and other career pensions that has allowed a very large segment of our aging population to be able to afford - out of pocket - luxury care. And so very nice "independent living" communities for aging people that also include "assisted living" facilities" have sprung up like mushrooms after a rain, and are thriving.
This will end soon - the middle aged generation doesn't have this kind of money coming in where the vast majority of old men have military pensions or otherwise have pensions from their work that can sustain luxury living for a few years.
I don't know what the answer here is - this is an awful place to be, OP, to have your parent unable to provide her own care - but this generation of aging people isn't alone in insisting they live in their own homes.
We moved my dad into an "independent living facility" near my home for the last year of his life, and all he ever wanted to do was go home, and I can say that for about 90% of the residents there although people my generation kept telling each other WE'D love to live there. It was beautiful. Lots of activities, food prepared for you, pretty apartments, etc.
They want to be home. And this specific generation is the first - due to the economic factors that have given them the finances to be able to afford luxury accommodations that they actually don't want - to be forced to leave their homes.
OP, I deeply sympathize with you. But I do want to echo what others have said - you can't save her life. You can only attempt to prolong it a little.
I agree with 'evening sun' she is going to die one day it is NOT your fault. As for leaving a key for someone, there are work arounds. Look on Amazon for the electronic key lock for the front door. Kwickset makes one that YOU can operate from your house, complete with video. You could also add a few video cameras to the house and INFORM that workers and your mom that there is survallience (sp) videos installed all over the house. I do believe that the new amazon echo device offers instant picture calls so that you can actually see your mom and ask her to take the pills in front of you and so forth.
Hang in there.
I get it why you mom doesn't want to move. Look around your own home and ask yourself would you like to leave ALL of your possessions and move into a strange place with a suitcase full of all your belongings and everything else that has provided you with comfort and pride all of the years prior gets sold? I know I would not and I doubt that you would either. Try to keep your mom in her home for as long as she can be there.
OMG - technology is certainly amazing!
This reminds of a study I was reading about that used special carpeting to track how much people walked and their paths around their house to predict if they were a fall risk. It's not quite ready for prime-time, but I wonder if GPS is now accurate enough to do the same thing if you could load your floor plan into the app.
Anyway, anything the OP can do from a distance to limit the number of trips needed would be great, provided it is all set up an doesn't require mom to mess with the actual technology to make it work.
OP, you are describing my situation almost to a "T." My mother passed away last year but for about 5 years, I did all the things you did - went over every day and filled pill boxes, made sure she was eating, made sure she hadn't left the door open or the oven on. I don't regret doing waht I did because I loved her and she was a great mom, but it was to some extent, to the detriment of my career and my own family. Finally, it wasn't safe for her to stay alone - she was falling in the tub, not taking meds, confused, etc. and she didn't like having someone in the apartment with her, just one on one. And, I was worn out and frustrated because things were never going to get better - only worse. She moved to assisted living and then to "memory care." Even though she didn't love being there, it was actually OK. And I was able to relax for the first time in 5 years. You need to do this.
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