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OP, I like your plan from your most recent post (yesterday's post above) It allows you to maintain honesty, which is always valuable.
I wonder if writing down something to the effect of "Dad agreed it would be ok for him to stay at ---- when I have to travel" and have him initial or sign it would be a good idea. (of course, also date it)
Just a thought. Good luck.
Honesty is not always valuable and often very counterproductive with many dementia people.
(albeit this doesn't sound like he falls into this category)
<>I wonder if writing down something to the effect of "Dad agreed it would be ok for him to stay at ---- when I have to travel" and have him initial or sign it would be a good idea. (of course, also date it)
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FIL says someone else is signing his checks because he doesn't recognize the signature. He doesn't realize it has changed a lot over the years.
Honesty is not always valuable and often very counterproductive with many dementia people.
(albeit this doesn't sound like he falls into this category)
Good point. I was thinking about how being honest can help the caretaker feel better, bc "lying" doesn't usually feel good. But no doubt you are correct.
OP, I think you have a handle on this. Even if he fights or argues with you when you check him in, I think it will be OK. And if the place is nice, then he can return to a somewhat familiar place if and when he needs to.
The only thing I would add, is that you might check him in a day before you leave, so that if there is any last minute problem you will be available.
Good point. I was thinking about how being honest can help the caretaker feel better, bc "lying" doesn't usually feel good. But no doubt you are correct.
Yes that's exactly what happens with dementia people often their children just cannot bring themselves to enter the parents reality which means you have to lie.
An example is when they're waiting for their husband to pick them up but he's long deceased it's better to just distract them and say "oh you know how dad is he's always late" instead of trying to force them to accept and remember the brutal reality that he's dead.
Now of course usually when they get that into their head it means there's an anxiety ramping up and without anxiety medication they're going to keep ramping up until an explosion happens.
So dementia keeps you on your toes trying all different types of techniques because the one and only goal is to keep the person calm.
The problem with lying is that he'll be surprised which may lead to him becoming very agitated and confrontational. He may have to repeatedly remind him to condition him to the event, and even that may or may not work. With them, the fewer surprises the better. I don't know how physical his father can get when he's upset. He knows best how his father might respond.
Thinking about it further, he may have to take his father to the facility to familiarize him with the place before his stay. Just talking about places is all very abstract and they don't have the ability to consistently associate images, experiences, and feelings with a place.
It is really all a crap shoot depending on the state of memory recall.
The problem with lying is that he'll be surprised which may lead to him becoming very agitated and confrontational. He may have to repeatedly remind him to condition him to the event, and even that may or may not work. With them, the fewer surprises the better. I don't know how physical his father can get when he's upset. He knows best how his father might respond.
Thinking about it further, he may have to take his father to the facility to familiarize him with the place before his stay. Just talking about places is all very abstract and they don't have the ability to consistently associate images, experiences, and feelings with a place.
It is really all a crap shoot depending on the state of memory recall.
Nobody is saying lie about um....what exactly?
She can't lie about staying at a different place since it's obvious it's not her home LOL.
The LYING part comes in when she was asking for ideas how to FINESSE him to stay there. But she already said business trip so she's chosen that route.
Well, FYI, my mom has just spent two weeks at an ALF in a respite program. My brother, before he left town, called her to let her know he was coming by to say goodbye. When he got there, my mom's suitcase was open on the bed, and she was packing. She had taken down all the family photos my brother had carefully hung on the wall and put them in the trashcan. My brother gently pointed out that she was staying, and he was leaving. "Oh, I guess I was confused," she said, and when he asked about the pictures, she said, "Oh, well, I threw them away, I didn't know what else to do with them." WTF? He retrieved them and put them back, and told her that he'd be back in five days, and reminded her to keep her phone charged so that people could contact her.
PS. I haven't been able to talk to her in over a week, because her phone has been dead. :-)
After my brother came back, he stopped in to visit her again, and asked her how she had liked it. "It's ok," she replied. My brother was crestfallen, hoping for a more enthusiastic response. I reminded him that, for our mother, that was practically a ringing endorsement -- at least she wasn't clinging to him at the knees and crying for him to take her away from that hellhole. :-) Talked to one of her friends today, who said that at lunch last week, she had said that she liked the ALF, and while she'd rather be home, this was probably a good place for her to be for now, "with things so confusing." So YAY!! I think that's about the best we can hope for.
We're making arrangements to make her a permanent resident. There will be some periods where she will be confused and wonder why she is there, and we're anticipating that, but all in all, we think this is the best solution that keeps her safe and engaged, and gives everyone else (family and friends) peace of mind that she is receiving good care.
Well, FYI, my mom has just spent two weeks at an ALF in a respite program. My brother, before he left town, called her to let her know he was coming by to say goodbye. When he got there, my mom's suitcase was open on the bed, and she was packing. She had taken down all the family photos my brother had carefully hung on the wall and put them in the trashcan. My brother gently pointed out that she was staying, and he was leaving. "Oh, I guess I was confused," she said, and when he asked about the pictures, she said, "Oh, well, I threw them away, I didn't know what else to do with them." WTF? He retrieved them and put them back, and told her that he'd be back in five days, and reminded her to keep her phone charged so that people could contact her.
PS. I haven't been able to talk to her in over a week, because her phone has been dead. :-)
After my brother came back, he stopped in to visit her again, and asked her how she had liked it. "It's ok," she replied. My brother was crestfallen, hoping for a more enthusiastic response. I reminded him that, for our mother, that was practically a ringing endorsement -- at least she wasn't clinging to him at the knees and crying for him to take her away from that hellhole. :-) Talked to one of her friends today, who said that at lunch last week, she had said that she liked the ALF, and while she'd rather be home, this was probably a good place for her to be for now, "with things so confusing." So YAY!! I think that's about the best we can hope for.
We're making arrangements to make her a permanent resident. There will be some periods where she will be confused and wonder why she is there, and we're anticipating that, but all in all, we think this is the best solution that keeps her safe and engaged, and gives everyone else (family and friends) peace of mind that she is receiving good care.
Next up: The house . . . *shudder*
Very successful! What a relief.
Just FYI, it's easier to NOT announce things like "coming to say goodbye". Or really any future events. Especially if they fixate which most do.
I've seen dementia people get that mixed up exactly like your mom and think it means THEY are leaving. So it's just not her.
Also when he DOES come by, she might stand up to leave with him. I see that all the time, too. It's not exactly intentional, its a misfire in the brain.
So most of my clients' children don't announce they're leaving after a visit. They'll try and get out another way. Depending on the person's memory abilities. If it's BAD (like they forget you were even there), the daughters will say "I'm gonna make a phone call" and just leave. And the mom doesn't even remember anyone was there 5 minutes afterwards. Granted this is an individual case basis.
I've said before one lady's daughter INSISTS on calling at dinner time and talking the lady's ear off. Every day. The lady hung up and said to me "I have no idea who that was but boy can she talk".
hahahaha
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