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There’s a book that helped me alot with my mother — sorry I didn’t read it much earlier in our journey together at the end of her life. Its called Contented Dementia. Very helpful.
Nothing says you have to do this for your cousin. I certainly wouldn't. I was the sole caregiver once. Never again. At least in my case, I had something to gain. Even then, I would never do it again.
Learn to say NO.
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Originally Posted by sfcambridge
It sounds like it is time for her to be placed in a Memory care facility.
Honestly, it is almost impossible to manage someone's entire life.... which is what she needs.... from out of state. I am glad she has a social worker. It is time to talk with them about placement.
This was an elderly friend of my late parents. A mutual friend/acquaintance called me and said that she was concerned and knew that I knew something about dementia and asked me to visit to "check on my friend". So I made a trip to her town and spent an afternoon with her. While my parent's friend was having a lot more difficulties physically she appeared to be mostly OK cognitively.
I suggested a number of options for her by telling her things that I had done for my husband(such as calling the Council on Aging to see if they could help in any way, getting a medical POA, etc. etc.) Because I had known her since I was a child and always visited her when I was in town she seemed pretty responsive to my suggestions (but I doubted if she would follow through on anything even if someone "helped her"/"pushed her").
I knew that she had friends who checked on her once (sometimes) twice a week (including our mutual friend) but I was definitely concerned for the future. She was in her late 80s, her husband was dead, his sibling was dead, she was an only child, and they never had any children. I discovered that she had a couple of second cousins (or something like that) that lived 2,000 miles away and she only spoke to them once every couple of years. There did not appear to be anyone close enough to her to "take responsibility". I suspect that our mutual friend was hoping that I would "step up" but with hubby's health issues I couldn't. I gave our mutual friend suggestions but that was all that I could do.
Several months later, our mutual friend went to the elderly woman's house to pick her up for church and discovered that she was wearing the same clothes that she had on the previous Sunday (ie, never changed clothes all week) and appeared to have had a mini-stroke sometime during the past week. The ambulance was called and that was all that the friend did.
Adult Protective Services were called and they took over. I don't know the details, except that some agency handled everything from putting her into a nursing home (after she got out of the hospital), to handling her finances, to selling her house, everything. Her friends were not involved nor were her second cousins (or whatever). Frankly, I did not want to ask for too many details because I was afraid that they would rope me into being in charge.
This happened in Wisconsin about two and a half years ago.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jencam
Against her will? Sorry that I didn't specify that part. APS is very willing to help people who will accept help.
I should have made it clear that at that point my late parents elderly friend was not cognitively able to make decisions on her own.
It is my understanding that unless someone is medically and legally determined to be incompetent they have the right to do whatever they choose to do with their life. If that means that they refuse help or do things that may hasten their death (do not take their medicine, do not agree to therapy, etc.) it is their legal right. Of course, they can not do things that harm other people or put other people in danger. A simple example of that is someone who is not able to drive a car safely. They are putting other people in danger when they drive on public streets and others (DMV, police, doctors) can step in at that point and take away their driver's license. But, IMHO, someone who is mentally competent can live however they choose to live even if their family disagrees with their decisions.
Nothing says you have to do this for your cousin. I certainly wouldn't. I was the sole caregiver once. Never again. At least in my case, I had something to gain. Even then, I would never do it again.
Learn to say NO.
No kidding. This is hopeless and impossible.
She is the POWER of ATTORNEY. Pretty sure that holds her accountable for certain decisions. Although the Medical Directives are not necessarily a part of the Power of Attorney Role. By the sounds of it she is only accountable for the financials.
Based solely on the early signs of angst by the OP, its probably best for her to turn over any of her given authority to a person willing to perform the task of Tender care for an ailing elder. I've learned thru out the years it takes a special kind of someone to tend to another life and some how remain sane.
She is the POWER of ATTORNEY. Pretty sure that holds her accountable for certain decisions. Although the Medical Directives are not necessarily a part of the Power of Attorney Role. By the sounds of it she is only accountable for the financials.
Based solely on the early signs of angst by the OP, its probably best for her to turn over any of her given authority to a person willing to perform the task of Tender care for an ailing elder. I've learned thru out the years it takes a special kind of someone to tend to another life and some how remain sane.
lol. Where I live, POA is not forced upon people.
Like I said, in caps, no less, learn to say NO!
You are responsible ONLY that for which you accept responsibility.
"How do I get her mail forwarded? I live hours away from her post office. It doesn't seem as though I could do it from my own P.O. down here because then anybody could have anyone's mail forwarded. Do I have to go all the way up to her house again and go to her local P.O.? I know she wouldn't allow it if she knew about it."
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I don't know about getting the mail forwarded. I don't know if a government agency allows that. I was talking about getting all of the bills forwarded. You will have to contact them one by one, just like we are doing.
My cousin has been evaluated by Adult Protective Services. However, she is very good at faking things and her house looks perfect, everything looks perfect. She will smile and lie and say whatever they want. She will show them the refrigerator full of food and pretend that she cooks and eats, etc.
A few years ago she almost ended up in a nursing home against her will because she wouldn't allow any care givers into the house. But her neighbor friend (now out of the picture) stayed by her side and for that reason she did okay. Also, I was her guardian and I found out that she was on a particular medicine that caused dementia in elderly people. Got the dr to take her off that medicine and no more dementia.
But this time she's much worse and there's no neighbor coming and going, making her take her pills, taking her places, helping her out. She's alone and for some reason, she can't remember anything from one minute to the next. She doesn't know the name of her own doctor, has to write down everything I tell her, can't find things and believes everyone is stealing from her. She even thinks someone has stolen her hearing aid. Her nurse said my cousin hides stuff, can't find it, and then thinks people have stolen the things.
But the point is, the authorities told me back then, a few years ago, that if she kept refusing to have helpers, she would be put into a nursing home. And I am almost certain that they would have done it whether she wanted it or not. She definitely doesn't want to be in a nursing home but she would have been put into one against her will.
This does not sound like a situation you can possibly handle from your location several hours away. From your description, your cousin could leave the house and lose her way or cause a fire by forgetting to turn the stove off among other things. She surely is not taking her medication if she can't remember a schedule.
If she is verbally acting out towards neighbors and others, it could also turn to hitting or shoving. A relative of mine was stunned when she went to help out a SIL and got shoved so hard she fell and broke her arm and wrist. This sadly happens with some types of dementia.
You sound like a really good person to try to help but at this point her doctor or APS need to be informed of the deteriorating situation and the fact you cannot handle this situation from your distance.
You have your own health to protect and this constant anxiety about her condition will do you no good. Hope all works out for the best.
She is the POWER of ATTORNEY. Pretty sure that holds her accountable for certain decisions. Although the Medical Directives are not necessarily a part of the Power of Attorney Role. By the sounds of it she is only accountable for the financials.
Based solely on the early signs of angst by the OP, its probably best for her to turn over any of her given authority to a person willing to perform the task of Tender care for an ailing elder. I've learned thru out the years it takes a special kind of someone to tend to another life and some how remain sane.
Having a POA doesn't make someone responsible for the actions of the person giving the POA, just to clarify. It does make the person with the POA responsible for any decisions or actions that they do WITH that POA, but it doesn't make them responsible for the other person, if that makes sense.
And if it's a general, durable POA, that trumps everything - medical POA and other limited POAs. Having a medical POA would be nice, but superfluous.
You may know all that - just responding for the OP, not arguing with you.
This does not sound like a situation you can possibly handle from your location several hours away. From your description, your cousin could leave the house and lose her way or cause a fire by forgetting to turn the stove off among other things. She surely is not taking her medication if she can't remember a schedule.
If she is verbally acting out towards neighbors and others, it could also turn to hitting or shoving. A relative of mine was stunned when she went to help out a SIL and got shoved so hard she fell and broke her arm and wrist. This sadly happens with some types of dementia.
You sound like a really good person to try to help but at this point her doctor or APS need to be informed of the deteriorating situation and the fact you cannot handle this situation from your distance.
You have your own health to protect and this constant anxiety about her condition will do you no good. Hope all works out for the best.
Right on. It's basically impossible for the OP to care for her cousin from this distance, and would be very difficult even if she lived down the street.
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